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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to go to this

108 replies

Tired32 · 14/06/2022 14:00

So my DH has arranged to go for lunch with his dad on Sunday (my dad is on holiday)

I honestly can’t think of anything worse! My MIL annoys me and everything will be down to me With regards to the kids.

my dislike for them just keeps growing and growing with the lack of effort they put into the kids.

please tell me I am not a horrible person, or is this something I just have to do?

OP posts:
MangoBiscuit · 14/06/2022 16:02

My DP works out of the home, I WFH, both full time. DP makes sure that the kitchen is sorted before he goes to bed, otherwise I'm stuck with it all day, or I have to sort it while working, and he doesn't think that's fair.

Maybe you could ask your DH to take some of the ironing with him to do at his desk, seeing how doing housework while you're working, is expected.

IvorCutler · 14/06/2022 16:12

It’s Father’s Day… suck it up. Then make sure you can relax and have some time for yourself in the evening.

GabriellaMontez · 14/06/2022 16:15

Tired32 · 14/06/2022 15:10

@GabriellaMontez it is something that we will never agree on so why rock the boat? Nobody else I know feels that way but I won’t change their perspective

If you're content to continue with a dynamic where you pretend to be in the 1950s and your dh behaves accordingly, that's fine.

However you don't sound content. You sound thoroughly fucked off.

Why would it be 'rocking the boat' to behave like normal and like everyone else you know? What would happen? So what if they don't change?

Or, and this would be my favoured option, don't go and explain exactly why you're not going.

airrrrAIRRRRiELLLL · 14/06/2022 16:30

Hang on, the pots got dirty in the evening from cooking a meal that he ate so you wfh during the day has nothing to do with it! He's delightful.

Herejustforthisone · 14/06/2022 16:32

Your husband is a cunt. Leave him.

Then he can have (and actually bother to look after) his kids on his own on Father’s Day.

MrsTerryPratchett · 14/06/2022 16:47

Tired32 · 14/06/2022 15:57

I confronted him this morning about the pots being left and his response was, yea but you are at home all day (I WFH!) he’s a twat!

Then what?

I'd be saying, 'what the fuck?'. He ate the food fine, he can clear up. And if he doesn't clear up after you cook, he is basically saying his time is more valuable than yours. Do you believe that or not?

Fidodidit · 14/06/2022 16:47

IvorCutler · 14/06/2022 16:12

It’s Father’s Day… suck it up. Then make sure you can relax and have some time for yourself in the evening.

Well, he doesn’t parent so while the FIL might warrant celebrating for that role, the DH doesn’t.

Littlebirdyouaresosweet · 14/06/2022 17:46

Go work in a library..
Or see a solicitor.. Then he will have to parent his own dc at least some of the time.

ChubbyButt · 14/06/2022 17:51

I'm baffled by these responses - of course you should go! I can't imagine a thread where someone asked "I've booked to go for a meal with my mum and kids for Mother's Day but DH is refusing to go" would have anyone saying he's entitled to refuse... It's Father's Day, he gets to choose.

sandragreen · 14/06/2022 17:55

I would say exactly the same if the roles were reversed. Why does OP need to be there?

Original poster
Tired32 · 14/06/2022 18:07

I would like nothing more than to go (in different circumstances! Why should I be run ragged and he gets to sit there)

it isn’t just about this particular issue though if I’m honest.

OP posts:
tenterden · 14/06/2022 18:12

It's Father's Day, he gets to choose.

Yes - he gets to choose what he does He doesn't get to choose what OP does!

It does sound as though you have wider issues though OP. It might be worth starting a thread in Relationships? I would either tell him you aren't going, or have a last minute migraine and stay home. Flowers

RealBecca · 14/06/2022 18:16

He doesnt sound like an equal partner but from his point if view, why should he be when it's easier not to and all he gets is a bit if earache from you but no consequence? That's what hes thinking. I dont want to victim blame you. But think what his interpretation of the situation is. Hes thinking why should he respect you because you dont have the confidence to set him straight. FYI though, a man that thinks this way will never change. If you had a nice bloke you would both just help each other. But you have a chauvinist pig. And the result is you either put up with it, leave him or spend your life arguing with him and trying to make him change- which he wont.

yourestandingonmyneck · 14/06/2022 18:26

Tired32 · 14/06/2022 14:10

I suppose it is that everybody just sits there drinking wine leaving me run ragged with the kids eating cold food. I really don’t want to go

Don't go then.

I absolutely wouldn't go either.

Let him take the kids and enjoy some time to yourself.

Original poster
Tired32 · 14/06/2022 20:17

Do you really think men like this never change?…

OP posts:
Fidodidit · 14/06/2022 20:21

DH is away. He always does the washing but as he’s not here I’ve have to do it. I should probably share the job and I would if he ever said anything to me about it but because he doesn’t I don’t. In reality, i’m taking the piss just like your DH.

MrsTerryPratchett · 14/06/2022 20:21

Tired32 · 14/06/2022 20:17

Do you really think men like this never change?…

Not when their partner won't hold to very very tight boundaries. Which you won't. So no, he won't change.

LittleOwl153 · 14/06/2022 20:31

Tired32 · 14/06/2022 20:17

Do you really think men like this never change?…

No!

Sn0tnose · 14/06/2022 20:53

Never mind ‘but it’s Father’s Day’! Every sodding day seems to be Father’s Day for the OP’s husband! When is it ‘Do your share of the housework’ day? When is it ‘parent your sodding children’ day?

SoSleepyMustWork · 14/06/2022 21:00

I think you should suddenly get ill on Sunday 😂 and he can take the kids with him for lunch! Or leave them at home with a "sick" you. Either way.
You stay home and gets his meal.

Sallypally0 · 14/06/2022 21:14

Let him go to the meal but tell him you do not want to see the mother in law. have a nice day with your children instead.

queenmeadhbh · 14/06/2022 21:18

Tired32 · 14/06/2022 18:07

I would like nothing more than to go (in different circumstances! Why should I be run ragged and he gets to sit there)

it isn’t just about this particular issue though if I’m honest.

Why should I be run ragged and he gets to sit there

Because you let him. You for some reason feel that you do not have the authority to say, oi, you’re on duty, I need to eat my lunch.

it isn’t just about this particular issue though if I’m honest.

yes, this is what PP have been saying from the very start of the thread - you have a selfish twat of a husband which is nothing at all to do with your ILs. So; do you stay or not?

Kite22 · 14/06/2022 21:21

I would like nothing more than to go (in different circumstances! Why should I be run ragged and he gets to sit there)

But it isn't an either / or situation.
I would go, and sit your older one next to grandparents and the baby by your dh.
or
If you have taken the baby out (after all, one of you has to, and it is Father's Day celebrations and it is that you are out with his family), then come back in after about 5 mins, put the baby into his arms and just say 'your turn'.

This is nothing to to with your in laws and everything to do with
a) you dh's attitude
b) you letting him get away with it

Just stand up for yourself.

billy1966 · 14/06/2022 21:23

Why have you settled for so little OP.

You deserve better.

Isthisit22 · 14/06/2022 21:24

Your husband is the problem here. Don't be distracted by little things like Father's Day- time to really decide if you have a marriage worth saving