I am the other woman

[ebellani]

I already I'm going to get flamed. That's fine.

I am in love with this man, it's all very pathetic. I just can't seem to let go. We don't meet up in person too often anymore but we text everyday, often flirty/sexual. We last slept together about 6 weeks ago.

He has been with his partner for a couple of years.

I have just found out she is 5 months pregnant. Shocked, very upset. I know the biggest victim in all of this is her.

I have never met her, I'm not sure she even knows I exist.

I honestly didn't feel guilty before, but now there's a baby I do. Is it true that the OW doesn't owe anything to the DP/DW of the man?

They're not married.
They've been together a couple of years.
Your affair has been going on ... 6 months or something?

You've just discovered she's pregnant.

Are you going to walk away?

You don't meet up and last had sex 6 weeks ago? Why do you settle for this non relationship with a deceitful man.

Find someone better, you deserve more then this slime ball.

Thank you for the responses.

I only found out she was pregnant at the weekend. I have not communicated with him since.

We don't meet up as often as we used to, is what I meant.

Oh go away OP, you just want attention and validation for your horrible choices. No doubt hooked on the drama more than anything else.

What do you want from the thread OP?

Genuine Q

This genuinely is not the case.

I am struggling to have a coherent thought.

I think I was looking for a reality check and the slap in the face I need to walk away. I know that it's wrong, but to actually hear it from someone else makes it more real.

You aren’t hearing it though - you’ve created an intentionally inflammatory thread to spend the next few hours refreshing your phone screen to feed off the replies.
You know it’s wrong and you know you won’t get sympathy. You knew all this before you posted.

'I think I was looking for a reality check and the slap in the face I need to walk away.'

I can understand people being taken in by 'my wife doesn't understand me! we haven't had sex for 20yrs!' sob story. Just. But when his wife is 5mths pregnant he is clearly just using you for sex and text thrills. I'm sorry if it's upsetting but really, find someone better.

Yes, I did know all this. Really not sure what point you are making.

How would you know whether I am hearing it or not? It is not intentionally inflammatory, I need help

'It is not intentionally inflammatory, I need help'

Just end it, block his number and find a boyfriend who is single. That's all you need to do tbh.

OP, you can’t really be ‘in love’ with someone you rarely see and only sleep with 6 weeks ago. You can be high on attraction and excitement, hooked into the idea of him, loving the fantasy life, the attention he gives you etc. In-toxication.

And if you do believe yourself to be ‘in love’ you are not in an emotionally safe enough relationship for love to be healthy for you. He is a liar, to you because only now did you find out about the pregnancy, and to his wife. He is a cheat. It is a really serious thing for a man to cheat on a pregnant partner like this.

Not sure what you want from this thread.

Why risk your own happiness to be part of something so horrible?

It taints your every communication with him.

I would just block, delete and move on (to quote Lalalaletmeexplain) - if you really feel so incline, send him a "goodbye, please do not contact me again" message if you feel that he may try and seek you out on social media.

Well, if you're wanting a slap in the face you're certainly going to get it here!

Look, if you genuinely want help you might be better off re-posting, possibly on the Relationships board here, asking for help to explore why you allowed this to begin, and how it's left you feeling now it's over.

That you are being disingenuous as to why you started the thread.
You don’t need an Internet forum to decide for you what to do

OP - the only thing I wanted to add was that you may already be responsible for breaking up this family. It could be a month from now, it could be ten years from now but husband comes clean and that’s it.

You’ll never be able to make things go away but the one decent thing you can do now is to guarantee you aren’t with this man if and when his partner finds out.

I think the most brutal question (and this won’t go down well at all on MN) is to ask you, if this poor lady lost her baby, would you feel justified in continuing this affair? Are you desperately clinging on for hope that you could somehow be with this man?

I like to think we owe all fellow humans a basic level of respect and decency, which would include not pursuing and having a relationship with someone else's partner. Obviously the pregnancy makes the whole situation but that doesn't mean it would be ok without that factor.

I think we should treat everyone with respect until they demonstrate they don't deserve it. This man doesn't deserve it but his OH does.

For you to even have started this relationship you have to have no self esteem, to post that question on here just confirms it. Get out of this and don't be in another relationship until you have boundaries and self worth.

Right. It’s good you haven’t been in touch since you found out he is having a baby.

Now take control and don’t be the passive flotsam of his deceitful life. You will feel more powerful if you take control, more ownership of the end of this affair.

Send him one message. Tell him you want no part of it, and you will not play a role in his duplicitous life. Wish him well and suggest he concentrate on being a good father.

Then block. On every single channel. Go out with a girlfriend, hurl yourself into work, your social life and family, until the intoxication fades.

We all have a responsibility to consider whether our actions hurt others and to take responsibility for them when they do. You are doing something that you know will cause huge harm to another person, you don't just get to say it's ok because you don't know her.

But more than anything you are being unreasonable to yourself. Nothing you've written suggests you're the great love of his life met at the wrong time. He's with the person he wants to be with and it's not you. Secret, forbidden things are enjoyable - it doesn't mean he valued you beyond that.

You and that man are intentionally colluding together to hurt this woman. That's what you are doing. You're both having relations behind her back, sneaking around, doing your naughty bit of bumping uglies to have a bit of a thrill, while all the time this unsuspecting woman is carrying the child of the man you're shagging.

Yes, he is the one who should be committed, but as soon as you carry on shagging a man you KNOW is married, that's when it looks just as bad on you as it does him. Whenever I hear a story about the OW or OM, and they know their affair partner is married but they don't care, I think awfully of them. You know there's now a pregnant unsuspecting woman whose health (and the health of her unborn child) are at risk due to STIs and STDs, and you still don't feel guilty?

Says all I need to know about your conscience and the fact that if you can't see how morally reprehensible your actions are without having it explained in black and white by strangers, you never will.

The pregnant lady is probably better off with someone more deserving and you and your affair partner sound very deserving of each other. Until he finds a new mistress of course.

It's funny - I've started a thread saying I think women owe it to other women to not shag their husbands, and lots of people are disagreeing with me. They say the other woman has no obligation to do the right thing because they never made any vows. But when an actual OW appears, suddenly it's a different story!

I don't understand why you would have an affair with someone who isn't really tied to anyone. It's not like they had kids so couldn't leave her. What excuse does he have for having an affair?

And why you'd feel anything for someone like this?

Count yourself lucky that you're not the pregnant one and if you were really nice you would tell her. I wish someone had told me when I was pregnant with my first that his dad was messing around with other people. It would have hurt but I made some decisions which impacted my life badly for many years because I truated him. Had I known I would have made different decisions.

My troll thread senses are tingling.