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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To leave children for 3 and a half months?

1000 replies

elbigbx · 16/06/2022 11:44

Hi

Would like opinions on my current situation as I've had mixed feedback from personal relationships.

I start my second year of university (Law degree) in September and we have been told we have the option for a work placement abroad for half of the academic year, which is just over 3 months.

I'm a single mum to 2 daughter's who will be 7 and 4 at the time. I share custody with their dad and he is very open about the opportunity and has said he would have the girls if it came to it.

AIBU to take up this opportunity? I can pick anywhere in the world to secure a placement (depending on if I get accepted of course). I don't think this opportunity will present itself again but I also can't shake off the fact that I would be leaving my 2 girls behind who are my everything.

Please let me know what you would do in my situation. Luckily I've got a few months to really think about it.

Thanks

OP posts:
Pinkdelight3 · 16/06/2022 16:18

Lovemypeaceandquiet · 16/06/2022 16:14

Meanwhile on other thread where the dad wants to take his kids to Philippines for 3 weeks to see his family:
”don’t let him” “they’ll miss you” “hide their passports””that’s too long”

Mother wants to take kids to Spain for 3 months “you go girl” “they’ll get an amazing experience” “dad can fly and visit”

Oh how I love mumsnet

That was a very different acrimonious situation. It's perfectly possible to adjust an opinion depending on the context.

KirstenBlest · 16/06/2022 16:18

The dad taking kids to the Philippines was quite different. He and the OP weren't co-parenting amicably, the children were both under 5, the father had a foreign passport. It had red flags all over it

In this thread, the parents get on well, the children are staying in this country with a parent they love. It is only 14 weeks.

If this thread's OP was a man, the responses would be quite different.

hanahsaunt · 16/06/2022 16:19

Dh had to do a three month placement at a different hospital as a part of his training programme - no choice in the matter and he was a four hour drive away so only home at weekends (and not every weekend as there was an on-call responsibility as a part of the rota/training).

I stayed home with four children, two of whom were in school so we were hardly going to move.

It was absolutely fine - why wouldn't it be? These days you have all sorts of options with Zoom / Teams etc for video calling so can be in even more touch than he was back then. No damage to relationships - it's not like you are doing this every year for the foreseeable - go and make the most of it!

JanisMoplin · 16/06/2022 16:19

Lovemypeaceandquiet · 16/06/2022 16:14

Meanwhile on other thread where the dad wants to take his kids to Philippines for 3 weeks to see his family:
”don’t let him” “they’ll miss you” “hide their passports””that’s too long”

Mother wants to take kids to Spain for 3 months “you go girl” “they’ll get an amazing experience” “dad can fly and visit”

Oh how I love mumsnet

Yeah right. Probably because the Phillipines is not a signatory to the Hague convention and men routinely take kids to developing countries where they will be given preferential treatment by the judicial system.Women don't do that.

You are seriously comparing the two situations?

caringcarer · 16/06/2022 16:20

If you can fly back to see them I think it is ok as their Dad is their parent too. You are not leaving them with a stranger.

Dancingwithhyenas · 16/06/2022 16:20

I wouldn’t go or I would take them with me.

Comedycook · 16/06/2022 16:21

When you make a decision to have children, you give up the freedom of being childfree and pleasing yourself. If you wanted to work, travel and study freely, you shouldn't have had kids.

Dancingwithhyenas · 16/06/2022 16:22

I have a hands on DH who does half the school runs etc and we are married and personally 3 weeks would be my limit. I just wouldn’t consider 3 months. On the flip side, neither would be DH. He has turned down work opportunities that take him away from the kids for more than a couple of weeks.

LadyApplejack · 16/06/2022 16:22

Personally I wouldn't. It sounds like a great experience but as it's not essential to the studies, for me it wouldn't be worth 3.5 months apart from such young children.

whumpthereitis · 16/06/2022 16:24

For all those claiming it will definitely have an adverse impact on her children, how exactly do you know? There’s been a few of us in this thread that have actually experienced this, for longer periods of time in some cases, and found otherwise.

Original poster
elbigbx · 16/06/2022 16:25

Comedycook · 16/06/2022 16:21

When you make a decision to have children, you give up the freedom of being childfree and pleasing yourself. If you wanted to work, travel and study freely, you shouldn't have had kids.

@Comedycook Says who? You?

OP posts:
brookstar · 16/06/2022 16:25

When you make a decision to have children, you give up the freedom of being childfree and pleasing yourself. If you wanted to work, travel and study freely, you shouldn't have had kids.

What now? It is possible to have children and still work, travel and study!

entropynow · 16/06/2022 16:28

WhoppingBigBackside · 16/06/2022 11:48

If you were their father, not their mother and had to make the same decision, what would you do?

Quite. They have TWO parents. DH spent 3 months in Siberia (yes, really) when ours were 3 and 5. It was that or not pay the bills

zingally · 16/06/2022 16:28

I wouldn't. Not in a million years. 3 months would seem like a lifetime, especially to the 5 year old. The 7 year old would have a bit more understanding, but not LOADS more.

Is the placement vital? Does it provide something that you can't get on your regular course? Is it going to make you loads more employable? Unless it's something REALLY vital, rather than just a bit of an optional "semi-professional jolly, aimed at 21 year old students", then I wouldn't touch it with a barge pole.

Comedycook · 16/06/2022 16:28

it's the opportunity to experience different cultures/ways of life and everything else that living in a different country would do

Most people do this before they have kids or when they're retired and their kids are grown up.

You sound incredibly selfish actually. It's not actually necessary for your career...you just want a good time....at the expense of your children whilst expecting your ex to pick up the slack.

Notmytiep · 16/06/2022 16:29

I would definitely do it. 3 and half months is not that long. It s a great opportunity. If you know your kids are in good safe hands I say go for it.

entropynow · 16/06/2022 16:29

And that was pre Internet. One 10 minute phone call a weej

entropynow · 16/06/2022 16:30

Week

Comedycook · 16/06/2022 16:30

It is possible to have children and still work, travel and study

Yes to a certain extent....but you can't actually live your life as if you have no responsibilities at all.

kiki22 · 16/06/2022 16:31

I couldn't I wouldn't cope and my kids wouldn't cope without me. I wouldn't be happy for my ex to do it but I think the kids would cope without him as his contact is 1.5 days a week I see them every day and do the majority of their care. If they split their head open or got sick they would be looking for me and I couldn't manage knowing they needed me.

If you think you would cope and most importantly they would cope then do it as long as you can come back to see them. It's hard but you know what you want to do and I think you want to go. Try not to think about what other people would think and focus on how your kids would feel thats all that matters.

Guiltycat · 16/06/2022 16:31

Ouch. Guilt inducing thread! 😂

I’m eventually going to have to do quite a bit of travelling around if everything goes to plan (finishing off an integrated masters - aiming for NHS STP).

DH is very supportive, and I initially didn’t feel guilty when thinking about leaving the dc in his and extended family’s capable care. We live on the poverty line at the minute as I’m a carer and DH is not highly paid. I don’t feel guilty enough to change my plans, because I know their lives will be so much better if I can do this.

Op, I assume as long as they know we are doing it for them, and keep in regular contact with FaceTime/weekend visits, they will cope for those short periods of time and be better off in the long run.

zingally · 16/06/2022 16:31

You give up certain things as a parent, and these sorts of student-jollys are unfortunately one of those. 3 months is way too long to be apart from very young children. Especially when it's not vital work. It's a glorified jolly.

Comedycook · 16/06/2022 16:32

Quite. They have TWO parents. DH spent 3 months in Siberia (yes, really) when ours were 3 and 5. It was that or not pay the bills

That's different. It was a necessity. The op is doing it as she apparently wants to experience a different culture. Yeah, should have done that in a gap year. And yes I'd absolutely judge a dad who did this for that reason.

Moodycow78 · 16/06/2022 16:33

My mum went to visit family on the other side of the world for 2 months when I was 7, before the days of internet (showing my age) so the only contact was the odd letter. We were fine, it was like a bit of an adventure and we got made an extra fuss of by friends and family as mum wasn't there, she was back in no time go for it xx

CorpusCallosum · 16/06/2022 16:34

I absolutely would! What an opportunity!

They'll miss you, sure, and you them. But, you'll keep in touch with phone & video calls, planned visits and it's a short time in the context of your lives together! You'll come back a better, more rounded person & mum for having invested in yourself 🙌

DO IT!

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