To leave children for 3 and a half months?

[elbigbx]

Hi

Would like opinions on my current situation as I've had mixed feedback from personal relationships.

I start my second year of university (Law degree) in September and we have been told we have the option for a work placement abroad for half of the academic year, which is just over 3 months.

I'm a single mum to 2 daughter's who will be 7 and 4 at the time. I share custody with their dad and he is very open about the opportunity and has said he would have the girls if it came to it.

AIBU to take up this opportunity? I can pick anywhere in the world to secure a placement (depending on if I get accepted of course). I don't think this opportunity will present itself again but I also can't shake off the fact that I would be leaving my 2 girls behind who are my everything.

Please let me know what you would do in my situation. Luckily I've got a few months to really think about it.

Thanks

To those saying noone would judge a man for doing this, I would, actually. Totally. I would think it was selfish. Young- but not that young- kids are probably going to be the most affected by a parent taking off for that length of time. My 5yo finds it very difficult when one of us goes away, and that's for maximum a fortnight.

OP I would have understood it if this was an essential part of your degree, but it isn't, and your update makes it clear that you're looking at it as a chance for a bit of a jolly. Well, we'd all like one of those, but life gets in the way! If you're pursuing law as a career, there are probably going to be many, many times further down the line when you need to work early/work late/work away, so I'd save up my "going away" cards for when you really need them.

My husband deploys abroad regularly and nobody calls him a bad parent ever! He Facetime’s every night if he can for a good chat. Their relationship is very strong, my daughter understands that her dad needs to go away for work sometimes!

PMSL at all the lawyers on here pointing out that this won't actually enhance OP's employability at all and being ignored in favour of "you go girl!" platitudes.

My mother did similar and it was absolutely fine. It’s a great opportunity and you should seize it. They’ll be with their father who will provide normalcy, it’s not like you intend to leave them to a pack of wolves.

Most men would not be overthinking this in terms of parental 'duty'

perhaps not “duty” but I think many fathers - the majority in fact - would not want to be away for 3 months unless it was something of vital importance.

I haven't RTFT - at all. However, I studied law and did a placement abroad. Financially, you get money and if you go somewhere with a lower cost of living (like I did) then you can actually benefit from the experience from a financial perspective. Your flights, visa costs, insurance etc should all be covered. On top of that, I'm pretty sure you get funding for your kids to fly out and back too. Whether it's worth it depends what you want to do with your degree, if you want to work in an international firm then it'll be a really good insight. Is there any option to do a placement in the UK?

I love how confidently people are staying how awe struck and inspired by this the kids would be.

Have you met a four year old or have any understanding of their needs?

They will not be awe struck, inspired or any other such trite nonsense. They may well be confused, sad, unsettled, any number of things, but they’re highly unlikely to be positively impacted in any way at all by their mum choosing to leave them. That’s literally the limit of how they will understand and perceive this.

Listen to those of us who have been on the receiving end of this, please. Or does that not fit with the nice comfortable narrative that has made this ok and actually a great thing for everyone involved?!

@LovesLaboursLoss how do you actually know it didn't have an impact? DH moved around a lot as a child / teen (presented as unavoidable / job related but in reality just because parents wanted to take up opportunities) and they have no idea how much he was impacted by the many moves. They have no idea he has had counselling to deal with some of the issues. His mum still blithely goes on about how none of it affected him.

I would go for it OP! Sounds like a fabulous opportunity

No, EOW would not change things for me. I truly have never got over the fact that my mother was happy to do this. I was so so upset when she left, I will never forget it. And yes, I’d apply the same judgement to my father if he’d done it.

I would, but then my husband & I are military so that’s just normal for us. You can’t stop having life experiences and working on yourself just because you have kids!

if you want to work in an international firm then it'll be a really good insight

OP has clarified that it's not a work placement, it's three months studying at a university abroad.

What age do posters think is ok to leave your kids for longer than 48 hours? I need to figure out how traumatised my kids are.

My DH works away a lot as part of his job. The DC understand that he has to do it and it is to earn money for us all. They miss him a lot. He misses them. I'd be extremely worried about their bond if they did not miss him, and if he did not miss them and want to be with them.

There is no way that he would go on a 3.5 month holiday, especially when his time with them is already limited by necessary absences.

We have done short holidays while they have stayed with PILS. You can be inquisitive and educated and pursue your own interests without leaving your children for 3.5 months. I'm not sure they'd see it as the cool, positive, character building experience some have suggested.

Take them on holiday with you and experience those lovely moments of learning and development together.

Op
If you do decide to do this, you need a plan B for if you get one month in and realise it’s making you all miserable and you need to come home.
Can you simply join in with a module at your home university or will it be a full term written off and wasted?

I wouldn't do it because my ex would use it as a way of keeping them but I would not judge you for it at all. Fathers go away on deployment, and I think 3.5 months will fly by.

I would absolutely do it. I bet it will be an amazing experience. Sounds like you have a good relationship with their dad and you can trust him. I would probably try to pop back if it wasn't too far but 3 months will fly by.

Except it can benefit a legal career. It’s experience in a different jurisdiction and is great for the CV. If you work in-house for a business for example, experience in European laws is certainly going to be valued for those companies that wish to expand internationally.

I would. As long as there is room for very regular contact (FaceTime, phonecalls etc) and the odd visit during that time.
If you were the father in this situation, I’m sure the answers on here would be different My exH is military, and would go away for anything up to 6 months at a time. No one bats an eyelid at a dad being away from his kids for that long 🤷🏻‍♀️ And it’s not like you’d be doing it just for a jolly - you’re taking steps to try and better yourself and your employment prospects for the future.

I would not do it and nor would my husband. My kids would be so upset if we left them for no good reason, I honestly can't imagine doing that to them.
I would judge any parent who did this (and white I know it's unavoidable for those in the military, I don't think they are especially good parents for choosing to do that to their kids).

I would. I think people saying that it's unfair on the kids are ridiculous. They will be absolutely fine. It's 3 months out of a lifetime. You don't know what opportunities it could bring you. Enjoy!

I think people are getting hung up on the abroad-ness of it.

If you were being posted to another UK city during the week and coming home EOW weekend for a work thing, people would shrug and say "bit of an upheaval for the kids but not the end of the world"

I suspect most people reacting with horror are aghast at the thought of you eating tapas, drinking cocktails and daring to have joy outside of your role as a mother for three whole months.

I think if you can be honest with yourself - admitting it's about an experience for you and not a career opportunity - at still feel comfortable and confident in your decision, then you should go. If you are having to tell yourself it's a 'career advancing decision to appease the guilt - then maybe not.

Go for it! What an opportunity!

But this kind of empty statement annoys me:

I also can't shake off the fact that I would be leaving my 2 girls behind who are my everything

Parents are always throwing these statements around and they are meaningless! You love your kids very much, but if they were "your everything" you wouldn't even consider this.

Firstly, I think you should definitely go for it, although be very selective in your choice of location.
Do you speak any foreign languages? That might help in narrowing it down.
However, I understand, for example, that a lot of university courses in the Netherlands are taught in English. You would not be far away from family, so it would be easy for you to go home for a weekend or for them to come to you.
Secondly, as a budding "lawyer" you should know that 's is not the plural form of daughters. (Neither is 's the plural of stories, babies or sweets).

yeah, i agree with this.My dad worked away for very long stretches ( months) and i found it quite upsetting as a small child. Just my experience.