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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to go to this

108 replies

Tired32 · 14/06/2022 14:00

So my DH has arranged to go for lunch with his dad on Sunday (my dad is on holiday)

I honestly can’t think of anything worse! My MIL annoys me and everything will be down to me With regards to the kids.

my dislike for them just keeps growing and growing with the lack of effort they put into the kids.

please tell me I am not a horrible person, or is this something I just have to do?

OP posts:
BeltnBraces · 14/06/2022 15:01

Headache is coming on, I feel.
Sell your absence from family lunch by explaining that PIL would love to have their son and DGC all for themselves and would cherish the time spent with offspring and grand-offspring.
And you need to have windows cleaning or something. Which couldn't be do because cuz.

Original poster
Tired32 · 14/06/2022 15:02

Feel so pissed off lately, I made dinner yesterday evening, DH went to bed later than me and I woke up to a load of pots…I feel it doesn’t enter his bloody head to do this stuff! Going completely off track here.

OP posts:
Wexone · 14/06/2022 15:03

@Tired32 but who has anything in common with their in laws at 1st? You become part of the family when you get married and have children and things grow as you spend time with them etc, now you have grandchildren which they are related to so this is what you have in common. Sometimes for the sake off, to keep good relations you have to suck it up and turn up for a few hours at things. You are not giving any examples of how they are being terrible people nor an examples outside of the situation of how your DH helps you etc. If he is not supporting at all you need to have a serious chat with him

GabriellaMontez · 14/06/2022 15:04

He goes alone. Or he takes the kids. Does he know how you felt last time? If not tell him then he'll know why.

Why do you keep participating in the charade of pretending to be in the 1950s?

Original poster
Tired32 · 14/06/2022 15:05

I have known them for over 15 years

OP posts:
2pinkginsplease · 14/06/2022 15:06

The in laws don't sound like the problem. Your husband is the problem here!

Holly60 · 14/06/2022 15:09

Your in-laws haven't really done anything wrong. I think you need to set the ground rules with DH before you go. Then you won't need to ask for help in front of anyone during the meal as he will know what you need him to do.

Either he helps more or you don't go.

Original poster
Tired32 · 14/06/2022 15:10

@GabriellaMontez it is something that we will never agree on so why rock the boat? Nobody else I know feels that way but I won’t change their perspective

OP posts:
Sn0tnose · 14/06/2022 15:19

I think your annoyance is aimed in the wrong direction. You’ve got in laws who seem fairly detached but, apart from the lack of interest in their grandchildren, everything you’ve said is an example of how shit your husband is, rather than how shit your in laws are.

It’s time to tell him that he either shapes up or he goes back to his mum. Having a partner who treats you like his mum is only ever going to end in resentment and having your skin crawl at the thought of having sex with him.

MrsTerryPratchett · 14/06/2022 15:21

You seem to think there's another choice. There isn't.

  1. You put up and shut up
  2. You leave or plan to leave
  3. You challenge his behaviour every time, don't back down, expect more. Tell him to do the pots in the morning. Tell him you want to break at the magic show. He either changes or you are left with choices 1 and 2.
There are no other choices.
carriebradshawwithlessshoes · 14/06/2022 15:24

Simple statement made to DH before you leave home for the meal. ‘If DC starts kicking off I’ll handle the first 5 minutes but then I expect you to take over. If I’m outside come and find me and we will swap over. I’m not handling it all on my own.’

ive been there with Inlaws like yours and SIL and BIL who would sooner strip naked in the restaurant than offer a hand. You can’t change them but you can make your (very reasonable) expectations known to DH (not that you should have to.)

if after saying that you are still left with the carnage, no, I wouldn’t be going again.

luckylavender · 14/06/2022 15:25

Tired32 · 14/06/2022 14:35

we Went our with my family last week and I would have loved to watch my DD with the kids entertainer but my DH said ‘you don’t even like magic’ so had to chase my son around instead. It does feel slightly unfair sometimes.

That's what it's like when you have young children though

SleepingStandingUp · 14/06/2022 15:26

I'd tell him "frankly after last time, I have no interest in going" then tell eldest Daddy is taking him to the pub with baby and Grandad.

You have a DH problem. He finds any excuse to opt out of parenting and uses that lack of parenting to punish you.

SleepingStandingUp · 14/06/2022 15:27

luckylavender · 14/06/2022 15:25

That's what it's like when you have young children though

Show quote history

Well why couldn't he have run around after the son and op sit nicely with DD? Why as Mom does she have to have the but he doesn't want?

Original poster
Tired32 · 14/06/2022 15:32

@luckylavender yes it is, but shouldn’t it be shared thing?

OP posts:
Sparkletastic · 14/06/2022 15:33

Practice some things to say along the following lines:

'I'm looking after DC1 - your turn with DC2'
'Hold the baby whilst I get my turn to eat lunch and enjoy a glass of wine'
'Ask daddy / grandma / grandpa - mummy's turn for a rest'

Otherwise every bloody day will be Father's Day for your lazy arse DH.

Fidodidit · 14/06/2022 15:37

Tell your DH you’re not going because it’s shit being left with all the parenting in these situations. He can either leave the DCs with you or take them with him. And mean it.

Pollydonia · 14/06/2022 15:43

Tired32 · 14/06/2022 14:23

I just felt like DH didn’t consider me at all at that last meal. To the point where I vouched never to do it again. It was done purposely and I felt so left out.

Have you discussed this with him ?

MrsTerryPratchett · 14/06/2022 15:46

That's what it's like when you have young children though

Not for him, it's not. That's the issue, that that OP had to do some of it. It's that she has to do all of it.

londonmummy1966 · 14/06/2022 15:48

I'd spell it out to him - last time we went out with your parents you did nothing to hekp out with the DC - you left it all to me and I wasn't able to eat my meal and ended up outside in tears feeling overwhelmed. SO this time I'm not going - you can take the DC with you by yourself and see what it was like for me. Hopefully after that you'll realise how much work it is and do your fair share in future.

SlidingDoorsMoment · 14/06/2022 15:49

You need to get rid of your husband, who the fuck wants to spend their life with someone like
him. And you’ll get rid of his awful family as a consequence of that.

Sparkletastic · 14/06/2022 15:52

londonmummy1966 · 14/06/2022 15:48

I'd spell it out to him - last time we went out with your parents you did nothing to hekp out with the DC - you left it all to me and I wasn't able to eat my meal and ended up outside in tears feeling overwhelmed. SO this time I'm not going - you can take the DC with you by yourself and see what it was like for me. Hopefully after that you'll realise how much work it is and do your fair share in future.

This is bang on the money.

SallyWD · 14/06/2022 15:52

I'm only reading about bad behaviour from your DH not the in-laws. He needs to change. I have nothing in common with my in-laws (they're Indian, very religious and Conservative) but I accept our differences and we all make an effort with each other and get on. We're family after all. It's your DH that sounds like he can be lazy and unhelpful. I would address this issue rather than focus on the fact you don't have much in common with the in-laws.

Original poster
Tired32 · 14/06/2022 15:57

I confronted him this morning about the pots being left and his response was, yea but you are at home all day (I WFH!) he’s a twat!

OP posts:
Whetheryouthinkyoucan · 14/06/2022 15:59

@Tired32

yep, he’s a twat. Now that you’ve realised this, what are you going to do?