‘Telling off’ from a teacher?

[Thistledew]

DS is in year 1.
Summer born so not yet 6yrs old. He is being investigated for potential ADHD.

He was the last one out of the classroom and then had to go back in because he had forgotten his water bottle. His teacher stopped him as he was finally coming out and told him that if he had been paying more attention and not messing around then he could have been out of the classroom much earlier.

Would you think the teacher was being unfair and could have approached the situation in a way to better help DS learn?

This doesn't really seem like a telling off. Were you unhappy that he was last or about what she said to him?

That's really not a telling off, she's just pointing out how he can help himself.

I say it all the time to the cubs in my cub pack - if they messed around less, we'd get more done, if they concentrated on what they were being told, they'd have more time to play games etc. I don't really consider that I'm telling them off, just pointing out that their actions have consequences.

Wow, you have got a long 12 years ahead of you!

Well does he ever annoy you? She has 30 six year olds all day & so does have to be firm otherwise they would all be messing her around.

Is this a joke?
It sounds to me like the teacher was doing her job…teaching your son that sensible behaviour is rewarded…in this case with being able to leave school on time!

This is a non issue. Don’t make it into something it’s not.

Ok, confession time. I have no problem with what the teacher said or did. DS wasn’t upset. She was, in my view, observational in her comments rather than critical. She is a woman who appears quite stern in her demeanour, but I have observed her displaying almost super human levels of calm when dealing with a couple of DS’s classmates who were at the time being deliberately defiant and rude. I know that DS struggles with attention and organisation, rather than being wilfully problematic, but I’m more of the view that this just means that he has, with appropriate support, to just work harder at being organised and attentive.

I posted my question in a deliberately neutral way because this exchange was observed and relayed to DH by my MiL who thought that the teacher was not “acting with care” and wondered if DH was happy with the way she treats DS.

I think that MiL lacks a sense of proportion and/or has a not too subtle campaign to try to get us to send DS to a private school that is nearer where she lives so that she has to be the one to pick him up each day. But I’m trying to give her the benefit of the doubt and wanted to make sure I wasn’t being unduly harsh on DS myself.

Yabu. She did tell him in a way that would help him learn.

You need to get a grip I'm afraid op, that was a perfectly acceptable approach from the teacher, not sure of the relevance on being a summer born, I would also say the same to a dc younger than your dc.

That's not a telling off. It's stating the obvious. I always send children out in order of which individuals or groups/tables have followed my instructions/got themselves ready first. It speeds up the process. I will also point out to the slow coaches how they could avoid being last out next time... because some children need it pointing out

OP I think you have been given a bit of a hard time here. When you are going through the process of having your child assessed for additional needs it is utterly emotionally draining. You feel like you and your child are under the microscope. One doctor said to me (who had been through the process himself), "you are on high alert the entire time". You are looking for signs and you are massively protective of your child, because you are constantly completing forms and being questioned by professionals.

There are some amazing teachers who are brilliant with children with additional needs. There are some who are rubbish. One of the conditions my child has is dyslexia, didn't stop his teacher every week telling him he just needed to "practice his spellings a bit more". The poor child practised every evening and would often get full marks, but being dyslexic unfortunately means on the day that might not happen. I had to get the SENCO involved, because my child was becoming really anxious about weekly spelling tests.

Does the school have a plan for your child (an IEP at least)? These should be based on need and not diagnosis. I think you would be happier if you went in and discussed the situation and worked with them about who was going to be told and what the plan was for helping your child remind things and any other issues. So I wouldn't complain about this issue, but I would be asking for a meeting with the SENCO and class teacher to discuss your child.

Irrespective of any diagnosis, children can be misbehaved and need to be told off sometime, my child is no different, but what you want to be reassured about is that because they have been naughty/messing around and not because of his neurodiversity which he can't help.

You may find posting on the SN chatboards more helpful in future.

What are you on about? The teacher was right, and the learning point for your DS is that messing about has consequences. The ADHD investigation is irrelevant.

Obviously wrote my reply before I seen your update 😁

That’s not a telling off, it’s an observation, surely?

Sorry, cross posted with your update.

OP I've just seen your update. If you are fine with the situation then that's all that matters, but just to warn you I was the undiagnosed neurodiverse child and those comments such as "you just need to check your work", "if you didn't rush so much you would", "if you looked where you are going you wouldn't bang into things" have stayed with me. So while your MIL may have issues I stick by my point that if your child has additional needs then that should be reflected in how he has managed. If your child has ADHD he will almost have certainly have issues with concentration and memory and being told not to mess round will not change that, but may impact on his self-esteem.

Thank you. I do appreciate your comments. They are helpful and important to remember. DS does have issues that are holding him back, but he is also bright and very wilful. Getting the balance right of accommodating his additional needs, but also not letting him get away with taking the easy route is a difficult one. I know I don’t always get it right and neither will the school, but I think they are trying their best to support him appropriately.

Your kid was messing around. She was explaining that if he hadn't have been messing around then he'd have been able to leave earlier. What's wrong with that? Perhaps you should have taught your kid to behave and then he wouldn't have needed to be 'told off'. You can't blame everything on 'ADHD' 🙄.

I suspect parental preciousness - I'd just let the teacher get on with it and stay out of it.

That’s not really a telling off is it?

Having read the update, nothing's changed from what I would have written anyway.

The MIL wasn't in the room, so didn't see what went on. She was fortunate that the teacher said what she she said in front of them so they can see it's an issue.

@Thistledew shove her back in her box & next time, tell her to stop shit stirring. You & DH are happy with the school and do not intend to move schools. Be clear & firm.

Honestly. You are being precious about this? The teacher is correct she is teaching him to organise too

OP you seem to have a very sensible and balanced approach to this. Sounds like you and the school are working together to support your son.

She didn't tell him off. People with ADHD still need boundaries. If the drip feed is true and not just because the thread wasn't going the way you planned, its up to you and DH

He was probably messing around, you can't wrap him in cotton wool because he has ADHD if he's been messing he's been messing and been told off, you do your job let the teacher do theirs.