I am the other woman

[ebellani]

I already I'm going to get flamed. That's fine.

I am in love with this man, it's all very pathetic. I just can't seem to let go. We don't meet up in person too often anymore but we text everyday, often flirty/sexual. We last slept together about 6 weeks ago.

He has been with his partner for a couple of years.

I have just found out she is 5 months pregnant. Shocked, very upset. I know the biggest victim in all of this is her.

I have never met her, I'm not sure she even knows I exist.

I honestly didn't feel guilty before, but now there's a baby I do. Is it true that the OW doesn't owe anything to the DP/DW of the man?

If you want my honest, straight advice: honestly, get over yourself a bit.

You don't 'need help'. People having affairs often do this - "it's pathetic", "I need someone else to make it feel real", as though 'lust' is some all-conquering force you can't fight against and it's so hard for you to to stop.

You can stop any time you want. You're a grown adult with agency and choices.

You keep choosing to fuck/text someone else's boyfriend, the father of someone else's child. You don't need 'help' ro stop doing that, you just think you do because you keep thinking of yourself as a 'passive bystander in a situation that just can't be helped', like some kind of lovelorn Disney princess. It's why it was easier not to feel guilt before - why should I feel guilt, I almost can't help it so I am making myself a passive participant and therefore not responsible - and why it's harder now - actual consequences are staring you in the face and you've been shocked into not contacting him and you've realised you are FULLY in charge of your actions.

I say this as someone who was - briefly - sleeping with someone else's partner when I was in my early 20s. I was all, I don't know how I could possibly stop, I don't feel guilty because I can't even help it, etc etc. And then my mother - wise woman that she is - said "You can help it, you're just choosing not to.".

And the guilt then hit me, that I was choosing not to stop, and I had to reckon with what kind of person that made me.

So... stop pretending you don't know what it would take to make you walk away and that you need strangers to tell you to do so, stop acting as though it's so 'pathetic' how you just can't help yourself.

You know full well why you should stop.

You know exactly how to stop - you just stop.

Own your actions and your part in it and the fact that you have chosen so far to be part of an affair, and that you are choosing not to do so any more.

Tbf the majority of the posts on this thread have referenced that OP is shitting on herself. The best solution to this issue would be OP showing the self respect to abandon him.

And honestly, that tends to be the way in these situations. Women accepting little titbits of dick and excitement when the married man feels like bestowing them, as though sex from men generally is somehow in short supply.

Hi OP. You know what you have to do.

I was in a similar situation and wasted years of my life hoping my AP would want me instead of his wife. When my AP's baby was born, I went on a downward spiral which I've never recovered from. Poor me, I know.

This will ruin your mental health - get out of the situtation now and try to build a better life for yourself.

It's not a different story, it's a different perspective. You were asking who owes fidelity to the wife of the cheating husband.

This thread is coming from a different angle and people are, quite rightly, pointing out how OP is being screwed over by this man. The fact that his wife is also being screwed over is not relevant here because OW is asking from her perspective.

OP is a fool to think she is anything but a mild distraction. That's what posters will focus on on this thread.

Mine to

Too

She isn't a bigger victim, she is THE victim. You and her husband are behaving pathetically and wholly deserve to feel guilty and be in turmoil about it.
And no, I've never been cheated on, I just recognise it's a despicable thing to do.

You need to tell her. That is your penance for doing such a vile thing. Hopefully you can get some good karma. You absolutely owe her that

Please don’t do this. You’ve done enough damage. Just leave them both alone.

That you are being disingenuous as to why you started the thread.
You don’t need an Internet forum to decide for you what to do

Is that not kind of the point of AIBU? For advice?

Thank you again. I know he is going to contact me again and when he does I'm going to let him know that I know about the baby and not to contact me again.

They aren't married, not that it matters.

We have known each other for a while and started sleeping together before I knew he was already in a relationship.

I've majorly fucked up, I am not a victim. I know that and see that.

Be strong op and don't let him try and sweet talk you. Cut all contact and go cold turkey, it's the best way. Keep yourself busy and distracted so you're not dwelling on this man. See friends/family, go out to dinner, take yourself to the cinema, go on holiday if you can. Before you know it this man will just be part of your past and you'll meet someone who can be all yours

But..... You needed the exact same wake up call... Shit happens, life happens we all make choices we aren't always proud of. It's easy to judge until you find yourself doing something so out of character you can't comprehend it.

OP.. forget the partner, do what's right for you. Which is finding someone who will love and make you their priority, you don't have to be hidden away, someone who will be proud to have you next to them. This isn't about anyone else, despite what others say, this is about you and creating a better life for yourself.

I feel sorry for his partner because if she really knew who he was she could have then made a properly informed decision about whether or not to have a baby with him. I feel sorry for the baby because he is a lying cheat so will probably be a crappy absent dad. It’s not fair on either of them. You are one of many op and you mean nothing to him. He is a shit, you have low self esteem.

Is it true that the OW doesn't owe anything to the DP/DW of the man?

That you even have to ask the question says more about you than anything else.

We…started sleeping together before I knew he was in a relationship.

So this lying Player initially deceived you, too, but after discovery you stayed and knowingly helped him humiliate his Partner. You had choices but hers have been stolen…

@ebellani, stop degrading yourself. Cut him off completely. Consider seeking counseling to examine why you have pursued validation by trashing an innocent woman’s life.

Absolutely disgusting behaviour, you should be ashamed of yourself. You only care now you’ve found out she’s pregnant? I don’t believe that in the slightest. I hope karma comes back and bites you on the arse.

I don’t think you love this man.

You love the idea of him. You loved the excitement he was sneaking behind his partners back for you.

You say you have never met this woman. So really, you don’t owe her anything. But he does. You have willingly participated in cheating. Why would you want to be with a cheater? He is a piece of shit. And you’re not much better.

End it. Now.

Debatable.
That’s not why you posted though. You need some attention from somewhere now you have time to fill

When I found out my ex husband was cheating I developed panic attacks and could not drive and developed shingles. The betrayal is so profound.

So you have a sexual relationship with a liar who cheats on his partner and has no respect for the mother of his developing child. What a prize he must be.

You’re a horrid person.

You don't say.

You have to ask yourself why you are in love with a cheating waste of space who is unfaithful to his pregnant wife?

If he actually loved you, 100%, he would have separated from his wife when he was at the point of considering acting on his feelings for you.

He didn't. Give it up already. He is just not that into you and tbh why would you want him to be he sounds like a tosser.

You just gave him free sex for nothing.