To think I shouldn't be buying Father's Day gifts for my ex?

[PrettyLittleCryer]

So my DC are early teens. I've not been with their father for their entire life - he left me while I was pregnant.

Im now married, with a child with my DH. Myself and ex have a perfectly friendly co parenting relationship and he is engaged to a very nice woman who is effectively my DCs step-mum although they don't call her mum as they've only known her 5 years.

Anyway - the expectation has always been that I buy fathers day and bday gifts from the kids to my ex. I've quietly suggested to them that now they're older, they could have the convo with "stepmum" about taking this on but I guess they are embarrassed to.

I just don't entirely see why I'm paying out for gifts for my ex. She's quite happy to post pics and parenting memes etc on Facebook but in fairness, I reckon she's never even been asked about this so maybe it hasn't crossed her mind. My DCs get a small allowance per month which technically they could use to buy gifts but that feels a bit mean too.

AIBU to think it shouldn't be me, or do I just keep doing it?

Who buys your Mother's Day presents?

Now they’re teenagers they should be doing it themselves out of their allowances

This.

I got my own presents from about 11 (maybe with a fiver chucked in here and there from my mum!) for my dad, and they'd not been together since I was under 3. Definitely not your job! Teenagers are definitely an okay age to be getting their own.

Yeah, it really depends if he is involved in the dc getting something for you.

I don't think it is the stepmum's responsibility, though.

Does he buy you mother's day and birthday presents from them? If not then fair enough to stop. I would talk to him about it though, rather than expect your DC to sort it out.

Do the kids have access to funds to arrange their own gifts? And yes, who buys you mothers day presents?

If he doesn’t reciprocate by getting gifts from dc to you then I would stop. Your DCs are also capable of making arrangements

It's not step mothers responsibility, some choose to take it over but it's not reasonable to ask.

My teenager is reminded it's Father's Day and is expected to use her own money, but her father is mostly absent so since I stopped doing it he usually gets nothing.

You're bang out of order to get stepmum involved in this. They are old enough to sort it out themselves if they can be arsed. Speak to DH after this father's day and say from now on you think it's a good idea for the kids to buy/make gifts themselves as they are old enough.

They are teenagers why can’t they get it themselves 😐

It’s neither your, nor their step-mother’s responsibility to do this.

I’m also interested to know if he buys your Mother’s Day present.

I think if your kids want/need your help with this you should carry on. It really won’t be long before they become more self sufficient.

I don’t think this should fall to step mum.

If I were you I think I would talk to them about it and maybe give them an increased allowance with a view they save some for presents like this (and birthday and Christmas)
What kind of gifts do they normally give him - are they very expensive?
re the step mum - you say she’s posting parenting memes, does she have children of her own , children with your ex? Or is she presenting herself on social media as parenting your kids ?
i think it won’t have occurred to her because you’ve always provided the gifts , she probably doesn’t even think about the fact you bought them
your Ex isn’t her father and if they don’t have kids together it’s not really anything to do with her

Well obviously you send him a glitter bomb for Father's Day....
He will tell you not to bother with gifts from then on I imagine..

Nothing to do with stepmum. They're old enough to get them themselves now. It doesn't have to be anything big, but it should come from their allowance. It definitely shouldn't be you, and it shouldn't be the stepmum.

The money should either be coming from you or from their pocket money, depending on how much they get and what they’re expected to buy with it. As they’re teens I would expect them to be choosing a gift and a card themselves though, so it shouldn’t involve much effort on your part.

NOT. The step mums responsibility in any way. You are acting on behalf of your children. It’s on you, I think

Sorry for late reply. No, he's never bought me a mothers day present, or bday present. My DH always does that on behalf of all our children. In fairness to ex, I v much doubt he cares what he gets but it's my DCs that want to be gift giving and keep asking every year. Yes I could further raise their allowance to incorporate this- although essentially that's the same difference, in a roundabout way. They are only just turned teen though so it's not like they are 16-18 with jobs and perfectly capable of sorting this all themselves.

Think it partly depends on who buys Mother’s Day gifts but going forward I would just let the kids sort it and if they can’t afford it then just to get something really small or just a card and make you breakfast in bed or similar.

They're your kids. I'd facilitate it by taking them to the shops or whatever, but I wouldn't do it for them. It's certainly not their stepmum's job.

As he lets your household sort out Mother’s Day, then Father’s Day should be sorted by his household. Why should you pay for both?

My DC have sorted it themselves out of pocket money since they were 10/11. I used to do it but the effort wasn't reciprocated so now they walk to the shops and buy what they want to get. It isn't mean that they have to use pocket money (depending on how much they get), it's normal to have to budget for things that aren't exclusively for you out of available money.

They are though. A 13 year old is old enough to go into a shop and pick up ingredients to make fudge or a box of chocolates and a generic mug. If they'd really can't afford it with their pocket money then just making a card.