To leave children for 3 and a half months?

[elbigbx]

Hi

Would like opinions on my current situation as I've had mixed feedback from personal relationships.

I start my second year of university (Law degree) in September and we have been told we have the option for a work placement abroad for half of the academic year, which is just over 3 months.

I'm a single mum to 2 daughter's who will be 7 and 4 at the time. I share custody with their dad and he is very open about the opportunity and has said he would have the girls if it came to it.

AIBU to take up this opportunity? I can pick anywhere in the world to secure a placement (depending on if I get accepted of course). I don't think this opportunity will present itself again but I also can't shake off the fact that I would be leaving my 2 girls behind who are my everything.

Please let me know what you would do in my situation. Luckily I've got a few months to really think about it.

Thanks

I'm afraid I agree with those who say no, given that it's the cultural experience, rather than tangible benefits to your CV which is motivating you.

Whoever is with the girls, Dad or Mum, it's one less parent in the vicinity to help, add benefit, query decisions. Three months is quite a long time for unexpected things to crop up - re their Dad's work, etc.

Surely study is just study and work just work, wherever you are, as stated by other poster.

I wouldn't do this.
I don't think the argument that many men go away for their jobs makes a difference, there's a possibility that the children will be unsettled by it and it isn't a necessary part of the degree, it's just an option that won't be that much of an advantage career wise.

OP, you’re daft to ask on here. I agree with the pp who said you know how this would work for your children.

At the end of the day, in 25 years time, you need to be able to look back and feel ok with the job you’ve made of parenting. We all do. You could take this opportunity and feel ok about it, or not take this opportunity and feel ok about it.

It's for you and their father to decide.

Yes, okay. I also have a law degree and while I don’t work as a qualified solicitor now, I once did. My experience is different to yours, clearly, because I have seen it be considered beneficial.

I wouldn't do it. All children are different but my mum going into hospital for a week when I was not much older than 4 has stayed with me as a bad memory ever since. I was a sensitive child but still ...I hated her not being there.

Do it! 😁It sounds like an amazing opportunity, especially as they have a good, supportive dad who they spend 50% of the time with anyway.
FaceTime and visit on a fairly regular basis if you can. And ditch the guilt. Most men wouldn’t even think twice. It sounds brilliant, and I think you’ll regret it if you don’t.
it’s not as if you’ll be held prisoner if it doesn’t work out.

Do it! Your kids will be fine with their dad and won’t even remember it much when they’re older. But talking about this with them when their older could actually help them. They’ll grow up knowing they matter as a person, not just as a role like wife or mother. So many women are conditioned that they need to always put themselves last, and it does them no good. Your kids can grow up and see/experience that being a good mom doesn’t mean always putting yourself last.

I left my children for 4 months to go and do an overseas project when they were aged between 14 months and 5. My partner has worked away for similar amounts of time. They still have a parent looking after them. And it demonstrates to them that raising children is not the exclusive concern of women, which is an important message for their future lives.

I wouldn't. I had to leave my DC for around 3 month in total spread out over a year when he was 2-3. Not my choice medical necessity our longest separation was 6 weeks but with the odd day visit) I'm convinced it's the cause of his self esteem issues and an very concerned about his mental health. He was left with GP with whom he had and still has an excellent bond. I'd not risk it. If you want to experience a new culture etc do it with your kids

It’s a once in a lifetime opportunity, you’re going to see them every weekend, it’s only three months (not three years!).
If it was the father who had this opportunity, he wouldn’t even think twice about going.They love their Dad and you have 50/50 care arrangements.

I think this is a straightforward ‘Go For It’ situation. Do it, OP!

@TiddleyWink that would NEVER happen, not in a million years.

I'd do it. Brilliant opportunity, chance to get away from them and also role-modelling investment in yourself.

You wouldn’t be the first or last to do it. Plenty of people all over the world work away from home and it works for a lot of them. If you are based in Europe - could you realistically come back at the weekend? Or would you be working all hours then as well? My commute is 90 mins each way in London! Just be realistic in what you can manage.

Thanks for all your input. I agree with what people are saying and think I will only do it if I'm able to work something out where the girls can come with me, which is highly unlikely as I don't want them to lose their school place.

😊

The children will be with their father. I would absolutely go if I had the chance. three months in the grand scheme of things is such a short period of time,

I’m wondering whether people saying it’s fine and they won’t remember experienced the reality of it when they were children? Your kids are bonded with both you and their Dad and they are used to spending time with you both. You can’t just take that away and have no impact on the kids. I wouldn’t do that when it’s purely by choice and you could just as easily not do it.

Yes I did. As did pp.

How long have you and DH been separated? That may make a difference as well.

I’m a lawyer, sometimes get involved in recruitment and I echo what all the other lawyers have said on here about it giving you absolutely no competitive advantage when you come to apply for a training contract.

How does it work in terms of your degree? Will you study completely different modules over there than you would in the U.K.? Do they deliver teaching in English? The risk is that it actually detracts from the quality and depth of your learning over the three years and leaves you struggling to catch up with your core subjects, or perhaps you will end up having to do some fairly pointless optional module like “ Spanish Constitutional law” that will be useless to you in the future, which would mean passing up the chance to do a U.K. option that might relate more closely to your future practice/interests eg Construction law or something?

Is it a “brilliant opportunity” or “once in a lifetime” for you though? I mean it’s just studying at another Uni, potentially in another language, is it not? You’ll have the same course work to do assignments etc etc. You might get a little bit of the vibe of what living in that country is like but you’ll be living a student life which isn’t really totally representative of that country anyway (even here!) You’ll then have added stress and exhaustion of a twice monthly commute home. That’s two weekends a month of not being in that culture immersion which you’re going for plus two weekends a month of not great study time for assignments etc plus exhaustion of commuting (which it will be). It sounds more stressful than “brilliant opportunity” to me. i men’s maybe if I was childfree I’d jump at the change of mingling in another country’s student lifestyle. I’d probably really enjoy it but wouldn’t be coming home during the 3 months (maybe one weekend max) and I’d probably tag before/after travel in that country on as well. That would be a whole different experience to what you are proposing.

Thats even setting aside the impact on your DC - the above is purely the benefit to you which tbh seems minimal. It’s not a work placement and enough people have commented that it’s not going to open any career doors. It’s not a full culture immersion because you’re dipping in abs out frequently and have commitments elsewhere. Is the experience you’ll
have worth 3 months upheaval for you all? I’m not saying “ohh you can’t leave your children for 3 months they’ll be traumatised” because I don’t know either way abs every child and family is different. For me personally I wouldn’t do this but wouldn’t say no to other opportunities that would enhance my career in future. I don’t think this is going to be the experience your looking for tbh.

Before you give up on this OP, what time of year would this trip be? Also if it isn't outing where do you live (if you live in London that changes things a lot)?

Oh but what about their Dad who they spend 50% or their time with OP?

I would only do it if there was an could tangible benefit that would help my employability in the future. If it helps show experience in international law, or ha ing fluency in another language then fine. Otherwise I couldn't square the te away. Especially if during that time I could be studying and potentially building relevant work experience at home which may not be an option in a country where I don't speak the language.

I'm all about longevity or benefits these days.

In this particular case, as it add nothing to your employability, I wouldn´t do it. I am ex Erasmus, so do know what that "type" of scheme is like. I also have a 3.5 year old. Her dad was in hospital for a month in April-May and it affected her a lot, even though we saw him every day. The fact he wasnt coming home with us, made her disapointed, then when he came home she basically ignored him, wouldn´t let him tell her stories or put her to bed. He is back in hospital now again for the last week, for something unrelated, and I notice it in her behaviour, she is more nervous and clingy, we explain and explain and she seems to understand, but then, she doesn´t really. We visit every day, so it´s not like she goes a week withous seeing him. When we got home the other day she inspected all the rooms looking for him, when we had just left him at the hospital. Going up in the lift, mummy he will be in the house when we get there. So, this one here, who has been on Erasmus, seen the world, armed with this info, wouldn´t do it.

@satisbleakhouse it would be Jan-April. I don't live in London, I live in the Midlands