Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

‘Telling off’ from a teacher?

111 replies

Thistledew · 14/06/2022 21:42

DS is in year 1.
Summer born so not yet 6yrs old. He is being investigated for potential ADHD.

He was the last one out of the classroom and then had to go back in because he had forgotten his water bottle. His teacher stopped him as he was finally coming out and told him that if he had been paying more attention and not messing around then he could have been out of the classroom much earlier.

Would you think the teacher was being unfair and could have approached the situation in a way to better help DS learn?

OP posts:
saraclara · 14/06/2022 22:52

I think it's just case of protective grandparent.

Parents are used to the school environment and the relationship between their child and the teacher/the teacher's tone and mannerisms. A Grandparent picking up irregularly is less so, and especially if the GC has some additional issues that they're concerned about, may be prone to being more sensitive and over-protective of them.

essexmummy321 · 14/06/2022 22:54

I think teacher was being unreasonable, 6 year olds can't concentrate for too long at the best of times and a 6 year old with adhd even less so, surely she could have had a minute at the end of the day to get their attention and tell them to put their water bottles in their bag.

saraclara · 14/06/2022 22:54

She is a woman who appears quite stern in her demeanour, but I have observed her displaying almost super human levels of calm

This is the sort of thing I'm referring to. You've seen that side of the teacher, and you're confident in her. GM hasn't, so she's over-thinking what happened.

Luredbyapomegranate · 14/06/2022 22:56

I think I would get your DH to politely tell your MIL to back off.

Whether you move him or not is a decision for you and your partner going forward.

If she is bored she can go to some charity work or get a PT job.

ForestFae · 14/06/2022 22:56

LillyDeValley · 14/06/2022 22:10

OP I've just seen your update. If you are fine with the situation then that's all that matters, but just to warn you I was the undiagnosed neurodiverse child and those comments such as "you just need to check your work", "if you didn't rush so much you would", "if you looked where you are going you wouldn't bang into things" have stayed with me. So while your MIL may have issues I stick by my point that if your child has additional needs then that should be reflected in how he has managed. If your child has ADHD he will almost have certainly have issues with concentration and memory and being told not to mess round will not change that, but may impact on his self-esteem.

I was going to say similar. Everyone saying it’s a non issue, those of us with adhd hear this all day long for years and it really knocks your confidence. I wouldn’t be happy with it tbh.

SherbertLemonDrop · 14/06/2022 23:11

Singling out difficulties of a child's disability and making them feel bad for that is unreasonable. A child with ADHD will have trouble concentrating / remembering / listening to and following instructions. You will find you get this a lot OP.

SherbertLemonDrop · 14/06/2022 23:12

Yanbu.

Onceuponatimethen · 14/06/2022 23:27

As someone with ADHD and a child with ADHD the voting on this thread makes me really sad.

If it was as easy for me and DS to be organised to remember not to mess around then ADHD would not be a disability and so much effort wouldn’t have been put into inventing medication regimes.

i can’t choose not to have ADHD and display symptoms like this and nor can ds. It’s well established that comments like this really knock confidence. My child’s psych at assessment noted the damage already done in his case. He has internalised shame.

ForestFae · 14/06/2022 23:29

Onceuponatimethen · 14/06/2022 23:27

As someone with ADHD and a child with ADHD the voting on this thread makes me really sad.

If it was as easy for me and DS to be organised to remember not to mess around then ADHD would not be a disability and so much effort wouldn’t have been put into inventing medication regimes.

i can’t choose not to have ADHD and display symptoms like this and nor can ds. It’s well established that comments like this really knock confidence. My child’s psych at assessment noted the damage already done in his case. He has internalised shame.

yep, I’m an adhder with 3 adhd kids and the comments and votes here bother me as well.

Onceuponatimethen · 14/06/2022 23:29

@LillyDeValley exactly the damage is done by these little micro aggressions which are basically albeist.

People who are ND have higher suicide risk and self esteem is really critical.

Onceuponatimethen · 14/06/2022 23:30

@ForestFae i really feel for children with ADHD where no adult has it. My dc have me to advocate for them.

Onceuponatimethen · 14/06/2022 23:30

@ForestFae I meant in families where no adult has it. Must be awful not to be understood and have your parents actually agreeing it’s your own fault.

springisaroundthecorner · 14/06/2022 23:30

My DS is 15 and has just left school. He has ADHD and they are constantly being reminded by teachers. Let the teachers do their job

ForestFae · 14/06/2022 23:31

Onceuponatimethen · 14/06/2022 23:30

@ForestFae i really feel for children with ADHD where no adult has it. My dc have me to advocate for them.

Yes me too. Both me and DH have ADHD, (and I have dyspraxia too), my dad does also and my mum is autistic. I hope it’s enough to protect them from how hostile everyone else is to ND people.

Onceuponatimethen · 14/06/2022 23:33

@ForestFae your Family sounds quite like mine! I tell my dc often that it’sbrilliant just to be who we are

Etinoxaurus · 14/06/2022 23:36

Yep. Mil has an agenda. Be very careful what she says around ds

ForestFae · 14/06/2022 23:36

Onceuponatimethen · 14/06/2022 23:33

@ForestFae your Family sounds quite like mine! I tell my dc often that it’sbrilliant just to be who we are

Me too. My DC all know we are ND and that being ND isnt bad it’s just different, but that people sometimes don’t understand us. DS1 had a horrible experience at mainstream school, I pulled him out but he still sometimes asks me “why didn’t they like me?” YEARS later. It was 3 years ago! Stuff like this, over and over again, really disproportionately targets ND people and it’s so unfair. NTs don’t see it and don’t get it.

dustandroses · 14/06/2022 23:48

Oh I get it @Thistledew from your MIL point of view your DS did not mess about on purpose, he struggles to concentrate with ADHD and will probably often forget stuff. And in her view doesn’t need to be told he wasn’t listening and mucking around. Maybe your MIL thought the teacher was being unduly critical.

A child with ADHD does not constantly need to be berated and reminded how poor their concentration or organisation is, it does nothing for their confidence and self esteem.

However if you know the teacher and trust that she knows the difference between him actually mucking around and just being forgetful then I wouldn’t be concerned. ADHD doesn’t negate the need for discipline and boundaries.

SurfBox · 15/06/2022 00:05

I think that MiL lacks a sense of proportion and/or has a not too subtle campaign to try to get us to send DS to a private school that is nearer where she lives so that she has to be the one to pick him up each day

but if you think this then why even consider mil's view over a non issue?

Chances are your son will have a new teacher anyways after a month so really that makes it even less of an issue for you. Sorry op, I used to teach for years and seriously it was people like your mil was 1 of the big reasons I left in the end; simply because they wouldn't fuck off and allow me to do my job.

cansu · 15/06/2022 00:09

You are being very precious and utterly ridiculous. Unfortunately, when your ds is at school the teacher will be the one to tell him what he needs to do. Yes, he probably was faffing around and not doing what he should do. Yes, it is common and yes he will be told about it. How is this any different to a parent telling their kid to stop messing around and get their shoes and coat on? You are going to really struggle with school life.

SurfBox · 15/06/2022 00:09

She has 30 six year olds all day & so does have to be firm otherwise they would all be messing her around

you aren't allowed to be firm these days, it's build relationships etc. Ofcourse the people who tell you this are those who left the classroom themselves or never taught a day in their lives...

Shinyballs · 15/06/2022 00:15

I'm going against the grain here. Was he actually messing around or is he struggling with his executive function and memory? My daughter was always the last one out because it took her ages to pack her bag and remember all her stuff. She would likely have to go back to get a water bottle as well. If the teacher is presuming he was messing about, that is an unfair assumption, particularly for a child that may need help with organisation and memory.

If he was 'messing about' then yeah, this will slow him down even more.

SurfBox · 15/06/2022 00:16

You can't blame everything on 'ADHD

schools and parents often do this to shield the worst offenders. I don't mean to sound harsh or offend anybody but I used to often have kids misbehave, slt would tell us ''he's getting tested for adhd, he's got x,y or z''

And yet I'd observe the kid in other lessons with a different cohort of kids or a firmer member of staff and they'd be fine. Kids generally know right from wrong regardless of homelife,adhd etc.

To keep teaching them otherwise is helping nobody in the long run-especially the child.

LooksLikeImStuckHere · 15/06/2022 00:23

I think it was a standard kind of remark that teachers make, intending to be helpful. But I don’t think that your MIL is unreasonable for thinking that it is unsupportive.

’If you had been paying attention…’ is the key phrase. It’s not that he won’t pay attention, it’s that he can’t whilst he is processing all the other things at the end of the day. Comments like this, whilst well intentioned, are extremely unhelpful for students with ADHD.

I say this as a SENCO. If I’d heard one of my teachers saying this, I wouldn’t tell them off but I would ask them to perhaps be mindful of what they say. I’d also ask them to provide something that would help your DS to remember what he needs to take at the end of the day - a visual reminder. This will help reduce the need to listen to verbal instructions and increase independence.

Onceuponatimethen · 15/06/2022 00:24

The posts on here are hilarious. How about we leave a discussion of what is and isn’t down to Adhd to the experts? Neurologists, psychs and paeds. My child’s report says it’s vital he isn’t shamed for his adhd. Not complex. That includes disorganisation and distraction.

There is a reason for the higher suicidal ideation among NT children and young adults.