To leave children for 3 and a half months?

[elbigbx]

Hi

Would like opinions on my current situation as I've had mixed feedback from personal relationships.

I start my second year of university (Law degree) in September and we have been told we have the option for a work placement abroad for half of the academic year, which is just over 3 months.

I'm a single mum to 2 daughter's who will be 7 and 4 at the time. I share custody with their dad and he is very open about the opportunity and has said he would have the girls if it came to it.

AIBU to take up this opportunity? I can pick anywhere in the world to secure a placement (depending on if I get accepted of course). I don't think this opportunity will present itself again but I also can't shake off the fact that I would be leaving my 2 girls behind who are my everything.

Please let me know what you would do in my situation. Luckily I've got a few months to really think about it.

Thanks

Have now read more of the thread, some people saying only do it if it improves your chance of employment... no, do it because it will be FUN and make you happy!

Your life does not stop when you have kids. Going away for a few months does not mean you're behaving like a responsibility free teenager. You're clearly considering your children very carefully in this decision. They are old enough to be excited for you to have this opportunity, they will be with their dad who they love and who you know will take good care of them. That is all the good parenting you need to do to make this happen!

There is absolutely no problem with centring yourself when you know that your children's needs (even the need to have contact with you) will be met.

Op, my friend did this many years ago and her children who are now parents themselves have never forgiven her to the extent they barely see each other and her grandchildren are all but strangers to her.

But not only that - children need their mum.

What reaction do you expect a 4 year old to have?

If it would make you more employable, maybe. But I’m not sure it would. Law is different around the world. It might even do you a disservice. Can you not do similar in theUK?

Do it! They'll be fine with their dad, it's not like they barely see him and won't feel at home they'll be perfectly happy. You'll miss them more than they miss you I bet!. Most men wouldn't even think twice. And you'll be back eow, standard non resident parent arrangement so if its good enough for nearly half the separated parents in the world it's good enough for you.

Bloody hell! Such hyperbole!

Are people misreading the OP and thinking it says three years instead of months?

Just go op, and ignore the weird misogyny (jealousy?) from the martyrs.

Your dc will be absolutely fine, they aren’t standing shivering on a street corner waiting for you to come back. They will be safe and happy with their other parent, it’ll be an adventure for a few weeks and facetime is a godsend.

I hope the majority of people know that life doesn’t have to over because you are a parent. And you don’t have to miss out on exciting opportunities because you happen to be the parent with a vagina. Your dc, especially if you have a daughter, will have a fantastic role model to look up to.

Wonder stuff,

Re military people sending DC to boarding school, I know of one her mum went with her on a plane at 8 and put her in. She and her mum's relationship never recovered.

Having said that , I'm not sure what impact a few months would have esp with face time regular visits, and so on.

I have seen three year old recently struggling because he missed his mum who was on a work trip.

I remember madly missing my mum when she went away for a week.
I also used to stay with relatives without her but I didn't miss her as much then because I guess I was in a different house?

3 months is nothing to an adult but it's a long time to 4 year old. Think how long the school holidays lasted when you were little. For that reason I wouldn't go.

Also, although it would be a great personal experience, it won't further your legal career in any way.

I'm not sure that this warrants 'never forgiving a parent' who does this, especially a mother.

But I do know that when I was 8, a year before my DM had to go away for 2-3 weeks which was bad enough, I'd been moved into the first year of a new junior school where I was really unhappy as I knew no-one, I made a few friends but struggled and something happened to me which was really unpleasant. If my DM hadn't been around, I would have been very unhappy.

I was also told recently that my DAunt (now in her 80s) was placed in several foster homes and a home for Waifs and Strays (my nana always said she went to a Milk Farm and it was just before WW2), and her parents divorced due to her DF going to jail as a confidence trickster. My DAunt has never really recovered from this, her DF when he came out of prison saw her and wanted her to live with him in USA where he was from. It's an extreme situation of course and not much relation to OP's - but the point is, she spent most of her childhood away from her DM and DF and it really affected her.

You can try to minimise the trauma of mother/child separation in an attempt to bolster your feminist credentials but that doesn't mean it doesn't exist. Yes it doesn't fit in with our modern way of thinking that mums and dads are absolutely equal in a child's life nor the modern way of thinking that scoffs at the importance of motherhood.....

Alisea

Isn't there some middle ground about being a parent though?

Yes women should do whatever men do but at some point one has to also put children's needa first?
They are only small for such a short time?

I do wonder why some people have DC at all?

We can work till we drop dead ,is all this really necessary in those few precious year's? That are gone in the blink of an eye?

Personally I couldn't do it. From ops circumstances and as I had previously mentioned with facetime, regular visits..who knows if it will be ok ,but better than ye old days without all that stuff.

That’s fine OP, and I agree that those definitions are exaggerated and offensive. However you haven’t actually been able to explain what you WOULD gain academically from the period of study abroad. All you have said is that it would be a chance to experience another culture.

I asked what you would be studying, and how it would impact your choice of optional modules on your degree overall, also whether it would reduce the time you have available to do the core subjects that you need to pass to go on to the LPC. I don’t think you’ve answered that?

What about the explorers like Scott who went away for years on end leaving their families?

Scott literally died. I'm not sure this is the excellent argument you believe it to be.

Yes do it! Most men wouldn't even question it. There are 2 parents and it's fantastic that their dad is so supportive of you taking this opportunity. You'll get to experience new things and see new places, regardless of whether it makes you more employable of not.

Also, I would hate to think that my mother gave up an opportunity to experience something new because of me. So go for it! Their dad will be there to look after them.

You are studying law - is the law not different in Europe compared to the uk?

You can try to minimise the trauma of mother/child separation in an attempt to bolster your feminist credentials but that doesn't mean it doesn't exist. Yes it doesn't fit in with our modern way of thinking that mums and dads are absolutely equal in a child's life nor the modern way of thinking that scoffs at the importance of motherhood.....

In my relationship and my family mum and dad are equal. We wouldn't have it any other way.
We have both travelled for work since DS was a baby so he is used to periods of time where only mum or dad are around. There is absolutely no trauma, just a well adjusted 8 year old who has an equally strong relationship with both mum and dad and a healthy view on how relationships should work.

you don’t have to miss out on exciting opportunities because you happen to be the parent with a vagina

Be realistic...of course you can't live your life as if you're childfree when you're not. You want to experience every exciting opportunity that comes your way..then don't have kids. It's not compulsory. It's absolutely fine not to have them. It's not fine to have them and then live your life like they don't exist

😂😂😂

’Trauma’

Being cared for by a loving parent they already spend 50% of their time with, for 12 weeks, with regular contact with their mother who they know is coming home.

I’m not sure if you know how ridiculous you sound, or how offensive to children who have experienced actual trauma (death, abuse).

I think maybe some people’s dc might benefit from spending LESS time around their batshittery.

The only thing I find disgusting about this thread is responses like yours. Life doesn't stop just because you have kids. It's 14 weeks and they have a responsible dad who can take care of them, she's not leaving them alone. It's hardly a gap year - it's one term abroad.

I honestly don't understand how people can have such a big issue with it. I would be interested to know the life experiences of the people who are for going abroad vs those against it.

Be realistic...of course you can't live your life as if you're childfree when you're not.

Jesus.

’Childfree’ 🙄

Op has made sure her children will be cared for, they are with a loving and capable parent, for weeks (not YEARS).

Op living her life ‘child free’ would be dumping them on the nearest street corner and then buggering off.

Nuts.

Haven't read every reply but could you not bring them over for a week or two during half term etc to break up the time? Would be a nice joint adventure. How long would you be able to spend with them when you visit back? A bit of time at the weekend when you are tired from travelling is very different from two or three full days of quality time together every other week.
Don't remember seeing this: have you spoken to the kids about it?
what are the consequences of quitting if it doesn't work out?

When it was a work placement I was more on the fence. Once you said that it was study abroad I really wouldn’t be comfortable with that personally. I did study abroad and loved it but it was at a time when I was young and didn’t have commitments. The actual education from my universities abroad wasn’t brilliant- the thing that was fun was the social life. It would feel like quite the indulgence to disappear for 3 months for a bit of a jolly.

Well considering my mother died when I was a child @Alisae your comment I'm not sure if you know how ridiculous you sound, or how offensive to children who have experienced actual trauma (death, abuse is pretty pathetic. Plenty of posters on here have described the trauma they've felt at not seeing their mothers for weeks/months at a time. Who are you to deny it? Yeah it doesn't fit with the modern narrative that motherhood is irrelevant...

I’m sure the children will have a strong attachment bond with their mother. This built in the early years. It’s means that when the children are a little older( as they are now)- safe in their attachment to their mother, they will be able to cope and have resilience. She will have daily contact with her children, will still have responsibilities towards her children.

You clearly have never experienced as a child or an adult, a parent needing to be away for work, illness or study. This isn’t the traumatic situation you paint it to be.

You seem to have a whole identity formed around the basis of being a mother, but people in the real world are far more interesting than that.

I am one of the ones who has said that this period of study will not enhance OP’s employability in terms of giving her an edge over other candidates who have not studied abroad. I think that 3 months is too marginal to be worth anything. However there IS value in knowing about other legal systems when you are a practising lawyer in England &Wales if you work in any environment where clients are international. This is not because you are advising them on any law other than English law, it is because it helps you to understand how a business person used to civil law might analyse an issue, and the extent to which you need to explain to them that our system is different. It’s also more common than you might think to work in cross-border transactions and litigation where you work alongside lawyers from different jurisdictions and have to understand their advice in order to assist your client. That said, you don’t need to spend 3 months in another country to gain that understanding. Most of us pick it up from reading around our practice area and learning on the job.