To leave children for 3 and a half months?

[elbigbx]

Hi

Would like opinions on my current situation as I've had mixed feedback from personal relationships.

I start my second year of university (Law degree) in September and we have been told we have the option for a work placement abroad for half of the academic year, which is just over 3 months.

I'm a single mum to 2 daughter's who will be 7 and 4 at the time. I share custody with their dad and he is very open about the opportunity and has said he would have the girls if it came to it.

AIBU to take up this opportunity? I can pick anywhere in the world to secure a placement (depending on if I get accepted of course). I don't think this opportunity will present itself again but I also can't shake off the fact that I would be leaving my 2 girls behind who are my everything.

Please let me know what you would do in my situation. Luckily I've got a few months to really think about it.

Thanks

I don't think I would do this @elbigbx I'm sure your children will be OK but it's not really ideal and I think a bit selfish if you do. You can travel when you retire / kids are older.

Oh and considering they have 50/50 custody, does that mean when she gets back she'll look after the children on her own for 14 weeks to give her ex a break and make it fair?

It is worrying that PP's "piling on" aren't even RTFT

It doesn't have to be a choice that every parent would make. But in OPs situation with the arrangements she has discussed with their Dad of EOW instead whilst she's away, their Dad who has equal shared parenting - HE suggest she goes for it too- Their Dad also knows their DCs as well as OP so no matter how much some PPs guess or over relate, he doesn't think it'll harm DCs. Several PPs have said it didn't harm them.

We all have different families and different family arrangements. We all have different children.

It's not something I would do - but then I'm not adventurous (although I can see how great an opportunity it'd be!) I did bulk of my studying far before I had DCs, but not everyone can or does.

My DCs love hearing stories from their grandparents about their travels and their Dad.

I suspect it'll be all be ok if OP decides to go ahead. But calling her a bad parent is untrue and unhelpful to reasoned discussion. There's no need for exaggeration and catastrophising!

AIBU is helpful when people can discuss all the ins and outs with consideration and logically. It's less constructive when PPs generalise, can't understand difference and make extreme comments.

You’ve acknowledged this wouldn’t make you more employable and yet you still want to go. You should’ve done this when you were younger (pre children) or when the dc are older. Very selfish thing to do. Coming back eow for a day or two isn’t practical.

You seem to have a whole identity formed around the basis of being a mother, but people in the real world are far more interesting than that

Odfod

That was a different situation with many concerned that he wouldn't bring them back due to their difficult relationship and family issues. If this OP had mentioned similar issues with the dad, then I'm sure she wouldn't be getting the same positive responses.

To widen out the the perspective a bit, it's got a lot to do with how the other parent will cope, going from 50/50 to 100 per cent, not just for three weeks, but much longer. It will feel different to him: the impact of not getting the usual down times he has conditioned himself to expect.

OP is veering towards not going, and it has been only quite natural for her to have wanted to weigh up a placement opportunity, and what better method than canvassing forum views. But it's weird that there's not been much discussion on this thread about nannies and grandparents and whether Dad is doing it all on his own, and whether OP will give him maintenance to buy in extra help - cleaning up her place, where he'll be staying and extra activities for the girls, so he can just watch the kayaking/ riding for a bit, instead of having to make everything happen.. He won't be able to have a few drinks, any evening, if he's always in charge..... or will aunties and uncles be helping and maternal grandparents coming to stay? I'm assuming OP would be pretty tired on EOW visits, after studying all week at an advance level, a somewhat different system of law, and in a different language.

Judging by frequent threads, how much family help is around is critical to how parents cope emotionally and how fun and 'all right' -seeming, it is for the kids. Talking generally now, and not about OP, I think the parent who'll be taking up the reins will need a lot of help and standby arrangements, because who knows how they'll find it. It's a bit hard to predict, even I'd have thought.

I think it isn’t a great idea. I think you will end up behind on your law studies. What realistically are you going to learn? It’s not a work placement. It’s a study abroad module, where I bet you won’t learn much. You’re not going to come back fluent in the language, which would be useful. It’s hard to get a job in law these days.

I’m very sorry that you lost your mother @Comedycook, but surely you see that that trauma is not comparable to loved, cared for dc spending a few weeks with their father, and staying in regular contact with their mother? No, I don’t believe that dc in that situation will inevitably end up traumatised.

Motherhood is not irrelevant, it’s not a jail sentence either.

I opted yabu to go without them because of their ages and the fact you are currently their main carer. It's not a good age to leave them I don't think. Is there any option to take them with you because it IS a good age for them both in terms of not missing too much at uk school - presumably the uni have some support for parent students? If this is the career for you then you will have to manage parenting and working so will be a work and a work-life-balance experience if you take them with you.

Yes I would on the following privisio:

1. Had a very good co parenting relationship with their father and it sounds like you do

2. I'd have to come back every 3 weeks or so to see them, if it is only in Europe then this is easily done

I'd jump at the chance, military families are often absent for a similar duration, I see little difference, they have their father providing all their wants and needs. 3 months isn't much in the scheme of things.

Go and enjoy the experience!

Amazing that @Comedycook shared how her mother actually died and you still think you know better than her, and don't feel that you have any need to apologise for what you said to her previously. Shocking

Oh and considering they have 50/50 custody, does that mean when she gets back she'll look after the children on her own for 14 weeks to give her ex a break and make it fair?

Not necessarily. It would be daft to do it just for 'fairness' if it doesn't suit them. But presumably she'd be equally supportive of him in a similar situation and step up to look after them full-time if/when he needed it. In a functional relationship, give and take has a bit more flexibility and understanding around it.

My mum actually did this when we were similar ages but she went to New York while we were in HK with our dad in the 90s. It was a year long course and she came home for a month in the middle. It was brilliant for her, I don't remember feeling sad or missing her much as we were fully occupied with other things and she wrote us letters which were super exciting to receive in the post with funny pictures and anecdotes of how she was getting on.

Go for it. It’s an amazing opportunity for all of you.

It's hard even for Dad to predict how he'll find it. A pretty amazing and resilient person, I should think, to recalibrate their reactions to go from intense bouts of childcare to soon to be realised slumping and chilling ....to suddenly all full-on stuff, and emotionally without the usual dynamic of what you say about other parent vis a vis: "Mummy wouldn't like it if you kept your shoes on to go upstairs" cue "Ask Mummy, then. Ask her now".

Three months out means eldest may well lose her school place, so all her friendships made so far

RTFT
OP isn't their main carer. She has 50:50 shared parenting with their Dad who will have them whilst she is away and she's also planning to return EOW!

Mine wouldn't be.

I don't think either parent, male or female, should leave a 7 and 4 year old for such a long time, for something which by their own admission won't even have any real benefits beyond immediate enjoyment (no career advancement, spending time with a dying relative/friend, etc).

I think when you have kids, as a man or woman, part of the deal is that sometimes you don't get to do what you want, at your children's expense.

Perhaps you should re-read my message there @FilterWash.

Or did you miss the bit where I said I was sorry her mother had died, but that I don’t think that that sort of trauma is comparable to what is being described will happen to op’s dc.

I don’t believe that trauma is comparable or means someone ‘knowing better’ about op’s situation.

Or do I need to start listing my dead family members in order to have an opinion?

There was a thread really really similar to this about a year ago. The op wanted to go somewhere in Scandinavia and she was also unrealistically talking about coming back every other weekend - in fact I think she proposed weekly commuting.

Is it just me that remembers this?

My parents were divorced and my dad went on extended business trips abroad often.
I remember missing him but it hasn’t scarred me in anyway and we still have a great relationship.

Was that really a year ago? I presumed it was the same poster.

You said her post showed she doesn't understand real trauma and what it's like to actually lose a parent in childhood.

She shared what had actually happened to her and explained that was her basis for her opinion.

You really should back down and apologise at that point, not double down.

PS and that was before budget flights and FaceTime.