To not want to go to this

[Tired32]

So my DH has arranged to go for lunch with his dad on Sunday (my dad is on holiday)

I honestly can’t think of anything worse! My MIL annoys me and everything will be down to me With regards to the kids.

my dislike for them just keeps growing and growing with the lack of effort they put into the kids.

please tell me I am not a horrible person, or is this something I just have to do?

What happens when you are out with your family?

It sounds like your Dh is the problem rather than his family (although you have said they made you cry but not what they did to upset you other than not getting help with settling your child).

I just felt like DH didn’t consider me at all at that last meal. To the point where I vouched never to do it again. It was done purposely and I felt so left out.

If it was me I'd just go. It's only a couple of hours and shows respect to your in-laws. I would have a serious chat with your DH though and say you want to enjoy it too and eat a hot meal. It seems fair that if the children are playing up you take it in turns to amuse them while the other one eats. You haven't said anything that sounds awful about your in laws - only that they're old fashioned and like to sit back and relax while they go out for lunch.

Say you've agreed to zoom with your Dad (or invent some other cast iron excuse) on Sunday, but it's a GREAT idea that he takes the kids for lunch with his parents.

Your husband sounds very selfish. Consider what he’s bringing to your life that makes it easier and what you’ll do if it turns out he’s just a drain on you. In the short term just tell him you’re not going and you’re giving him the day to enjoy with his parents and his kids. So he might get in a huff, not your problem is it? You’re not stopping him seeing his dad, you’re not stopping him taking the kids. You’re just declining to go with them. That’s okay.

I don’t know OP, you seem to be blaming everyone around you and especially your in laws for you crying. I think you were crying because your DH is crap and you were a tired mum. The tired mum thing is a normal part of being a mum. The crap DH is unfortunate and caused you frustration but you’re now working yourself into a state about the tragedy of crying when crying and high emotions are extremely normal for mums in the first years. It’s hard. But that’s parenting.

if your DH really is crap, then it’s up to you if you are willing to put up with that, or put up with it but extract yourself from situations that cause you upset where possible, or leave him.

None of us can possibly guess which option is appropriate.

So it is your DH that's the problem, why blame the ILs?

Again, what is your DH like in other parenting aspects?

Fuck that OP, don't go!

Did you raise this with your DH after he was a shit last time? If so, what did he say?

How does he behave when he's not with his family?

Let him go and you stay at home with the kids?

I’m not blaming the IL’s as such, I know the kids are not their responsibility, I just feel outnumbered I suppose as they will always back DH (because of the way they are) I really struggled.

I don’t have much in common with them anyway tbh.

Come down with a stomach bug on Sunday morning and send the kids with your husband.

we Went our with my family last week and I would have loved to watch my DD with the kids entertainer but my DH said ‘you don’t even like magic’ so had to chase my son around instead. It does feel slightly unfair sometimes.

Time to colour in a COVID test.

They happily go weeks/months without seeing the kids and although I know it’s their loss Etc I just can’t understand it.

@NeverFlyCoach 😂😂😂

Sort your DH out, that is where the issue is!

Don't use your ILs a scape goat, just don't go with him when it's his family, go alone when it's your family. Then at least he has to parent some of the time and you get a break?

How old are the kids?

4 and 1

If your kids are that young then suggest to dh that he takes his parents out for a lovely quiet meal as kids wont sit and you stay home with the kids.

how old are the kids? the number of 'nice family meals' that I have spent chasing the kids is enormous, and if you have kids under 5, then this kind of thing is not great fun. that is just part of them being this age.

but it doesn't sound like your PIL have done anything very wrong, beyond being a bit old fashioned. And to refuse to meet them / go to lunch would damage the family links.

I think you should - tell your DH that you will need his support. Get a new sticker book or similar for the DC to keep them quiet for a bit, put on a brave face and go. If you only see this side of the family a few times a year, then it is something you can endure for their sakes and for the sake of family harmony and future relationships.

Don’t go.
While they are out I think you need to really think about what you are getting out of this relationship and if you are going to continue like this for another 5/10/15/20 years.

I would go for the sake of good family relations but make it clear beforehand that we both have to parent while there.

It isn't that your ILs are shit, @Tired32, it's that your DH is!

Essentially he sees looking after the DCs as your job regardless of whether you are with his family or your family. You are not unreasonable to want to change that dynamic. Sit him down and explain that it isn't much fun for you to be the sole childcarer and that if he isn't going to step up and take a bit more responsibility when you are both out and about with the kids, then you just aren't going to go to these things.

OP at some point you are going to have to accept responsibility for your own decisions. You are part of this too. Stop caring about what PILs think and tell your DH that you expect him to parent his children.

You say last time you vowed never to go again so why are you now saying you will go? Nothing will change if you don't change your behaviour.

Your DH is the issue and you seem completely unable to process that piece of information. He's selfish and sexist.

Added to that you seem to want to pretend you are sexist too when you're with them. Why? It's very people pleasing. I'm proud DH and I don't have some Cretaceous period relationship and I would totally ask for him to take over if I needed it. Even in front of MIL and SIL who are in much more sexist relationships. They made their choices.

I suspect you don't ask because DH makes you feel shitty for it.