To leave children for 3 and a half months?

[elbigbx]

Hi

Would like opinions on my current situation as I've had mixed feedback from personal relationships.

I start my second year of university (Law degree) in September and we have been told we have the option for a work placement abroad for half of the academic year, which is just over 3 months.

I'm a single mum to 2 daughter's who will be 7 and 4 at the time. I share custody with their dad and he is very open about the opportunity and has said he would have the girls if it came to it.

AIBU to take up this opportunity? I can pick anywhere in the world to secure a placement (depending on if I get accepted of course). I don't think this opportunity will present itself again but I also can't shake off the fact that I would be leaving my 2 girls behind who are my everything.

Please let me know what you would do in my situation. Luckily I've got a few months to really think about it.

Thanks

Well given that you have a great 50:50 Co parenting arrangement with their Dad, you can trust him, he's supportive and also he's a good parent, then I say go for it!! It'll enrich your life, your degree, make you happy (happy mum happy children) and this opportunity won't come again!

Who cares what other people say? Those that matter won't mind and those that mind don't matter... it'll be jealousy if anyone criticises you.

Yes it'll be tough not having your DCs with you but you'll be refreshed when you return and probably a better parent for it.

He’d fly to Spain EOW to accommodate his ex having a cultural exchange experience 🙄

Is it a “brilliant opportunity” or “once in a lifetime” for you though? I mean it’s just studying at another Uni, potentially in another language, is it not?

Well, exactly. I think the OP might have far better opportunities for her and her family at a later date (a secondment or sabbatical perhaps, where the children could go too). This sounds like a nice thing to do, but I don't get how it is being trumpeted as the 'opportunity of a lifetime'.

Only difference is that she might need to be a bit more proactive about creating such an opportunity in future.

you’re going to see them every weekend, it’s only three months (not three years!).

If it was the father who had this opportunity, he wouldn’t even think twice about going.They love their Dad and you have 50/50 care arrangements.

And those saying no are the reason for the gender pay gap.

@Tiani4 very true!! Thank you x

Men do this all the time and nobody blinks at it. The children will be fine.

I’d say if you have a good relationship with your ex and you can get back and FaceTime etc go for it !
good luck

This all sounds very expensive to fly back every other weekend, can you really afford that. I don't know your circumstances but I don't know many people that could afford this, especially students.

Personally for me it would be a no, I have similar aged children and couldn't imagine it.

I assume a UK placement is an option? If you're practicing UK law would that not be more relevant?

@Tiani4 except those that matter - the kids- might care. I certainly did and still do.

why do people spout this bollocks? My husband really hates it if he has to be away for work even for a few days. He misses the kids like mad (and they miss him).

Abso-bloody-lutely!!!!

Go, enjoy it, relish the experience and come back knowing that we usually only regret the things we didn't try to do

Wanting to do something for yourself isn't a selfish or bad thing.
Infact it will teach your girls that sometimes putting yourself first is a very good thing for everyone

If my sons dad was reliable I'd not think twice about it... Most men wouldn't!!

The kids will be looked after, fed and fine!

Where are all these men going for a 3 month “gap year “ trip without any financial gain and even considering taking the kids with them? 👀 Do you honestly know anyone who’s done it?

It’s COMPLETELY different from being deployed or going for a career enhancing training.

They already live 50/50 with each parent, so I think they probably grasp this.

I don’t think that’s true. Men with children are not at all a common demographic amongst undergraduate students on cultural exchange programmes, nor do they often go off to live abroad for months for no pay, no career enhancement value and minimal educational benefit. Most who tried that would get their arses handed to them on a plate!

How will a 4-year-old really missing her mum for months for no good reason teach her that being selfish is a good thing?

Cross post @Lovemypeaceandquiet 😀.

Please put this in perspective as many of us have been married to male partners (who are parents too!) that travel for work projects. It's not unusual also for construction workers to go away for months at a time on a particular build,

My (ex)H worked for 18 months in Holland (business consultancy) on a project, in Ireland for two years, a few other places around U.K. and sometimes was home for only 4 months in between. I live in south of England.

He didn't always fly back every other weekend. I visited him a few times with baby and preschooler in tow...

No one was criticising him!

The irony here of people criticising a mum who is doing a one off for her career, not realising that there's a significant proportion of people who have to do this for work- it's usually more men than women but why not women when DCs have a good Dad willing to have them too (& happy to return to 50:50 afterwards) .

It will be good for your degree and career otherwise they wouldn't offer this. (And good for the soul!)

If this opportunity excites you then there's your answer!! You've checked out practicalities for DCs...

My dad spent two years of working away weekly and coming home weekends. Being a younger child (infants age so similar to OPs) it didn't affect me greatly. It did affect teenage DB going through the power struggle phase of the mid-secondary years.

My family composition changed a lot through my childhood with working away/ uni/ moving out/ bereavement, but I had the stability of staying at my home and constant schooling other than one major house move. I've not been traumatised or had attachment issues despite lots of parental coming and going and a major bereavement.

I think it's reasonable for OP to take this opportunity. The consistency of maintaining schooling and remaining at home is the most stable method. Being able to visit relatively frequently and the avaliability of video calls for regular contact is a game changer.

He misses the kids like mad (and they miss him).

Its ok to miss someone, in a relationship it’s ok to have time apart and experience missing someone - how that experience is dealt with is what’s important

@FilterWash

Because in most people's experience the man absolutely would go and not worry about what he was leaving behind

I know lots and lots of men that have advanced their careers by travelling etc despite having children.... I can't say the same for all the mothers I know

Stereotypes often exist because sadly a lot of people experience the same

I have some employability responsibility at a university and although I don't deal with the law placements, in general, studying abroad doesn't massively enhance anyone's employability unless it's a work placement. At best it shows a willingness to travel and experience new things, but I really don't think it would be a clincher in any type of work recruitment, if you have done well in your UK university- also the grades you get from abroad can be a bit haphazard and that can be problematic. For 20 year olds, yes, absolutely, but this isn't a once in a lifetime opportunity really from my perspective, which some job placements definitely are.

The OP career would gain much more from getting a work experience/internship in the UK

All these people saying men wouldn't think twice! I don't know what sort of men you are all surrounded by but I don't know anybody who would leave their young children for 3 months. Nobody in my family or friends group would leave their spouse for 3 months nevermind their young kids. Anybody who would probably isn't that connected to them anyway.

If you read OP's posts she's already said her DDs would be delighted to go stay with Dad for those 3 months and that they adore him.

She'll still be coming home to spend time with them every other weekend- EOW!!- which is often as much as many divorced Dads/NRP (who don't seek more child arrangement sharing) see their DCs . It's not uncommon to have EOW arrangement . No one criticises them- as they are viewed as still regularly seeing their children!!!

What PPs are criticising is a mum going away for study opportunities for her career - which she feels will benefit her career and degree - and her having an EOW arrangement whilst she's away!!!

There's a lot of hidden mysogyny / internalised sexism in some PP's replies.

Go for it x