To leave children for 3 and a half months?

[elbigbx]

Hi

Would like opinions on my current situation as I've had mixed feedback from personal relationships.

I start my second year of university (Law degree) in September and we have been told we have the option for a work placement abroad for half of the academic year, which is just over 3 months.

I'm a single mum to 2 daughter's who will be 7 and 4 at the time. I share custody with their dad and he is very open about the opportunity and has said he would have the girls if it came to it.

AIBU to take up this opportunity? I can pick anywhere in the world to secure a placement (depending on if I get accepted of course). I don't think this opportunity will present itself again but I also can't shake off the fact that I would be leaving my 2 girls behind who are my everything.

Please let me know what you would do in my situation. Luckily I've got a few months to really think about it.

Thanks

Sorry to be a party pooper but please think very hard before you do this. Whilst it may be a great opportunity or offer long term benefits, you’re children will feel abandoned. My mother left me around a similar age (7) for four months to go abroad and I never got over it. It really damaged our relationship, I felt abandoned and have always held it against her. It’s very hard to understand as a child - even now I can’t justify her actions regardless of the benefits to her career.

Mothers are the key relationship with small children.
How about same sex dads or mums?**

Given that it will add absolutely nothing to your career it would be a purely self indulgent move. So be honest with yourself. It's a three month jolly. Not much more than a holiday.

Only you can answer whether leaving your kids for a three month holiday is worth it. Would you leave them in order to go on a three month yoga retreat? Would you support your ex if he said he wanted a three month yoga retreat?

Oh do give over. The very ground beneath their feet indeed! Mum martyrdom at its finest.

We clearly have children who aren’t happy or well adjusted!!

My father used to be away for 6-9 months at a time. We got used to it, I honestly can't remember what it was like then, so I was obviously not traumatised.

Honestly it’s not about not offending a load of strangers on the internet. It’s your decision. Which should be based on the strength of your relationship with your children. If you’re not particularly close then they won’t miss you that much, so it’s an easy choice. Neither my DH or myself would have put our kids through the trauma of that separation at that age, but we were a close family. Months fly by for adults, time passes so much more slowly for young kids, always good to remember that if you want to get their perspective.

Go for it, their father is supportive and surely it will be good for their relationship with him too.
Opportunities like this don't come around to often.
As a father who has frequently worked away for my job up to 3mths at a time it is hard at times but with zoom etc it is easy to keep a good relationship going and still be proactive in their day to day lives. Kids are very resilient too and if they could visit you while you at your chosen Uni that would be a great experience for them.

When I was 10, my mother had to spend 3 months in hospital. Ages ago. Children not allowed to visit. Only child. I loved my dad. He did his very best, but I honestly think I never had the same bond with my dm again. I look at the class photo for that year, and it all floods back. Little things. My plaits weren't right. My dad was a v good cook, but it wasn't the same.

Surely anyone who is encouraging Op to think her dds will be fine, that her absence will actually benefit them, encourage resilience and be an inspirational experience, is minimising her role as their mother? I'd be a bit concerned if it were so easy to replace me, for so long, at such a young age.

This isn't the experience of a lifetime. There will be many more. In fact, I think Op may find it a bit of a disappointment and a rather lonely experience as a mature student. It will be difficult to integrate. Trying to maintain a foot in two camps.

I'd think again.

This is a fantastic book to explain to your younger child about some of the emotions and feelings about Mummy going away.
We had the Daddy version for my DC.

Mummy's Home by Christopher MacGregor

Exactly. If my husband could pick 'anywhere in the world' like the OP says she can, he'd pick the country his kids live in, as would I.

I find it hard to stomach some of the posts here that talk about 'trauma' to the children.

It's ridiculous.

The OP will come back I am sure in those 14 weeks.

If you talk of 'trauma' how do you feel about parents who are in the armed forces? There are men and women who are away (especially in the Navy) for months on end. Many sea missions are for 6 months with no shore leave. Yes it's their job BUT they signed up voluntarily and had children as well.

LIkewise, it's common for a parent to be away offshore working and come home once a month.

Also many children who are at boarding schools in the UK have families overseas and they only see them at the end of a 10-12 week term. (I know- I worked with those kids.)

The reactions here about trauma and never forgiving a parent are disgraceful IMO.

You would think the OP was going away for years, not 14 weeks, with trips home in between, video calls and so on.

Wow, where to start with this one?

People who don’t choose to abandon their kids for a voluntary three month jolly abroad are ‘just jealous’ (newsflash: they’re not) and clearly it will hugely benefit the kids when mum comes back with a suntan having relieved herself of the stress of parenting them for a few months.

If this is real and not an attempt at satire then it’s one of the worst bits of parenting advice I’ve ever read.

TBH it says a huge amount about anyone when their posts include ‘anyone who disagrees with my opinion/actions is just jealous’.

No, sometimes they just think you’re a twat making horrible decisions.

I say go for it! I can't explain better than what has already been said about why you should go, but I did 4 months at Venice university as part of my degree and it was the best part of the whole uni experience.

This is why I’m strongly encouraging my girls to do all this before having kids. Eldest wants to do law with foreign language too. Sorry know not helpful.

You are now in a very hard position no one can tell you the right answer.

@Squashpocket

"Bad news - doesn't work like that. Mothers are the key relationship with small children. It may evolve as they get older but at primary school age you are everything to them. You are the very ground beneath their feet. Even if they have a great relationship with their dad, .. "

That's an awful lot of misogyny ! And it isn't applicable here as OP has already explained she and their dad have 50:50 child arrangement .... so they are pretty secure with their dad who is also their parent!! They have two parents and adore their Dad.

You'll be saying Gay (male) Dads shouldn't adopt as children need a (female) Mum or that all lone parent Dads 'are inadequate' next...!!! If you realise that is the natural extension of your argument, then I'm sure you realise you don't really mean it!!!!

And OP isn't not seeing her DCs for 3 months but EOW instead of every other full week for those 3 months - their children would see their mum for 8 days a month (less than they currently do but also see their dad for 8 days more a month!

• 8 days more/less is from 3 days a week for long weekend twice a month instead of 7 days twice a month.

Whatever you decide, does not indicate how much you love your children.

if you think you’ll be ok, and they’ll be ok, then go for it.

its not a long time, in the entirety of their childhood.

Thymeout
People and children react very differently to many situations.
Your example was probably not a planned absence whereas the OP's will be.
I'm sure she can prepare her DC and also arrange to meet them during the term.
There are positives.and negatives in many situations it just depends on how you/they allow them to affect and shape the experience.
Many parents are away from children for a variety of reasons, managed, discussed and prepared for correctly they needn't be bad experiences.

Yes but it isn't 3.5 months without seeing her... As she is back EOW.... So the maximum time they would be apart is 12 days.....

I absolutely wouldn't do it, and if my DH suggested that he wanted to do like that I'd tell him he'd missed the point of being a parent. My kids would be heartbroken if I suggested it, and would probably never forgive me. Mumsnet is bonkers for this kind of stuff. On here people think it's fine, in real life no-one thinks this sort of thing is okay.

People who don’t choose to abandon their kids for a voluntary three month jolly abroad are ‘just jealous’ (newsflash: they’re not) and clearly it will hugely benefit the kids when mum comes back with a suntan having relieved herself of the stress of parenting them for a few months

Complete distortion of the situation and disregard of facts.

I’d go

its a once in a lifetime type thing. How do you think children with parents (mums too!) in the forces that are away for that length of time.

with FaceTime and being able to come back eow weekend and their dad looking after them is go in a heart beat

if you go and decide it’s to much you can come back surely?

I would too.

I wouldn't. No job is worth that.

This thread is actually really bloody sad. Page after page of probably half the posters encouraging this woman to move abroad from
her kids for three months for a jolly and her clearly dead set on doing it.

Never mind the kids eh? Blooming inconveniences getting in the way of an adult gap year - just go, they’ll be fine. Bloody hell.

I thought I was about as far from a mummy martyr as you could get but I’m disgusted by this thread.