To leave children for 3 and a half months?

[elbigbx]

Hi

Would like opinions on my current situation as I've had mixed feedback from personal relationships.

I start my second year of university (Law degree) in September and we have been told we have the option for a work placement abroad for half of the academic year, which is just over 3 months.

I'm a single mum to 2 daughter's who will be 7 and 4 at the time. I share custody with their dad and he is very open about the opportunity and has said he would have the girls if it came to it.

AIBU to take up this opportunity? I can pick anywhere in the world to secure a placement (depending on if I get accepted of course). I don't think this opportunity will present itself again but I also can't shake off the fact that I would be leaving my 2 girls behind who are my everything.

Please let me know what you would do in my situation. Luckily I've got a few months to really think about it.

Thanks

No chance, my children would be devastated if I left them for so long. My youngest would have massively struggled for even a week at 4.

No sorry, if it was necessary for work fair enough but I don’t think it’s fair for your kids to have all this upheaval for what is essentially a glorified holiday. And I would say the same to a man.

I recommend you do it. You could home weekends and they could also come out during school holidays. The industry I am in , there a re loads of people working away from home for up to 6 weeks.
We don't regret what we do but what we don't.
There dad is onboard what a perfect solution, as you said if it was him you be encouraging him as is he you.
Go for it.
And cut the elastic band on all the peoples judgey pants. Your life , your family.

lol

@TiddleyWink

• People who don’t choose to abandon their kids for a voluntary three month jolly abroad are ‘just jealous’ (newsflash: they’re not) and clearly it will hugely benefit the kids when mum comes back with a suntan having relieved herself of the stress of parenting them for a few months.

If this is real and not an attempt at satire then it’s one of the worst bits of parenting advice I’ve ever read.*

That is such an appalling & lacking in thought comment in so many ways as it misrepresents what OP or anyone else has said

Tiddly you haven't even understood nor read all the reasoned arguments that have been detailed. Did you even RTFT ?
There's so much covert (underlying) sexist assumptions in this and poor comprehension or unwillingness to read or listen to the person whose life and young family it is (or OPs proposals) bor understand why this opportunity is beneficial - those traits arent what most people would see as good parenting to model to others.

That's such a reductionist comment that all OP wants is a 'sun tan'??!! Wow what a terrible person OP is to want to take up this opportunity and to plan to fly back to spend time with her DCs EOW instead of being with them 50:50 for that short time. It's not the end of the world, if OP is able to make good arrangements.

She will be twice a month less a Mon-Thursday for eg for those 3 months - so given those are school days- in hours we are talking approximately (3.30-7.30pm bedtime + 1 hour mornings before school give or take an hour or so = so 5 hours a day for those 24 days less) = 120 (approximate guess) less hours she will spend with her DCs when they are usually awake and with her - in total. That's just to give some perspective to those clutching their pearls. They will still see their mum and they will just be a little bit more with their Dad for a bit !!

Over their lifetime. It's easily time that can be "made up" and it really won't matter in the bigger picture given DCs will be with their DAD extra that time.

Honestly PPs aren't understanding this- it's not abandoning her DCs on a street corner!

It is a change of routine for a short period and DCs do adapt (and forget later on that it was more than a few weeks) as others have indicated. The DCs are already happy spending half their time with their Dad and he's positively encouraging OP to do it too. I doubt he would if he thought it would harm their DCs or that it hadn't been thought through.

What utter nonsense. Nobody sent me the memo that I had to stop living for 18 years because I’d become a parent.

@Notmytiep

What's "lol" about not being a selfish parent and fucking off on a student type jolly up.

You don't have to stop living your life @Blossomtoes but no, you can't actually live your life when you're a parent like you're an 18 year old with no responsibilities.

You didnt get the memo that children come first?

Good lord there's an awful lot of drama on this thread.

In reality it only matters if you handle it properly. Talk to your children and your husband together, see how they feel about it. It doesn't have to be a damaging experience for any of you.

As a childminder I listen to people spouting crap about childcare every day, you know, the 'why have children if you are going to let someone else bring them up' brigade. In my (vast) experience most children are able to handle change with ease if it's presented factually and managed well. The children who struggle at childcare are the ones who say 'poor Freddie, I'm sooo sorry mummy has to work, I know it's not nice but I'll be back soon'.

Don't let the obnoxious replies here sway you OP, just talk to your family and then decide if it's a viable proposition.

And I bet the op would be the first one complaining if her ex fucked off for months and she had to parent for 100% of the time.

Jolly
Gap year
Glorified holiday

Any more misdescriptions for an academic placement so we can fill the bingo card?

Yes to a certain extent....but you can't actually live your life as if you have no responsibilities at all.
She isn't though.
It's three months....with lots of weekend visits.

but it offers no edge to her studies or finances- its a holiday

She isn’t. The physical primary care will be undertaken by their father. That’s all. She is still responsible for her children.

Will she pick them up from school? No
Will she be washing their pj’s? No
Will she be driving them to after school clubs? No

But that could be said about a lot of mums, let’s be honest. Does it make you less of a mum if you don’t do all these things?

Will she be in contact with teachers and nursery workers? Yes
Will she be ordering on Amazon last min bits for sports day? Yes
Will she be arranging summer activities? Yes
Will she be reading bed time stories, asking about their day, teaching them the local lingo and telling them she loves them before they go to bed? Yes

@Blossomtoes 👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏

No, sorry, you need to put your children first and do the placement closer to home.

If you were childless I’d say go for it, but unfortunately these are the types of things you need to give up once you have kids.

The op actually said it's not completely necessary, she just wants to experience a different culture and living in a different country. Do that when you've finished school and don't have responsibilities

Talk to your children i cant imagine asking my 4 year old if its ok if i leave for 3 months- couldnt even comprehend that amount of time and would probably just burst into tears

I do think some of the posters in the legal profession made good points about you having to take more time off later to do your LPC.. You might want to consider saving up your time away for that.

Talk to your children i cant imagine asking my 4 year old if its ok if i leave for 3 months- couldnt even comprehend that amount of time and would probably just burst into

Now you are being ridiculous. Talking to your family doesn't mean asking a 4yr olds permission just talking about it and gauging the reactions 🙄.

This is very personal.

I couldn't do this in a million years, I just couldn't.

But that doesn't mean you shouldn't. You know your DDs, and your ex & yourself. I think if on balance it feels the right decision, you should do it.

We all make different choices in parenting. I often put work ahead of getting home earlier to my DC. It's not great & I know that but I also work hard & am committed to it. For someone else, that would be something they couldn't countenance.

I've just seen it's probably in another country - your work placement. Unless you can take the kids with you, I think it's incredibly selfish to leave them for this length of time.

I recall my DM had to go away for 2-3 weeks to Cornwall from London to help nurse her terminally sick uncle who was dying of cancer and who she was very close to, in winter, I think, and we were about 9 and 7 then and that was bad enough but we coped! He wanted her to help nurse him along with someone else.

The op actually said it's not completely necessary, she just wants to experience a different culture and living in a different country. Do that when you've finished school and don't have responsibilities

We can't always plan when these opportunities will arise. It's not a gap year or a holiday.

I travel extensively for work, not all of it is essential but it's a wonderful opportunity - there is no way i could have afforded to travel the way I do now when I left school.

100% I would do this!!