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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to carry on seeing this guy?

108 replies

Heelsoverhead · 14/06/2022 16:51

I've been seeing someone for 4 months now. Not long but it's all gone really fast and we've even talked about moving in together soon. We've met each others families and we get on so well.

We live about a 2 hour drive apart but he's been staying with me nearly every weekend since we met I spent a week off work at his place. We speak on FaceTime most evenings.

He was a little dishonest with me when we first met, he didn't tell me initially that he had a baby., he was honest with me about this once he realised how into each other we were and that things were serious. His dd is 5 months old now but his ex won't let him see the baby. He broke up with her before the baby arrived because he just wasn't in love with her anymore and she was controlling and she's still bitter about it. She lets him see the baby then changes her mind. She sounds like a complete psycho.

Now his ex has actually found me on social media, she's sent me a message telling me that he's still been sleeping with her regularly, that he claims he still loves her and is having unprotected sex with her. She says he's been messing her around and now she's supposed to have found out about me.

I don't know what to believe but my boyfriend said she's a complete liar and that she tries to blackmail him into staying overnight with her to see his dd, he's stayed on her sofa and nothing happened.

I really do love him, he's such a lovely guy he'd do anything for me. I've been looking at transferring my job to his town to move in together.

OP posts:
BeltnBraces · 14/06/2022 18:16

It must be the early Troll Season or has the section of humanity that frequents MN lost all its wits, morality and basic decency.😬

Unanananana · 14/06/2022 18:17

Heelsoverhead · 14/06/2022 18:13

He doesn't give the money to her because she spends it on getting her nails done, clothes for herself and besides he's hardly been allowed to see the baby anyway, but he puts money into an account for when his daughter is older.

I cannot believe that you actually believe this tripe.

CanofCant · 14/06/2022 18:18

If this is real, it's an embarrassing read. It's like you've written every red flag cliché in the book!

If you believe him then go for it OP but don't say you haven't been warned. You're walking into this.

If he was really a good dad he'd fight tooth and nail in court. It's more likely that he is still having sex with his ex and messing her about.

If you don't want to break if off with him then don't but at least keep yourself financially and emotionally safe and don't rush into anything. Think objectively about everything he tells you.

CanofCant · 14/06/2022 18:18

Unanananana · 14/06/2022 18:17

I cannot believe that you actually believe this tripe.

Show quote history

I know, it's fucking gross.

EatYourVegetables · 14/06/2022 18:19

This is so full of clichés it has to be a wind up?

ImpartialMongoose · 14/06/2022 18:19

I would be highly suspicious of any man who convinces you his ex is a psycho. Sounds very much like Gaslighter-speak to me.

Original poster
Heelsoverhead · 14/06/2022 18:19

He's tried so hard to be nice and win her round to be friends and be civilised parents, but it's not working anyway. She uses the baby as a weapon then cuts him off when he won't get back with her. So I think this is why he's just giving up and saying he won't speak to her.

I know people will say that this is what he's told me but I only have that to go on and I realise it all sounds pretty far fetched but I only know what I see of him, his family don't appear to think much of her.

OP posts:
CPL593H · 14/06/2022 18:20

Heelsoverhead · 14/06/2022 18:13

He doesn't give the money to her because she spends it on getting her nails done, clothes for herself and besides he's hardly been allowed to see the baby anyway, but he puts money into an account for when his daughter is older.

Babes aren't pay per view. If he thinks his daughter is being neglected, then even more reason to go to court. Why wouldn't he, especially as he's (apparently, allegedly) innocent of the violence he's being accused of?

unicornsarereal72 · 14/06/2022 18:21

What a prince he is. Yes you keep him so no one else has to listen to his absolute shit.

A good parent. Will see their children. Go to court to see their children. Provide for them financially. And practically. Clothes nappies etc. If the ex gets her nails done I'm sure that she has her own money for such purchases. He would also work with the child's mother to the best of his ability to support her as the child's other parent

He is feeding you line after line.

If it looks like a duck and sounds like a duck. Guess what it's a duck.

Merryoldgoat · 14/06/2022 18:21

@Unanananana

But it’ll be different when it’s their baaaaaaabyyyyyy

🙄

My sisters lowlife bastard ex told his OW my sister would let him go, wasted his money, was violent etc.

They we’re trying for a baby during that time and he had a gambling problem

HoldMeCloseImTryingToDanceHere · 14/06/2022 18:21

Is he paying towards the baby’s upbringing? Or does he not because she spends it all on having her nails done?
These crazy exes always spend maintenance money on going out and getting their hair and nails done.

As everyone others have said. Move on!

KettrickenSmiled · 14/06/2022 18:21

He would like to go to court but she'll just lie about him, say he's violent. From what he says but I could understand not wanting to drag it through a court to be questioned about that kind of stuff.

Yes, much better to give up at the first hurdle, as any GREAT DAD would do.

Even if it's true that she invents stories of non-existent violence, if she has no proof there's fuck-all she can do about it.
Even if it was true that he DID beat her - if he had a conviction for domestic violence - the courts would not prevent him from seeing his child. See any DV thread about that thorny subject here.

He is bullshitting you, & you are so desperate for a man that you're contemplating moving 2 hours away to live in a bedsit with a man who started an affair with you when his baby was one month old.

Have some self-respect, & ditch him, his bullshit, & his melodrama.

CanofCant · 14/06/2022 18:21

Jedsnewstar · 14/06/2022 18:04

His dd is 5 months old now but his ex won't let him see the baby. He broke up with her before the baby arrived because he just wasn't in love with her anymore and she was controlling and she's still bitter about it. She lets him see the baby then changes her mind. She sounds like a complete psycho

If you turn to page 2 of the wankers handbook this is written in big letters.

😂

TimeForTeaAndG · 14/06/2022 18:22

Nvm the ex and the baby....you'd seriously consider moving 2 hours away to shack up in someone else's house?!

He. Is. Lying. All of it. A friend of ours is going through family court...the ex was still getting contact despite being actually physically violent to her so no way is he not going to get contact.

Step away from this shit show of a man and raise your standards.

RealBecca · 14/06/2022 18:23

OMFG cop the fuck o OP.

Para 3 is the text book from the abusers handbook..feel sorry for me! I'm a GOOD GUY.

She got pregnant on purpose to trap him she told him she was taking contraceptives. Her family sound awful he dad attacked boyfriend once because she told her dad he'd hit her. She's actually hit him rather than him hitting her. I honestly think he just wants to be a good dad to his baby and she won't let him.

^^
He said She got pregnant on purpose to trap him she told him she was taking contraceptives. He said Her family sound awful he dad attacked boyfriend once because she told her dad he'd hit her. He said She's actually hit him rather than him hitting her.

I honestly think he just wants to be a good dad to his baby and she won't let him. <-- he dumped her 1 month before the baby was born and started seeing 1 month later.

He wants a backup home to cocklodge in.

Check Claire's law.

Walk away.

TimeForTeaAndG · 14/06/2022 18:24

Heelsoverhead · 14/06/2022 18:19

He's tried so hard to be nice and win her round to be friends and be civilised parents, but it's not working anyway. She uses the baby as a weapon then cuts him off when he won't get back with her. So I think this is why he's just giving up and saying he won't speak to her.

I know people will say that this is what he's told me but I only have that to go on and I realise it all sounds pretty far fetched but I only know what I see of him, his family don't appear to think much of her.

So keep seeing him then. Come back and let us know how great it's going in another year or two.

CanofCant · 14/06/2022 18:24

Heelsoverhead · 14/06/2022 18:19

He's tried so hard to be nice and win her round to be friends and be civilised parents, but it's not working anyway. She uses the baby as a weapon then cuts him off when he won't get back with her. So I think this is why he's just giving up and saying he won't speak to her.

I know people will say that this is what he's told me but I only have that to go on and I realise it all sounds pretty far fetched but I only know what I see of him, his family don't appear to think much of her.

Oh go for it OP. Ignore everyone telling you their lived experiences and willfully allow yourself to be hurt and fucked over instead.

Have a nice life, I'm so fucking tired of reading this shit on here day after day. I think I should stick to the TV and Christmas boards.

KettrickenSmiled · 14/06/2022 18:26

Heelsoverhead · 14/06/2022 18:13

He doesn't give the money to her because she spends it on getting her nails done, clothes for herself and besides he's hardly been allowed to see the baby anyway, but he puts money into an account for when his daughter is older.

These psycho exes always, ALWAYS, piss the maintenance money away on their nails. This is a major part of The Script cheats & deadbeats use.

Have a fucking word with yourself - you are going along with his narrative that it's up to HIM what she spends, & that he can withhold money from his baby's household in case he disapproves of how it is spent.
Now have another fucking word with yourself - child maintenance IS NOT PAY PER VIEW. He needs to pay it whether he bothers to see his child or not.

This account for when his daughter is older - how much does he put in each month, what has he saved so far, where is the bank book, & will he show it to you? Chinny reckon will he. It's a total fiction.

Merryoldgoat · 14/06/2022 18:27

@CanofCant

I feel the same. All these fucking low expectations, desperate not to be single so any old shit will do.

GrandTheftWalrus · 14/06/2022 18:28

TimeForTeaAndG · 14/06/2022 18:24

So keep seeing him then. Come back and let us know how great it's going in another year or two.

Show quote history

When she has a baby and is messaging the guys new fancy piece.

JustLyra · 14/06/2022 18:28

He would like to go to court but she'll just lie about him, say he's violent. From what he says but I could understand not wanting to drag it through a court to be questioned about that kind of stuff.

so she’s nasty and abusive, from a nasty family, but he’s going to leave his child with her because they might be a bit mean to him in court?

He’s a walking cliche.
Trapped into pregnancy - check
psycho ex - check
Unfairly not allowed to see kid - check
Not paying toward kid - check (and bonus points for “she spends it on nails”)
Not going to court to see kid - check

Just needs a health scare while you’re working out what to do and you’ll have a complete bingo card.

Original poster
Heelsoverhead · 14/06/2022 18:32

I'm so sorry everyone but this is a sort of reverse. I know people will get annoyed but I didn't want to post in third person because I wanted genuine responses.

Its my younger sister who is seeing this piece of shit.

Everything I've said is what he's been spinning her. His ex has even sent my sister screenshots of their conversations and he's convinced my sister that he had to say it all to be able to see the baby. Sister is falling for it all hook line and sinker and the test has even got our parents sucked in.

My sister has got a good career going and money saved for a house deposit and this twats got pound signs in his eyes. Our parents own property and he's even talking to my sister about marriage proposals after a few months. It's like watching a car crash about to happen.

I want to show her these replies to try to get her to see some sense, she's young and naive with no dc it's quite scary.

OP posts:
TanquerayTickles · 14/06/2022 18:33

OP, ask to see the savings account where he's saving all this money for his child? I bet there isn't one. Re getting her nails done, what the diddly squat has this got to do with him? Does having a child mean she can't do that? I would have zero respect for any man that doesn't cough up for his child, nor should you.

Also, you know who's currently paying out everything for this baby don't you...the 'Psycho' ex. You know, the crazy nutjob who's so horrible she trapped him, trapped him into having a baby she doesn't let him see and that he doesn't pay for, that doesn't make much sense does it?

I'm going to assume you're really young because everything this man is saying to you is classic bad man bullshit, he is gaslighting you beyond belief and you WANT to believe him so badly you're refusing to see the red flags.

He may well love you, but everything he's saying about his ex and his child is utter crap. She's probably contacted you to warn you as she found out about you, I'd do the same.

Good luck, by God you're going to need it.

Applespearsandoranges · 14/06/2022 18:35

Interesting he always comes to you… presumably so people who know him can’t tell you in person if this drama is true?
Have you met his family?
your drip feed about him not wanting to go to court doesn’t add up his ex would have to prove he’s been violent/ is. Danger to her she can’t just make it up

Hellodarknessmyoldpal · 14/06/2022 18:35

I hope your sister sees sense soon OP!