To leave children for 3 and a half months?

[elbigbx]

Hi

Would like opinions on my current situation as I've had mixed feedback from personal relationships.

I start my second year of university (Law degree) in September and we have been told we have the option for a work placement abroad for half of the academic year, which is just over 3 months.

I'm a single mum to 2 daughter's who will be 7 and 4 at the time. I share custody with their dad and he is very open about the opportunity and has said he would have the girls if it came to it.

AIBU to take up this opportunity? I can pick anywhere in the world to secure a placement (depending on if I get accepted of course). I don't think this opportunity will present itself again but I also can't shake off the fact that I would be leaving my 2 girls behind who are my everything.

Please let me know what you would do in my situation. Luckily I've got a few months to really think about it.

Thanks

Meanwhile, in real life, me and my friend have spent months plotting so we can get 3 days away from the kids. A regular topic of conversation amongst mum friends is how much we'd love to just take a week 'off' and how impossible it would be, and how even the day or 2 we snatch here or there is hard fought for. In real life involved parents don't just up and leave their kids for 3 months, popping in occasionally to say hi.

Do it OP.

I wish I could have afforded to do a semester abroad and has the childcare too. People who do so are at such a huge advantage to those who don’t.

I’m pretty disgusted by your distortion of facts - it’s not a jolly or a gap year. It’s an academic placement for three months, not three years.

I think the opposite actually. I think MN, or perhaps the internet, is full of very anxious people. In real life families have all kinds of parenting arrangements. I just wouldn't bother asking strangers though.

I went away for work for a month when my daughter was 18 months old. I said for years after that I never really got our relationship back. But honestly? It was because she discovered that her dad was a soft place to fall too. Like her mum. My loss was his gain. And hers. It hurt a bit. But it was good for our daughter. I wasn’t ‘lesser’. He just rose a little more in her eyes.

@elbigbx apologies if I missed it but did you explain how the accommodation at the foreign university would be free?!

@TiddleyWink If you had read my previous post you would have seen that I'm actually more in agreement with people encouraging me not to go, than the ones who are. You need to chill out a bit and don't let it get to you too much.+

If you can come home every other weekend, then go for it. I come from a family were most of the men were in the merchant navy and one in the RAF, so Dad's going away was the norm. I used to go away with my Nan for the full summer holidays so my Mum could hammer her hours at work. It made me think nothing of my DH working away. It was quite common in the 80's for the men to move for work. In many cultures both parents go to get work. I've friends from across Africa and many came here to join their parents after them working in the UK for a few years and the children being left with the GPs. It's about preparation and dealing with any upset.

She would see her children EOW and is not abandoning them.
Many mothers and family courts are happy with EOW contact or less for father's in broken parental relationships so what's the difference.
It's not permanent and she will see her DC every 12days.

So, thinking of impact on one's point of view of fact that OP will be returning every other weekend, ...it seems to me that there is a factor which hasn't been mentioned and that is Father's work...and Nanny, or whatever. Surely, if he works, when he is doing the 50/50 childcare, he must have help with school runs and when girls are ill? Much depends on how bonded the girls are with the nanny/ childminder. And, what if he gets ill? Are his parents involved with the children?

I think that phrases like 'phenomenal experience' are a catch-all for something which in reality will, likely, be vaguer. Anyone over 18 is unlikely to be so impressionable that a mere experience of novelty can blow them away. A very distant placement would offer the most eye-opening take on a new experience and the supposed personal growth, but to compromise, as would be best, and stay in Europe is going to dilute the shock of the unknown - just work with signs I'm different languages - to the extent that it's not going to be worth risking all the negatives.

I don't get if it's three months with an Easter holiday in the middle, or September to early December.

No.
It would be fine if you were a child-free student but not with 2 young DC.

I’m pretty disgusted by your distortion of facts - it’s not a jolly or a gap year. It’s an academic placement for three months, not three years.

It's totally inessential to either the course or her career. So yes, it's a jolly.

DH is in the military and has been away from home for long periods, but we've usually managed to Skype (when that was a thing) fairly frequently. DS used to think that daddy lived in the computer, but he's grown up to be a resilient teen.

OP, I'd concentrate more on whether the academic experience is going to be worthwhile. I studied in a European country on the Erasmus scheme, and it has not really helped my career, but it was sometimes a talking point in interviews. Is there something you would get out of studying abroad, academically speaking? Are there courses you could take that would not be available in England? Or would you just be going for the cultural experience? At the European University I studied at nearly everyone went home for the weekend, so it could be quite lonely at times. Would you really come home every other weekend? What about your workload?

Why can't you take a week off if you are desperate and leave your kids with your partner or DH unless they are really tiny? I have done that and so have many of my friends. Do we not live in the real world?

Honestly this competitive mumming...I get that many will not want to go for 3 months, but not even for a few days? I am so glad I am not the ground beneath my kids feet. It would be suffocating.

I wouldn't do it. I think the one thing you can do for your children is to physically be there for them. Phone calls and video calls just don't do it at their age. That length of time will seem immense for them and the fact you are having a great time will not bring them any comfort.

Once in a lifetime opportunity
It's only for a few months
You will visit often
They're with a loving parent
You can video call easily
The kids will see it as adventure
Do it :)

I did my Law degree as a lone parent 3 years ago, graduated with a 1st with zero support from my ex-husband in terms of childcare for our children. The only thing he did was pay maintenance, no contact whatsoever.

I can absolutely tell you now, practicing in the legal sector, do the placement. It WILL benefit you and will be an experience that will help your personal and professional growth as a woman which is a great example for your daughters.

They will be with their Dad, you'd fly back and visit - do it!!! You don't know what doors will open for you as a result.

I'm sure the father can take responsibility for his work and childcare cover while OP is away. Just like lone parents do day in and day out. If she trusts him, which he does, and he's not raising it as a concern, which he isn't, then fair to assume there's support around and systems in place and DC will not be left to go feral.

Meanwhile on other thread where the dad wants to take his kids to Philippines for 3 weeks to see his family:
”don’t let him” “they’ll miss you” “hide their passports””that’s too long”

Mother wants to take kids to Spain for 3 months “you go girl” “they’ll get an amazing experience” “dad can fly and visit”

Oh how I love mumsnet

My rule of thumb as a single mother doing a degree is this - think like a man would.

They all jump at this sort of shit, without a second thought for their spouse/ex or kids.

If you have a supportive ex, go for it.

Mine can’t cope with more than one weekend a month, so this sort of placement wasn’t an option for me (STEM - there were quite a few available), but in your shoes, I’d do it.

Don't change your mind too soon! This sounds like an amazing opportunity for you and I'm a firm believer that you don't have to give up on your own life and opportunities just because you have kids.

Your children will be with their dad, who you share custody with anyway so it's not a big change for them, and you'll be flying back to see them so every now & then. Plenty of children have a parent in the armed forces etc who travel a lot. This is just a one off so even less impactful.

I assume you'd want your children to take as many life opportunities as possible when they grow up. I think this sets a great example for that.

I know you said that you plan to go home eow. However, you will have assignments, possibly exams etc to do. You might find that going home won't be practical or might eat into time that you need to spend on college work as I doubt you'll want (or be able) to study on the weekends you are home with your children.

I'm a mature law student and had the option of going on erasmus last academic year. I didn't for 2 reasons. 1) I have children, although they are older than yours and 2) I found it hard to settle into my degree as I felt isolated as a mature student. I didn't want to face the same problems abroad. A friend of mine has just returned home after doing the last semester on erasmus. She has an adult daughter and had a great time. She had intended on coming home for visits but that didn't happen as she found it took her longer to settle in to a new way of life, different ways of teaching etc.

I think if you can make it work for you, great. Just be aware that it's not always as simple as just doing what you're doing in your course now, but abroad. The university will be different. The people will be different. The assessment style will be different, plus what the lecturers are looking for in assessments might be different. Also, friends of mine from my law course have found that modules they would have liked to do aren't available to them because of erasmus as they have to do certain modules to qualify for the LL.B and for the professional exams, all of which were 3rd year modules but they have to take in 4th year.

Absolutely not, 16 weeks is a very long time. I don't think the opportunity would actually benefit your career at all given the update that you'd just be studying at another university.

I've read quite a few of the posts (yours and other peoples') and I think you should go for it.

It's an incredible opportunity that will enrich your life and I doubt your girls will suffer for it - from what you've said about their relationship with their father (and your relationship with him, too - it sounds as though both of you are decent people who ultimately have managed to work out a respectful and manageable co-parenting style that works for you both).

Life is so uncertain and none of us know what's around the corner waiting for us. Opportunities like this don't come along every day and I truly believe that we should all grasp the really fabulous chances that pop up every now and then to undertake things that'll widen our knowledge, experience, skills, imagination and capacity to understand others.

You may not regret NOT doing it, but I bet you'll have an amazing time learning from and working alongside people you wouldn't otherwise have got to meet - the really good stuff in life is, after all, mostly about how we interact with the world around us, the connections we make with others and how we grow and learn.

If anything, I think your daughters will benefit from hearing all about their mother's adventure - when I was a kid, the tales one of my great aunt's used to tell me about all the countries she's visited were the best stories I'd ever heard and definitely planted an early desire in me to want to get out and see a bit of the world for myself.

There's quite a difference between Scenario 1 - one parent taking their children across the world, without the other parents' consent, and Scenario 2 - one parent going away on their own, leaving the children with the other parent who is happy to have them.