To leave children for 3 and a half months?

[elbigbx]

Hi

Would like opinions on my current situation as I've had mixed feedback from personal relationships.

I start my second year of university (Law degree) in September and we have been told we have the option for a work placement abroad for half of the academic year, which is just over 3 months.

I'm a single mum to 2 daughter's who will be 7 and 4 at the time. I share custody with their dad and he is very open about the opportunity and has said he would have the girls if it came to it.

AIBU to take up this opportunity? I can pick anywhere in the world to secure a placement (depending on if I get accepted of course). I don't think this opportunity will present itself again but I also can't shake off the fact that I would be leaving my 2 girls behind who are my everything.

Please let me know what you would do in my situation. Luckily I've got a few months to really think about it.

Thanks

What a 4yo says and what is actually the case are often two very different things, though.

I would also criticise a dad planning the same trip - and I'm also not remotely impressed by any divorced dad that only sees his DC EOW. It's shit parenting and not something anyone should be aspiring to!

OP has also fully admitted that this trip won't benefit her career - she just wants to get the opportunity to live abroad for a few months.

It's not misogyny just because you disagree with what another woman is doing.

There are lots of men that do leave their young DCs for far longer than 3 months - how about divorced parents where the NRP just sees them EOW every other weekend. That is exactly what OP is proposing - she's not proposing going away and not returning to see her children for 3 months!! They also will be with a parent, their Dad the whole time.

So - unless you berate every Dad you know who "only has" EOW contact arrangements with their DCs - and that will be 10,000s (or likely far more!!) - then it does seem discriminatory to critique OP

Could they visit you or come stay with you for part of the time? ie; take your DD1 out of school for a month, rather than the entire time?

@Tiani4
What PPs are criticising is a mum going away for study opportunities for her career - which she feels will benefit her career and degree

Multiple posters have confirmed it will be of zero career benefit, and in OP’s own words:

This isn't about being employable in the future, obviously yes that would be a benefit, it's the opportunity to experience different cultures/ways of life and everything else that living in a different country would do. That might sound incredibly selfish when I have children, but the experience would be phenomenal.

This.👆
If my husband had been the stay at home parent and the children spent most time with him, I would have briefly considered it because it sounds a wonderful opportunity. But even if I was able to come back every other weekend I wouldn't do it because of the age of the children. At 7, a week is an awfully long time. And although you can discuss it with your older child, a four year old has a very tenuous grip on the concept of time.

Yes you should do it. It will be an amazing experience for you, be good for your career which is in turn good for them in the long run. Lots of father swork away from home during the week, travel a lot for work, or even don't get home until late (pre pandem WFH) and then don't see young kids during the week. Go to Paris or another major city with regular flights so you can easily hop back for a weekend, or your ex could bring them over, your parents could too or siblings if you have any. You will have an amazing time.

THIS! Most men wouldn't give it a second thought!

Go for it! You know they'll be safe, happy and loved. They'll probably have a great time with their Dad

Sorry, but that is far too long to leave such young children! It's really not necessary, unless you have a really specific law degree in international law with a second language. I don't think that being abroad would be advantageous. To get ahead in law you really just need good grades, a genuine interest, an ability to work hard and intuition. You're only entering your second year and still have The Legal Practice Course to go and that may well require you commuting/working away from home for a year in any event. How will you manage that?

an amazing opportunity. with zoom,etc now you can speak to them regularly, watch TV with them. dont think you need to be home twice a month. Once would do with maybe 1 visit where they come out to you

I should point out that I come from a legal background, so cannot see how it will be beneficial to her career.

There are a couple of aphorisms in there that I'm not convinced by.

Is a 4-year-old going to be happy at being separated from her mother as long as the mother is happy?

If the 4-year-old minds that her mother is away, does she not matter?

Are you quite sure that everyone raising a concern is just jealous?

Absolutely I would, sounds like a fantastic opportunity!

Mothers in the army or diplomatic services put kids in boarding school and don’t see them for months on end every single year, these people incredulous at the very idea possibly have quite limited life experience?

Sounds like you have a great relationship with their dad and are doing a fantastic parenting job together!

I would also criticise a dad planning the same trip - and I'm also not remotely impressed by any divorced dad that only sees his DC EOW. It's shit parenting and not something anyone should be aspiring to!

Then that's a lot of (mostly) NRP Dads you will be calling out as shit parents!!! I don't disagree that EOW is not that much but then these significant number of NRP dads (& occasionally mums) do it for decades!! OP is planning to do EOW for 3 months and usually has DCs 50:50, I think she is still up on parenting score!!

Also lots of men go away for work. My exH could have worked locally but he enjoyed his career. Many of the building contractors who go away for onsite work projects for months in end, also could switch to a job nearer home if persistent but they enjoy their jobs and are good at it.

OP has also fully admitted that this trip won't benefit her career - she just wants to get the opportunity to live abroad for a few months.

And..? Your point is...?
Of course "studied abroad at (European) uni in exchange programme" will help her in her career, it will increase her confidence, offer new skills, new knowledge , a wider perspective of law and make her CV stand out from others. Anyone can see that, it doesn't need to have a direct benefit of an extra qualification - it can be an indirect benefit! Why do you think Universities invest in these programmes??!

And so what if wants to get the opportunity to study abroad? Many people would.. even if it's not for everyone, we are all different. I wouldn't but OP does.

It's not misogyny just because you disagree with what another woman is doing.

It is misogyny when a woman (mother) is unfairly criticised for doing what a significant proportion of men (fathers) do, only see their DCs EOW (whilst OP is studying abroad) . OP is taking about a one off time limited course of 3 months, not moving abroad forever! It is internalised sexism when PPs are judging OP as a Mum more harshly than they would a Dad (already states how many men have EOW arrangements no different in child contact time to what OP is proposing. )

There's probably an over representation of PPs on here who don't have the adventurous work lives that some people - yes parents- do, that maybe it's hard for those to imagine how different people and different families live and families and children thrive in.

I don’t know if you’re reading anymore, op, but I’d absolutely do it. When I first saw your thread I thought no way! Especially as it’s not essential or necessarily helpful to your long term career prospects and could therefore seem selfish. However……3.5 months will fly by. Your kids will not remember it, or if they do, it’ll just be nice memories of when they lived just with dad for a bit. My sil was ill a few years back when her kids were 7 and 9 and she spent the best part of 6 months away from them. The older one said the other day that she vaguely remembered her mum was in hospital for a couple of weeks!
If you think you’ll be ok being away from them you should do it. They will be fine.

That’s far too long for something that’s unnecessary.
I never took any time away from my four, nothing else was as important.

I'm career minded and did a masters and doctorate when dc was young. I had to carefully consider the impact on them as the doctorate involved daily travel (4 hour round trip, 3 times per week). Even that I found difficult as I missed bedtime at times. I personally couldn't leave dc for that long as I would miss them and miss out too much.

My dh has travelled for work (2weeks away and 2 weeks home) for 4 months and he hated it. Coming home for those 2 weeks was upsetting for dc as they had to say goodbye every two weeks (they're super close). I think it's important to consider the impact of popping home to see them and then leaving again.

Only you can decide whether on balance it's going to benefit you, your dc, your career.

YANBU. Your ex sounds like a decent person. If he wasn’t, I’d strongly advise against it. We don’t stop becoming our own people when we have kids. Go for it - you never k ow how it will benefit your future opportunities, who you’ll meet, how it will improve your confidence. It’s important for kids to spend a decent amount of time with the other parent - what happens in an emergency? Go for it!

It’s nothing like a gap year. It’s 12 weeks and seeing the kids every two of those weeks. They’ll be with a father who adores them and who they adore right back. In their own home with no disruption of routine.

Please do it @elbigbx. It will be good for you and good for them.

Whilst I agree about the experience, I personally felt that at the point I chose to have my children, those type of things were on hold for me until my children were grown up.

But that’s what I personally decided was right for me/my family.

ultimately you know your children. The only thing I would say is this - if you truly wanted to do it and thought your kids would be ok with it, you wouldn’t be asking for this advice.

Good luck in whatever you decide!

Oh this is really tricky.

It would be a great experience, no doubt.
On the other hand, it will be tough on the kids, no doubt.

All those saying “loads of men do it” sure but the children are used to it and I bet those fathers aren’t the main parent. In your case it will be a massive change for your DC.

Honestly, if I were in your shoes it would probably never occur to me that this was even possible. But that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t do it! I’ve probably just internalised a lot of mum guilt.

I’m totally on the fence.

Would you be able to take some holiday in the middle of the 3 months to spend a good chunk of time with them ?

@HaveringWavering

I think you'll find OP said it would benefit her career- did you not read what you quoted?!

You said : Multiple posters have confirmed it will be of zero career benefit, and in OP’s own words:

(OP said ...) "This isn't about being employable in the future, obviously yes that would be a benefit, .... (before she went onto say she would enjoy the experience of different culture etc)

Of course it will make her cv stand out to others , some law firms may not be interested but some will and OP May decided to do into a different law related field which is interested in it!

Also universities invest significantly in these study abroad exchanges because they are of benefit to the degree and the student's future opportunities- and they create more rounded students at the end. Unis wouldn't invest in it if they didn't have any benefit!

Sorry ignore my comment on “main parent” just saw you are 50/50

Go. You will never have this opportunity again. In the grand scheme of things 3 months will pale in comparison to how much time u will have with them after that. It will refresh you and help you. It won’t be easy but you will absolutely regret not going. This is from a mum who has two girls with the same interval. Please go. Especially as have their dad with them who doesn’t mind. As long as they are safe and there will be support. Go. Go. GO.

When I was 4 and my sister 7, my dad worked in Canada for 3 months and my mum joined him for 5 weeks. My dear Nan looked after my sister and I at our home. I have zero memory of it! I was close to my mum too. Obviously 5 weeks is nearly a third less. However, this was in the 70s, so no face time. I also imagine v few phone calls. As you are leaving them with their other primary parent, they are staying in their home and will coming back every 2 weeks, I think it could work.

Fuck no. I know Mumsnet thinks mothers and fathers are exactly equal in children's eyes and if a father could leave for 3 months (although I don't think they should either), then the mother should be allowed to as well.

Bad news - doesn't work like that. Mothers are the key relationship with small children. It may evolve as they get older but at primary school age you are everything to them. You are the very ground beneath their feet. Even if they have a great relationship with their dad, the consistent foundation of your presence and influence is what is going to allow them to grow up happy and well adjusted.

Do not leave them for 3 months. It will be an adverse experience for them.