To leave children for 3 and a half months?

[elbigbx]

Hi

Would like opinions on my current situation as I've had mixed feedback from personal relationships.

I start my second year of university (Law degree) in September and we have been told we have the option for a work placement abroad for half of the academic year, which is just over 3 months.

I'm a single mum to 2 daughter's who will be 7 and 4 at the time. I share custody with their dad and he is very open about the opportunity and has said he would have the girls if it came to it.

AIBU to take up this opportunity? I can pick anywhere in the world to secure a placement (depending on if I get accepted of course). I don't think this opportunity will present itself again but I also can't shake off the fact that I would be leaving my 2 girls behind who are my everything.

Please let me know what you would do in my situation. Luckily I've got a few months to really think about it.

Thanks

@Ringmaster27 But it IS a jolly. OP said upthread this is not about being more employable, it is for her own enjoyment, to live in a different culture.

Because some of us it doesn’t negatively impact? I moved countries as a child, and both my parents went on work trips. My mother was away once for five months. I never had an issue with it, and it wasn’t the source of any trauma.

it depends on the individual children really. OP knows her kids, and she knows their father and what he will provide them when she’s away.

It's not a work placement.

I wouldn't if it's not going to make you more employable. I'd be very concerned that, with the aviation industry in the state it's in, that it would potentially be much harder to get back EOW than you think it will be.

It will look good on her CV, and it can make her more employable depending on what she intends to do, whether that’s her motivation or not. That said, own enjoyment and experience are valuable in their own right.

It’s a great experience to have, and her children will be cared for. She will also have regular contact with them, she’s not disappearing off the face of the earth.

I'm very career minded with 3 young children, eldest 2 are currently 6 and 4. There is not a cat in hells chance I'd leave them an longer than a week nevermind 3 months for work. I mean even if it meant I was promised a job with a top law firm at the end I'm still not sure I could. If it's just a case of something you can do, why can't you take a placement in the UK? Surely you could get the same experience closer to home? The whole placement abroad thing is geared up for 20 year olds who have zero commitments, not people with a life, a family a mortgage etc already. I wouldn't, but if you are already used to not seeing your children everyday maybe it's less of a thing to you?

I'm a lawyer who hires lawyers, and I would be surprised if it makes you materially more employable. Which is only one of the reasons why you might be keen to do it, but I thought it only fair to say.

No, but it is experience that will certainly benefit her CV, and can prove very useful to have done depending on what she wants to do once qualified.

Definitely go. You'll never get the opportunity again and you obviously have a good relationship with your children's father and most importantly, trust him. It is a long time to be away from them however and at least if you're in Europe you can hopefully see them at some point during your trip.

No it won’t, I’m sorry. Unless the OP thinks of moving to Spain. No UK employer is going to care that she spent a semester abroad.

Same. I moved several countries, including one in the grip of a violent revolution. It made me confident, resilient and I thank my parents for it everyday. I won't be posting about how I am traumatised by the school gates or terrified about meeting someone new. I think those words are very overused on MN where everyone always appears to look at the worst side of everything and live in a constant state of paranoia.

Surely that’s dependent on the type of law practiced? I’ve know plenty of companies that appreciate experience of international placements, particularly in European countries where expansion is planned.

I wouldn't judge you for doing it at all. However, I would really miss them and wouldn't want to be away from them for so long.

But I was a sahm for a decade because I wanted to be with my kids. I don't judge mums who chose to work at all.

Couldn't you have them with you for half the time? So dd1 wouldn't miss much school. Or actually for the whole 3 months. They would learn a fair bit of the language and experience a new culture. Their dad may object though.

No…it’s not really reasonable is it..? It’s a shame but that’s the reason people
tend to try and do this stuff before they have children. And I don’t think a father would do the same! Not at all! My DH actually is a lawyer and as soon as the eldest was born he stopped accepting secondments.

You should definitely take up this opportunity. Children are adaptable and it sounds like you got a great Co-parenting situation place. If you aim for somewhere in mainland Europe you’re only a short flight away. Best of luck 😊

Honestly, all the lawyers on this thread, of whom I'm one, are pointing out that spending a few months in a foreign university is not likely to make any material difference to employability. An actual work placement with a firm in the jurisdiction she intends to work in (England, presumably) would be far more valuable.

I'm not saying she shouldn't do it, by the way, only that she should have her eyes open about the pros and cons. If she were talking about a trainee seat abroad that would be a completely different matter and definitely valuable experience.

Plus I think you’ll find flying back to the UK not sustainable.

Oh goodness, OP. There is nothing in the known universe that could have persuaded me to do that. I'm all in favour of living in different countries and experiencing different cultures, but not at that price (because the children are the ones who will pay the price in the short term - and it may or may not damage your relationship with them in the longer term). A four-year-old in particular is going to be very unsettled by a parent suddenly not being there. Seeing them briefly EOW would arguably make it worse, as they'd have to go through the separation part repeatedly. A four-year-old can't really understand that s/he'll see you again in a fortnight. They can manage it if they have calendars, things to tick off etc - but they shouldn't have to be managing this at that age. I'm surprised that you're even considering it, given that it's optional.

I would say the same if you were a man, and I'd say the same if you were proposing to go to a different city in the UK for that length of time.

No one has mentioned the possibility that after three months living full time with their dad and having the stability of a single home, the kids may not want to go back to 50/50 shuffling. Of course they’re too little to decide that for themselves but it may well be supported by their dad who decides to keep them and go for main residency.

Remember that if you go, he (as the ‘hero single dad who has stepped up’ figure) will likely be surrounded by practical support from people (largely women) who will be bowing down to his wonder as a parent and judging you for going. Which means he may well not find full time custody as stressful and hard as you’re assuming, and may not be quite as keen to chuck them back at you when you get back.

As a mum i wild be fucking terrified of that potential outcome, however improbable you think it is.

However, I’m starting to take this thread with a fairy large pinch of salt anyway.

But it’s not a placement! It’s literally a term in another university, which happens to be in another country. OP is absolutely entitled to go for it if she wants to, and it sounds as though she has good support at home which will make it easy, but there’s no point in trying to dress it up as something other than a jolly way to spend a term. None of my undergrad peers got any further than anyone else just because they’d done an ERASMUS year.

Exactly.

Yep, our move was promoted by civil war and having bombs dropped on us. It wasn’t fun but I can’t say it made me a traumatised wreck. As an adult I’m also confident and resilient, and I’m not daunted by separation. Having lifelong trauma because mum has gone on a short placement, during which she’s been in phone contact every day and physically visited every two weeks, seems absurd to me.

That said, I suppose it does depend on the individual child/ren, and their own perspective. The best judge of that one though in this case is OP, not anyone here.

Again, that can be dependent on how OP wants to use her degree once she’s qualified. I have known it to be considered a benefit.

it doesn’t need dressing up, so that’s not what I’m attempting to do. The experience is valuable to OP in it’s own right, and she shouldn’t pass it up if she doesn’t want to.

I wouldn't but people in the armed forces do it.

Couldn't you have them with you for half the time? So dd1 wouldn't miss much school. Or actually for the whole 3 months. They would learn a fair bit of the language and experience a new culture. Their dad may object though.

Not sure how much they would get out of being in a university crèche while mum spends hours in the library, though. It’s not like a 9-5 job or a placement - trying to keep up with your studies in an unfamiliar environment is a challenge on its own. I would think that the time spent doing fun family things together would be pretty limited.