Aibu to carry on seeing this guy?

[Heelsoverhead]

I've been seeing someone for 4 months now. Not long but it's all gone really fast and we've even talked about moving in together soon. We've met each others families and we get on so well.

We live about a 2 hour drive apart but he's been staying with me nearly every weekend since we met I spent a week off work at his place. We speak on FaceTime most evenings.

He was a little dishonest with me when we first met, he didn't tell me initially that he had a baby., he was honest with me about this once he realised how into each other we were and that things were serious. His dd is 5 months old now but his ex won't let him see the baby. He broke up with her before the baby arrived because he just wasn't in love with her anymore and she was controlling and she's still bitter about it. She lets him see the baby then changes her mind. She sounds like a complete psycho.

Now his ex has actually found me on social media, she's sent me a message telling me that he's still been sleeping with her regularly, that he claims he still loves her and is having unprotected sex with her. She says he's been messing her around and now she's supposed to have found out about me.

I don't know what to believe but my boyfriend said she's a complete liar and that she tries to blackmail him into staying overnight with her to see his dd, he's stayed on her sofa and nothing happened.

I really do love him, he's such a lovely guy he'd do anything for me. I've been looking at transferring my job to his town to move in together.

I would believe her.

don’t move in with someone after 4 months or move 2 hours away after 4 months. This rule applies even without the baby and ex issues! Just take it slow, if he’s still around and behaving after 1 year then you can reassess moving in. You don’t necessarily have to break up with him, but just wait a sensible time before moving in together - 4 months is no time at all to know someone! Why uproot your life to go live in his room in his cousins flat? This sounds bonkers even if he was the most amazing guy and didn’t have a secret baby! Just chill out, keep dating, keep seeing your own friends, take it slow!

Read your own posts again, you can't be that naïve, he's absolutely giving you the full script.

He sounds like an arsehole. I would bet money on it that he's filling your head with lies.

Regardless if who is lying why would you want this amount of drama in your life. It's only going to get worse.

I don't want to drip feed but she honestly sounds awful.
Says who?

She got pregnant on purpose to trap him she told him she was taking contraceptives.
Is that a fact?

Her family sound awful he dad attacked boyfriend once because she told her dad he'd hit her.
And you know this is true because ..?

She's actually hit him rather than him hitting her.
Uh-huh. This is of course from a completely unbiased source.

I honestly think he just wants to be a good dad to his baby and she won't let him.
Right. A good dad to the baby he walked out on before it was even born?
The baby he lied about even having, when he met you?
The baby he's going through court proceedings to establish a contact schedule with ..? He's told you ALL about how the legal aspect works, because he's such a GOOD DAD, riiiiiight?
The baby he's ... paying maintenance for? Riiiiiiight? - or has he just glossed over that or lied through his teeth like the rest of it?

So far he has sold you the absolute standard version of bullshit peddled by every deadbeat dad looking for his next shag, & possibly a mug to put a roof over his cocklodging head.

You've known him for 4 months, but reckon you're "in love" & are planning on moving in with him - a man who does fuck-all for his child & tells massive pull-the-other-ones about his "psycho" ex.

You are insane, or this is a piss-take.

He's feeding you a load of bullshit and it's not even original bullshit.

Open your eyes. He is not a good guy. I feel for his 'ex' and his child.

I snorted really really loudly at 'She sounds like a complete psycho.'

I'll bet you a kidney she's not. Run, run as fast as you can.

Op where do you stand on the Easter bunny

Oh good god. My twat of an ex is currently seeing a woman who's swallowed his "wronged husband" script, and fuck me it's depressing. I don't have any sympathy for her, because she's known him for years and knows that he's an utter cowardly weasel who can't keep a relationship going to save his life.

It was always the fault of his exes. Granted, one of them has diagnosed NPD and is a whole other world of hell to encounter, but I'm pretty safe in the knowledge that he drove the others "psycho". He's very good at playing the victim.

Sounds like you've landed one of these. It's only a matter of time before you're the psycho ex too.

I would give him a chance OP especially if it’s true that she tried to trap him. Maybe over next couple years it will settle down a bit and he’ll be having some regular contact with his daughter. Sounds like he is an okay guy other than nuts ex

Doesn't it seem a bit off that she's tracked me down on social media? If he's the bad guy then why's she still sleeping with him? If he'd been violent towards her then would she really still be seeing him.

It all sounds like something from a soap opera but I do feel that I know him. I've never met anyone that I get along so well with. I was engaged and with my ex for 3 years but it was nothing like with this guy.

Sounds like you've landed one of these. It's only a matter of time before you're the psycho ex too.

Yup.

If you're for real OP, you'll soon find out what this man really is, when you are 2 hours from your old job, friends, & family, & holed up in a room in his cousin's houseshare.

You'll find out who you are too: the other woman.
Because that psycho ex?
She's not a psycho. And she's not an ex.

You've got two problems - you're being love-bombed, and he's a lying prick.

"His dd is 5 months old now but his ex won't let him see the baby. He broke up with her before the baby arrived because he just wasn't in love with her anymore and she was controlling and she's still bitter about it. She lets him see the baby then changes her mind. She sounds like a complete psycho."

Oh dear. And you believe him? That's rather gullible of you.

Describing your ex as a psycho is a massive red flag. It is a cliché that is often trotted out by an (at best) inadequate man. It almost always turns out that she was normal before she met him. Mostly, she's still normal because her being psycho is a big fat lie. In the rare instances of her behaviour being a bit off, it's because he's fucked with her head so much she barely knows which way is up any more. Remember - he got her pregnant and walked out on her. And all this 'bitter' and 'controlling' is what he's saying to explain away his appalling behaviour.

"Now his ex has actually found me on social media, she's sent me a message telling me that he's still been sleeping with her regularly, that he claims he still loves her and is having unprotected sex with her. She says he's been messing her around and now she's supposed to have found out about me."
That sounds as if she is describing a very likely scenario. Remember, she's just had his baby and is likely vulnerable to his manipulation.

"She got pregnant on purpose to trap him she told him she was taking contraceptives. Her family sound awful he dad attacked boyfriend once because she told her dad he'd hit her. She's actually hit him rather than him hitting her."
Aaaaaaand we're back to what he's told you. All lies. Lies told to support his big lie that she is a psycho. Lies told to make him the goodie, the victim, the poor soul that will be healed by your undying love for him, the wounded hero.

"I honestly think he just wants to be a good dad to his baby and she won't let him."
You're assuming that he wants to be a good dad. Do good dads walk out on the mums before birth? Do good dads partner-up with another woman within a month of the birth? Do good dads call the mum a psycho?

"I've stayed at his place and they are definitely not living together."
I don't see anywhere in your description of her message where she claims they are.

"I get that it all sounds so bad but he's honestly such a lovely guy, we have a laugh, he's been travelling to see me nearly every weekend, we've got so much in common."
I expect she thought he was a lovely guy too. I expect he love-bombed her just as he is currently love-bombing you. I expect it all went really fast and they talked about moving in together soon too.

It sounds bad because it IS bad.

Ah yes, the classic 'my ex is a psycho' line.

Come on, OP, this is textbook stuff.

This is terrible advice. Please ignore this.

Yeah because he is using a standard set of tricks to get his leg over and telling you what you want to hear.

I would put good money on the fact the “psycho” ex didn’t even know she was an ex.

Seriously, wake up. He is playing you like a fiddle.

He's lying to you and lying to the mother of his DC. As for 'trapping' him, he didn't have to have sex with her without a condom.
You've found a prince there OP.

I didn't expect such strong reactions.

I just don't know what to believe but all I know is that he's been spending a lot of time and money travelling to see me nearly every weekend, we spent an amazing week together at his place him showing me around his town, he gets on with my family, he's kind, generous, he messages me throughout the day to let me know he's thinking about me.

He said his ex was insecure about her body and never interested in sex much anyway, I get that he could be just saying all of this,

It's hard to believe he'd go all that if he wasn't serious about me.

Everything you say in this man’s defence makes it more obvious that he’s lying.

He’s gaslighting the hell out of you. His baby - the one he says he is so desperate to be a great dad to - is five months old. You’ve been seeing him four months. WAKE UP. Nobody who wants to be a great dad dumps the mum while she’s pregnant and starts dating someone else a month after the baby’s born.

Even if his child’s mother is ‘a complete psycho’ who ‘got pregnant on purpose’ it is still REALLY BLOODY OBVIOUS that what actually happened was that their sex dwindled while she was pregnant or just after she gave birth and that he decided he’d go elsewhere for it.

If you carry on seeing this man, I'm willing to bet that in a year or two, he will be telling his new girlfriend exactly the same things he's telling you now about his "ex", about you.

^ This 100 times over

Sorry what I meant is that she says they're still sleeping together but he said she never wanted sex anyway and was really insecure about her body. So the two don't add up.

Maybe he is serious about you.
But his 'ex' won't be any of the things he says she is.

we spent an amazing week together at his place

He lives in his cousin’s spare bedroom. It’s not ‘his place’. You’re romanticising everything about this relationship.

She got pregnant on purpose to trap him she told him she was taking contraceptives. Her family sound awful he dad attacked boyfriend once because she told her dad he'd hit her. She's actually hit him rather than him hitting her. I honestly think he just wants to be a good dad to his baby and she won't let him

I'm assuming he's told you all this? A man who had a vested interest in making himself look good and his ex look bad?

The sensible advice would be to leave him, definitely don't transfer your job and instead move on with your life without him. However, I'm guessing you won't do that, which is your decision. But I have a feeling you'll remember all this a few years down the line when he's left you holding a your baby and tells his next girlfriend that you're crazy and tried to trap him by getting pregnant. Unfortunately in these situations what comes around goes around and he's not going to change.