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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DP Night away?

84 replies

mumof2littlemonkeysx · 15/06/2022 13:15

Little back ground for you, I have an 8 week old baby who is very unsettled he has silent reflux and CMPA he's generally just a very unhappy wee soul. he's also just had his tongue tie cut. Im struggling... a lot some days I think to myself how am I ever going to cope another day:( the only thing that's getting me through it is the fact my first born was exactly the same and he did eventually grow out of it. Anyways more to the point of the post my partner has told me he's thinking about going camping with his boss and work mates on Saturday leaving late morning coming back tea time Sunday am i wrong to think this is maybe alittle selfish giving he knows how much I'm struggling? Or am I being selfish ? Sometimes I do think I need to accept that he needs a life outside our relationship and being a dad... but I can't help but feel so angry at him ? My 2 year old also gets up in the middle of the night for 2 + hours I have no idea how I'm going to cope

OP posts:

MoodyTwo · 15/06/2022 13:30

I would ask him to stay to be honest, having a 8 week old myself.

However he needs to be able to do things (and so do you) and there is always something with babies, do you have anyone who could stay over to help you out, so he can go?

Is baby breastfed so you could go out next weekend?

Ducksinthebath · 15/06/2022 13:33

a lot some days I think to myself how am I ever going to cope another day

It doesn't matter what anyone on the internet thinks. All that matters is how your partner reacts when you explain to him why you think his going is a bad idea. If you're old enough to have two children together, you're old enough to have a conversation about the level of support you need.

Maybe to him it looks like you're coping admirably and he thinks you're doing fantastically well. Or maybe sees you're struggling and doesn't give a toss. You've said you think to yourself but not that you actually vocalise what you're feeling. Why feel so angry until you've actually discussed how you're feeling and seen how he reacts? You just suffer more, perhaps needlessly.

purpleboy · 15/06/2022 13:41

Does he know how you feel? How you are coping?

Will you also get the same break?

He sounds quite selfish, I can't imagine doing this.

everythingelseisafacade · 15/06/2022 13:51

Honestly? YABU? I'm surprised how many mothers seem to be unable to parent on their own these days - it's 1 night not 1 week and this isn't your first child

MolliciousIntent · 15/06/2022 13:51

It's only a bit over 24hrs so I reckon you'd cope fine, but I can see why you wouldn't want him to go.

However, seeing as it's a thing with his boss and colleagues, I can see why he'd feel the need to go - even if it isn't work related exactly, these sorts of extra-curricular social things can be vital in networking and establishing relationships, so if you can I'd be sucking it up for one night.

Are you breastfeeding? Why is your 2yr old awake for so long at night?

Snoken · 15/06/2022 14:16

Can the 2 year old stay with a grandparent or something, so you at least only have one child to look after?

rocksonrocks · 15/06/2022 14:24

everythingelseisafacade · 15/06/2022 13:51

Honestly? YABU? I'm surprised how many mothers seem to be unable to parent on their own these days - it's 1 night not 1 week and this isn't your first child

I don't think asking for support in the throes of newborn/2 under 2 life (from, y'know, the other parent) equates to being "unable to parent". Are you this nasty in real life?

Original poster

mumof2littlemonkeysx · 15/06/2022 14:35

@everythingelseisafacade I'm speechless

OP posts:

Original poster

mumof2littlemonkeysx · 15/06/2022 14:39

Thank you for all your replies. No we don't have anyone who can watch either one of them my parents aren't in the picture and partners parents have said they won't babysit unless for a special occasion (birthdays or anniversary). I will speak to my partner when he's home maybe see if he can come home on the Sunday morning instead. Thank you for your kind helpful replies!

OP posts:

Hugasauras · 15/06/2022 14:40

YANBU. It's still early and you need his support. Presumably you aren't getting the luxury of a night away with your pals while he looks after both of them? He has plenty of life ahead of him to go camping with his friends.

balalake · 15/06/2022 14:41

Depending on where the camping is, likely to get drenched if it's this Saturday evening.

I think DP should not go in any case.

GreenIsle · 15/06/2022 14:41

I don't feel this is fair for him to go however I would put to him that if he is going that he should take both children overnight the night before he goes to give you a break also. Or the night when's he back but I feel he could then make an excuse

girlmom21 · 15/06/2022 14:42

YANBU. You're 2 months in with a baby and a toddler. That's tough! Ask him not to go.

Franca123 · 15/06/2022 14:42

I had an under 2 who slept reliably and an 8 week old who fed and settled fine. No way did my partner go away on a jolly. Its only now, a year later, that we've both started doing weekends away. Our oldest is three and can happily stay at his granny's and everything generally is manageable. You're in the thick of it now despite how other people might describe it as just 'parenting'.

ZigZagZen · 15/06/2022 14:45

How about he goes but the following weekend you go away for the night? To a friend's or spa hotel or something. Or a day out at least, if you're not comfortable with leaving baby overnight yet.

Goldencarp · 15/06/2022 15:04

everythingelseisafacade · 15/06/2022 13:51

Honestly? YABU? I'm surprised how many mothers seem to be unable to parent on their own these days - it's 1 night not 1 week and this isn't your first child

This!

Original poster

mumof2littlemonkeysx · 15/06/2022 16:27

@Goldencarp clearly You've never had a baby who cries in pain all day with a toddler who has autism! Along with suffering anxiety and PND surviving on 3 hours broken sleep!!

OP posts:

Ponderingwindow · 15/06/2022 16:30

I don’t know why your partner would want to leave behind a baby that young. Even without an additional child for you to care for, it’s just way too young.

Triffid1 · 15/06/2022 16:30

Honestly, I was the same as you. I knew it wasn't really fair but I was barely hanging on by a thread a lot of the time and as a result, losing that little bit of support for a night would probably have pushed me over completely.

Luckily, DH understood and while I think he would have liked a bit more "freedom", he knew I wasn't just being mean and selfish but that I literally could not cope. There will always be posters on this thread who will tell you they did it all alone from day 1 etc, but their experience is not yours. My mum did it alone.... she was the first one to turn up to help when DS was small because she remembered how hard it was.

Of course, what is vaguely amusing is that the DC are now fine and I have to constantly remind him that it's okay - if he goes out for a night or whatever, I won't fall apart any more! I think he's (finally) getting the message!

Littlebirdyouaresosweet · 15/06/2022 16:32

I agree with the pp who got slated!
Next trip he plans could be teething woes, potty troubles, any mega list of dc related struggles.... Make sure you get time to yourself doing whatever gives you some relaxing time op. Having freedom to leave the home for a while isn't just a male entitlement..

Goldencarp · 15/06/2022 16:46

mumof2littlemonkeysx · 15/06/2022 16:27

@Goldencarp clearly You've never had a baby who cries in pain all day with a toddler who has autism! Along with suffering anxiety and PND surviving on 3 hours broken sleep!!

No at the time my youngest was born I had a 6 year old with severe autism, a 1 year old and a colicky newborn baby surviving on 3 hours sleep.

Babies and kids are hard work but in this situation it’s just one night.

Original poster

mumof2littlemonkeysx · 15/06/2022 16:54

@Goldencarp It's not just 1 night it's 2 days 1 night leaving Saturday morning not back till the evening on the Sunday, just because you would cope okay doesn't make me a bad mother for admitting I will struggle. I would never stop my partner doing anything, he is in fact going and that's okay but I will struggle and that doesn't mean I can't parent my kids as I think the previous poster was suggesting?

OP posts:

Merryoldgoat · 15/06/2022 16:59

Why is your baby crying in pain all day? Are they unwell?

Original poster

mumof2littlemonkeysx · 15/06/2022 17:01

Merryoldgoat · 15/06/2022 16:59

Why is your baby crying in pain all day? Are they unwell?

@Merryoldgoat he has reflux and is on omeprazole he's also got CMPA but nothing seems to making an improvement as of yet

OP posts:

Merryoldgoat · 15/06/2022 17:40

Poor little bean - mine had reflux caused by a lactose intolerance rather than CMPA. Some days we both had to change clothes 5/6 times.

I had a CS so was still a bit sore at 8 weeks PP and had an autistic 5 yo and grumpy newborn so I genuinely understand how overwhelming it is.

I would’ve been happy for him to go on the trip you describe if I’d get some proper rest the other side and everyone was in good health.

But in the situation you describe YANBU to ask him to stay.

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