AIBU to ask how do you manage it all if you work full time and have kids?

[dillydally24]

I have two DC (both under three), work full time in a 50-60 hour a week senior role and have no time for anything. I have a lot of help - a full time nanny and a cleaner who comes twice a week - but our house is often a bit of a tip and I never do anything for myself. My DH helps out, but his work is more demanding than mine, so he doesn't make a huge impact. We also have a dog and a house renovation in the go. If you work full time and have young kids, how on earth do you manage it?! Any tips are gladly received. It is this just the way it is for the next few years while the kids are young...?

You dh needs to really consider hours especially though, even with super high roles, you do not have to get work at 11pm on a Friday and have it done before Monday morning.

I don’t find it difficult at all to believe that there is this culture/expectation in many very senior/city/law type roles. On the whole people don’t command six figure salaries by saying they will get to it next week. Some perhaps, but not many.

The most senior roles require you to prioritise and delegate. It’s all about managing expectations and sometimes it’s ok to say I’ll get back to next week.

‘I don’t find it difficult at all to believe that there is this culture/expectation in many very senior/city/law type roles. On the whole people don’t command six figure salaries by saying they will get to it next week. Some perhaps, but not many.’

my DW does, not by saying she’ll do it next week but by running things so that no-one sends her something late on a Friday night with an expectation that it needs to be tuned around by Monday morning.

Here we go. The pile on of people smug about their own fabulous boundaries and expectation management. Just because you or someone you know manages not to work all weekend and still earn well, is it so much of a stretch to imagine that not all industries are the same and that there are SOME (not all, but some) that do operate this way?

Lol at the stay at home mums who haven’t worked since their early 20s declaring that people in these roles can “just say no”.

i might be generalising…

There are absolutely industries and companies that work crazy hours across international borders/time zones where setting all the personal boundaries you like isn’t going to stop you being left on the scrap heap if you don’t live and breathe the job.

Sounds like hell to me and I’d run a mile from that kind of world but it doesn’t mean I dismiss and don’t believe people who say that’s their reality. And I don’t just see it just as a failure of theirs to set firm boundaries 🙄

‘But OP is not saying anything about her DC's quality of life or that they're unhappy. Presumably, they are perfectly happy.’

how would she or her DH know? I had lunch with a client, senior partner in a city firm, who was telling me and my colleague how her DS was so happy at his school he was asking if he could board there during the week and some weekends. She was delighted as she and her DH both left the house by 6am for work and got back at 8/9pm and often had to work weekends and as she went in about this marvellous school and how independent and mature her DS was ( he was 12) it became apparent to me and colleague that the kid was coming home everyday to the housekeeper and barely seeing his high flying parents. He had a driver to take him to sports or activities after school.
He didn’t sound mature and independent, the more she went on about it the more he sounded lonely and like a boy who decided to go off and make his own version of a family.

What-seemed obvious to us, she clearly had no clue about. There’s no amount of money in the world would have made me swap roles with that client.

I don't know any couples who both have the intense high power jobs, at least not without close by family help.

Most couples I know do work but one of them (and absolutely not always the woman) has a more flexible/ WFH type role.

Could one of you go in house or WFH at least some of the time?

Do you both absolutely love your jobs because it sounds very stressful even with all that help. Only you can decide if it's worth it.

How do you think the senior women in these roles do it? They draw a line because they have to. The OP is managing to do it (bet she didn’t work a strict 9-5 in the office before kids) so why can’t the DH?

It is tough. No doubt.
Others May not leave kind comments but I feel your pain.

dh and I work FT as senior doctors, two dc one of whom has additional needs. We have FT nanny and it is still very tiring and hard to keep up!

i would look to reduce your hours - as your dc get older they will notice more you aren’t there. Even reducing to 40hours would really help.

Hi OP, you may have already answered this but do you have an option to wfh at least one day a week? I work full time but from home and the lack of commute makes a huge difference.

‘Hi OP, you may have already answered this but do you have an option to wfh at least one day a week? I work full time but from home and the lack of commute makes a huge difference.’

this made a huge difference for our household. It makes it feel less like running from pillar to post…

I’ve been reading through for suggestions as I am struggling a bit myself (despite being in a much lower stress role with fewer hours), but this jumped out a me. Seems a little unfair that your DH gets to escape the house at busy times (mornings/ evening) while you are left child-wrangling at home!

I like where you’re going with that! Perhaps twice daily dog walking could be the OP’s exercise!

Lowered my standards. Simple as that 😅I would love a cleaner but I can’t really afford it. Work 45-50 hours a week. Thankfully my partner works from home so he can put washing in/hoover on his lunch break etc. He does really chip in tbh. As long as house is to my new standard of tidy and DS is bathed ever two days (can’t do it daily as his skin gets bad!) I can just about cope. DS is now 2 and has just learnt to put things in the bin so he loves to getting involved when cleaning.. he has a toy hoover and brush too.. 🤣. I just have to make sure he doesn’t put the wrong thing in the bin.. like his bowls and spoons.. 🤦‍♀️ Also batch cooking helps!

From what I've observed in families who have this type of set-up, it's all ok for the early years, but gets too much when the kids get to an age where the homework starts to count. Most nannies are fine with supervising them learning their spellings and a bit of reading etc, but they're not going to be across, for instance, 11 plus preparation or exam prep for selective independent schools.

Honestly the state of my house and the utter chaos my kids create, a cleaner is a total waste of time and money.

I prefer to child wrangle when the alternative is to pick up poo, especially as our dog is huge. 😂

Those who say it's easier when the kids get older.... not necessarily, also the guilt gets worse. Less hours, less money but happier family

My advice is slowly, slowly catchy monkey.

Start small : " DH I have a very important 8:30 on Thursday, you ok to do the nanny handover @ 8 ?" The season is on your side in that he can't really argue that he can't take the dog out first.

If he can't do Thursday morning say " ok I could possibly move it later but then wouldn't get back for 6, can you do that?"

If it's still a no then " ok you tell me which of the 10 handovers next week you can do"

The next week on Sunday just say breezily with pen in hand " remind me which days your getting back on time"

My kids are older than yours (10&8) and it was tough as hell in the early days - I found the mental load much much harder.

Now they're in the "golden years", I find it much easier to balance but, like you, we have an amazing helper who deals with school runs, after school activities, cleaning, dog walking (when needed), babysitting, house sitting, errand running and homework (to a certain extent).

I'm very lucky that work, school, home are all very local (live on a small island), so don't have the challenges of long commutes. I travel for business occasionally and it's no longer a juggle with kids being much more independent.

Personally, I found that the older the children are, the less mental load baggage there has been on me, but I may look to scale back in the next few years so I can be around more as they hit high school.

It is nigh on impossible to reach an acceptable work/life balance when working in a FT stressful role. The only thing I found was to throw money at it, and of course that's not an option for many.

I'm very strict about the time I spend working for the most part. I'm in my office at 7.30am straight after school drop off, and I work through lunch most days. I usually head home around 4-4.30pm and start dinner, but will generally jump back online after that or after the kids have gone to bed.

I work 50 hrs, DH more.

We have a nanny/housekeeper and a cleaner. For us the housekeeping is key, those are the bits that make the big different and mean that evenings and weekends are not spent trying to catch up.

Housekeeping, for us, means:

• changing beds
• washing, ironing, putting away clothes
• shopping
• post office trips
• buying and wrapping gifts
• prepping school bags for next day
• cleaning messy rooms
• cleaning fridge
• polishing shoes

On holiday weeks where she is more nanny than housekeeper it's noticeable.

DH now does more than he used to. He commits to one drop off a week, usually does one pick and gets the kids ready in the morning (he switched to a later train and this has had a huge impact on mornings which were a struggle for us)

He also gets home twice a week in time for bedtime.

My situation was very similar to yours OP except I have now taken a less senior role so my hours aren’t quite as long. I am a little sad about it but something had to give and as the lesser earner it was my career rather than DH’s. Also after the children came along my priorities changed and I just didn’t care as much about work and wanted more time with them whilst they’re young. I am of course very lucky to have the option financially. I plan to coast for a few years then hoping I can ramp up again once DC are all in school.

However it sounds like you want to persevere. I agree with outsourcing absolutely everything you can. Have you considered a meal service so you don’t spend time cooking and food shopping during the week? If you don’t want to change your cleaner you could get another person in for a few hours a week to do laundry and ironing. You need a gardener, a virtual PA, you can use an organising service to sort out your home storage/declutter, use task rabbit or similar to get someone to go to the post office for you and other little admin jobs like that.

Also not sure why the dog needs walking in the morning if it’s going to daycare? Our service picks the dog up in the morning and keeps him busy all day before dropping him home at 5ish. He’s really tired then until 9 when we do a 20-30 min evening walk/jog which I use as my exercise and unwind time, listen to audio books etc.

Oh and DEFINITELY don't worry about outsourcing more. And please get the whole "princess" thing out of your head.

It's a win win situation - you get to pay others for work they're performing, as well as free up your headspace to dedicate it where it really matters.

There should be no shame in having a large part of your identify wrapped up in your career, it's what you've worked your lady balls off for, it's what you've striven for, for many a year. Don't diminish your success by adding shame because you can't do more "home"'stuff yourself.

Outsource outsource outsource, until the only things you need to think about is your work and spending time with your children. Your kids don't care who buys their clothes!

I work 38.5 hours a week but shift work.

My husband took up a lot of the work parenting when I wasn't home. We also delegated to family members and friends.

In OPs case I think either she or her DH need to reduce their working hours. 50/wk is way too much. Something has to give.