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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I am the other woman

78 replies

ebellani · 14/06/2022 15:53

I already I'm going to get flamed. That's fine.

I am in love with this man, it's all very pathetic. I just can't seem to let go. We don't meet up in person too often anymore but we text everyday, often flirty/sexual. We last slept together about 6 weeks ago.

He has been with his partner for a couple of years.

I have just found out she is 5 months pregnant. Shocked, very upset. I know the biggest victim in all of this is her.

I have never met her, I'm not sure she even knows I exist.

I honestly didn't feel guilty before, but now there's a baby I do. Is it true that the OW doesn't owe anything to the DP/DW of the man?

OP posts:
Vallmo47 · 14/06/2022 15:55

If you have respect for the wife, you walk away without saying anything at all. Just walk away, block him on everything. You’ve made a mistake and now you have the chance to do what’s right.

PaddingtonBearStareAgain · 14/06/2022 15:56

You are knowingly having an affair with a piece of crap that is shagging you behind his pregnant DP.

Well what catches you both are.

BlanketsBanned · 14/06/2022 15:56

You're right its all very pathetic.

Notcoolright · 14/06/2022 15:56

I'm not sure I believe you.

If it is true why would you think so little of yourself you would conduct a sexual and emotional relationship with a man who is having a relationship with someone else and seeing you in secret like you are something to be ashamed of?

Greensleeves · 14/06/2022 15:57

I find the "don't owe the partner anything" framing decidedly odd. To me it's quite simple - you're knowingly doing something really shitty and low to another woman, and you should definitely be ashamed of that. It goes without saying that the bloke you're shagging is an excrescence as well, but you know what you're doing is wrong, and you're doing it anyway. No amount of hand-wringing makes that any better than it is, I'm afraid.

Frida9 · 14/06/2022 15:58

OP you won't get any sympathy. The bloke sounds like a tool and I don't know why you're interested in him at all. What is going on in your life to make you think you deserve to be the other woman? Do you have self esteem issues?

Cut the relationship now, the only people who are victims here are his partner and their child. This man will not leave his partner for you. Move on and find someone who genuinely cares about you.

Original poster
ebellani · 14/06/2022 15:58

Notcoolright · 14/06/2022 15:56

I'm not sure I believe you.

If it is true why would you think so little of yourself you would conduct a sexual and emotional relationship with a man who is having a relationship with someone else and seeing you in secret like you are something to be ashamed of?

Not sure you don't believe what?

OP posts:
Crikeyalmighty · 14/06/2022 15:59

You do owe the guys partner something OP- some manners and decency- so end it all now- personally I hope she finds out and dumps him but in the meantime best if you butt out

Original poster
ebellani · 14/06/2022 16:00

OP you won't get any sympathy

I am completely aware of this. I don't want or expect sympathy.

OP posts:
PollyDarton1 · 14/06/2022 16:00

You have to let it go - how long has it been going on for?

She's pregnant, he's actively chosen presumably to go ahead with the pregnancy and stand by her - he's making his choices perfectly clear and you do not come into the equation other than to be a random bit on the side, as blunt as that sounds.

You need to back out of whatever arrangement you have immediately - nothing is going to end the way you want here.

straightoutofa · 14/06/2022 16:02

Why does the fact of the pregnancy make you guilty when you were not guilty before?

jeaux90 · 14/06/2022 16:02

For your own sake just block him and move on.

You deserve better, the wife deserves better, he deserves his scrotum being slammed in a door.

WallaceinAnderland · 14/06/2022 16:02

You don't owe her anything. You DO owe yourself though. Where is your self respect, why do you want to sit around waiting for crumbs from a person who you know to be a cheat and a liar. How is your bar so low?

DimplesToadfoot · 14/06/2022 16:04

It reads to me that you're asking for permission to continue seeing him and that you're guilt free.

Not a chance, he's a sleezeball and for you to carry it on despite knowing she's pregnant makes you just as bad.

Get some self respect and end it!

PurassicJark · 14/06/2022 16:08

Why do you suddenly give a shit because she's pregnant? Is she worth nothing to you because she is an adult? Only the kids are innocent? She is innocent too, she didn't deserve this. He is the cheater, but you didn't have to be the one helping him.

straightoutofa · 14/06/2022 16:08

Just a heads-up - many years ago when I discovered my husband was cheating when I was pregnant, it resulted in me going into premature labour. Luckily not too premature, so the baby survived.
I now find it quite interesting that the shock of discovering cheating can have profound effects upon the body and most of us are not even aware of these effects beyond recognising the usual feelings of devastation and upset.

Unanananana · 14/06/2022 16:09

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

howdoesatoastermaketoast · 14/06/2022 16:11

Vallmo47 · 14/06/2022 15:55

If you have respect for the wife, you walk away without saying anything at all. Just walk away, block him on everything. You’ve made a mistake and now you have the chance to do what’s right.

yup. FWIW OP you get some sympathy from me. You aren't the only person to have ever fallen in love with the wrong person. And it sucks, this is super horrible for you, I know. It isn't fair at all, none of it is. But the OW ending up hurt and disappointed is in my experience the almost inevitable outcome of such flirtations / relationships (although of course she isn't always the only one).

If the 'best' had happened (from your point of view) and he'd left her for you the relationships are shaky as hell and trust is impossible. At least you can now start the process of getting over him. . She gets this 'prize' of a man God love her. You get to hope for something better in the future.

Block him, eat all the ice cream, drink all the wine, watch all the bad rom-coms. Feel sorry for yourself. But block him and keep him blocked. Get over him, learn from your mistakes and move on.

Blossomtoes · 14/06/2022 16:12

Crikeyalmighty · 14/06/2022 15:59

You do owe the guys partner something OP- some manners and decency- so end it all now- personally I hope she finds out and dumps him but in the meantime best if you butt out

This. Finish it and block him. Be decent even if it’s late in the day.

NoseyNellie · 14/06/2022 16:16

Remind yourself that you’re in love with the image of him that he projected - he’s now revealed the full picture and turns out he’s a hurtful, callous bastard.

Every time he texts ‘hey sexy’ picture him leaning over and giving pregnant wifey a kiss straight after hitting send and seriously think about the duplicity it takes to do that.

consider therapy - one on one, not couples that is 😂

SausageAndCash · 14/06/2022 16:17

I like to think that we all owe the children in our society the best home, health and emotional security we can give them.

I would feel I owe it to the child not to be part of fucking up their family.

ApplesandBunions · 14/06/2022 16:23

If there's one person you definitely owe something to, it's yourself.

He's chosen her, not you. You're the side piece, outranked, low priority. You can do better than a man who cheated on his pregnant wife and will be better off without him.

knittingaddict · 14/06/2022 16:28

ebellani · 14/06/2022 16:00

OP you won't get any sympathy

I am completely aware of this. I don't want or expect sympathy.

Is masochism your fetish?

Is the only reason I can think of for starting this thread.

Laiste · 14/06/2022 16:28

What do you really want from this thread OP?

Help/support to walk away?

Why would you lay yourself open to an online whipping? Is your self esteem very low?

OrangeBagel · 14/06/2022 16:31

I don’t know about his wife being the biggest victim - as far as I can see she’s the only victim.

Like you say, it really is very pathetic and if you had an ounce of self-respect you’d walk away, now.

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