To not want to go to this

[Tired32]

So my DH has arranged to go for lunch with his dad on Sunday (my dad is on holiday)

I honestly can’t think of anything worse! My MIL annoys me and everything will be down to me With regards to the kids.

my dislike for them just keeps growing and growing with the lack of effort they put into the kids.

please tell me I am not a horrible person, or is this something I just have to do?

You definitely need to address this issue with your DH ASAP but if it were me I would suck up the dinner this weekend as I wouldn't want to be accused of ruining fathers day. It's a bigger issue than this one meal.

The number of women with small children who cry regularly because their partner is shit is very very high OP. You certainly aren't alone.

In laws can't win. They are either interfering and getting it all wrong or don't care. Young children are hard work and can be badly behaved. I never expected my parents or in laws to deal with those situations. However both me and DH shared parenting. Yours isn't being fair.

When is the last time you went out with them? As it seems from the post about a crying child it was quite a while ago, and the issue there was your husband? Ultimately though, if you don't want to go- don't

That's a DH problem.

When my kids were that age and stage, DH spoke to his fancy- meal loving parents and explained they weren't suitable events for our young toddler and suggested alternatives such as coming to us (him doing the work) or just him going to the meal (with elder DC when there was DC2 at that stage) and they did a mix. But my in laws aren't twats either once things are pointed out to them.

Agree you have a DH problem. I'd be coming down with a stomach bug on Sunday morning and wave him off with the kids.

My H was like this when DS was small. No real answers other than don't have any more kids. But also, although he's getting away with not being a parent now, it will impact the bond he has with the kids. DS and I are much closer - a bond forged by the many wet weekend days we spent down the swing park while H sat at home in the warm 'working'.

Just get rid of him op. He clearly doesn't give a fuck.

Part of the problem is that this rises up when there is a contentious event, so the discussion becomes more heated and more confused by things like "all I want to do is see my father for father's day" and so you are trying to wade through a mount of different arguments just to get to the hub of the matter.

Would it work if you sat him down when things were relatively calm and talked about how you both want to deal with family events, but specifically about how both of you should be a team when it comes to parenting.
Also, are you the dedicated driver at these events?
Part of the problem is when one partner doesn't do much looking after kids at events and leaves it all up to someone else, they are less on alert and therefore become less competent at it and then can't be trusted to sufficiently monitor them. You've got to be eyes on with small children all the time for safety's sake. Even with something as simple as hot tea. I speak from experience.
I call it the Mary/Martha syndrome and it's an absolute pain.
This might be a good place to approach this discussion. It's about both parents being vigilant, not just one.