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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I shouldn't be buying Father's Day gifts for my ex?

77 replies

PrettyLittleCryer · 13/06/2022 17:36

So my DC are early teens. I've not been with their father for their entire life - he left me while I was pregnant.

Im now married, with a child with my DH. Myself and ex have a perfectly friendly co parenting relationship and he is engaged to a very nice woman who is effectively my DCs step-mum although they don't call her mum as they've only known her 5 years.

Anyway - the expectation has always been that I buy fathers day and bday gifts from the kids to my ex. I've quietly suggested to them that now they're older, they could have the convo with "stepmum" about taking this on but I guess they are embarrassed to.

I just don't entirely see why I'm paying out for gifts for my ex. She's quite happy to post pics and parenting memes etc on Facebook but in fairness, I reckon she's never even been asked about this so maybe it hasn't crossed her mind. My DCs get a small allowance per month which technically they could use to buy gifts but that feels a bit mean too.

AIBU to think it shouldn't be me, or do I just keep doing it?

OP posts:
BiscoffSundae · 13/06/2022 19:27

why can’t they buy something in the shop? I’ve seen secondary school kids in uniform go to the shops after school! Give them a couple of quid for a card 🤦🏻

Ihatethenewlook · 13/06/2022 19:28

PrettyLittleCryer · 13/06/2022 18:37

Sorry for late reply. No, he's never bought me a mothers day present, or bday present. My DH always does that on behalf of all our children. In fairness to ex, I v much doubt he cares what he gets but it's my DCs that want to be gift giving and keep asking every year. Yes I could further raise their allowance to incorporate this- although essentially that's the same difference, in a roundabout way. They are only just turned teen though so it's not like they are 16-18 with jobs and perfectly capable of sorting this all themselves.

My 11yo saved up her pocket money and bought me a candle and a purse from the shops. Last year she gave me the money and then asked for my Amazon account details and ordered me a little crystal statue. I’m sure your teenagers will manage

2Rebecca · 13/06/2022 19:31

I didn't expect my kids to get me presents when they were small. A card was fine and as we're divorced good if I saw them. I find parents buying each other presents for father and mothers day odd

BiscoffSundae · 13/06/2022 19:31

Why can’t a 13 year old to go to the shop? waiting for a drip feed about them having sen...

damnthisvirusandmarriage · 13/06/2022 19:32

My ex doesn’t do mine. But I’ll be doing it for him as my children love to give. And it’s their feelings that matter to me. So until someone else volunteers then I’ll do it. For them. X

unicornsarereal72 · 13/06/2022 19:32

Kids are old enough to do it themselves.

My ex does nothing on behalf of the children for me. And pays no child support either so I resent what little money I have buying him anything.

This year I have started to give the children pocket money. So that they learn to budget. If they want to get him anything it comes from their own money. I will take them to a shop and remind them but I'm not spending anything more from the very small surplus I have left after bills etc

Cherrysoup · 13/06/2022 19:35

In the nicest possible way, stop being a doormat. I bet they don’t ask him about Mother’s Day! I would very kindly explain that they are old enough to make a card/buy something cheap. You can remind them, but I don’t think it’s your job to buy these things.

Original poster
PrettyLittleCryer · 13/06/2022 19:56

BiscoffSundae · 13/06/2022 19:31

Why can’t a 13 year old to go to the shop? waiting for a drip feed about them having sen...

No SEN. They can go to the shop. Where the gift comes from isn't really the issue here - the kids tell me what they want to get. It's the fact I'm physically paying for it after all these years.

OP posts:
Original poster
PrettyLittleCryer · 13/06/2022 19:57

damnthisvirusandmarriage · 13/06/2022 19:32

My ex doesn’t do mine. But I’ll be doing it for him as my children love to give. And it’s their feelings that matter to me. So until someone else volunteers then I’ll do it. For them. X

This is exactly my DH's take on the situation.

OP posts:
GettingItOutThere · 13/06/2022 20:18

no i would not be buying him presents again!!

give your kids 5 quid and tell them to buy him something if at all . they could make him something?!

either way stop buying stuff

StrychnineInTheSandwiches · 13/06/2022 20:22

I wouldn't mind physically paying for the Father's Day gifts as long as your kids are the ones doing the actual shopping/wrapping etc.

See it as giving the money to them rather than your ex.

BiscoffSundae · 13/06/2022 20:31

I think it’s because this is what you started, why did you ever start it? Especially as he doesn’t get you anything, most people would have stopped the first time, otherwise get the kids to make cards? But you started with the gift buying for whatever reasons, so how do your kids feel? If they want to continue I would give A couple of quid each for a card and that’s all, why get gifts it’s unnecessary

RenegadeMatron · 13/06/2022 20:36

There are single mums the world over who don’t get anything for their birthday, let alone Mother’s Day, as there isn’t someone in the background - giving it a blind bit of thought facilitating it.

ManateeFair · 13/06/2022 20:36

It’s not their stepmother’s problem and I’m not surprised your kids feel weird about asking her to suddenly step in after years of you doing it.

You’re not really ‘buying a present for your ex’. You’re buying the opportunity for your kids to feel nice about giving something to their dad, which personally I think is worth a small sum for their sake assuming their only income is their pocket money. But if they’re taking the piss and demanding they get him a £75 aftershave every year, scale it back.

BaaCake · 13/06/2022 20:38

PrettyLittleCryer · 13/06/2022 19:56

No SEN. They can go to the shop. Where the gift comes from isn't really the issue here - the kids tell me what they want to get. It's the fact I'm physically paying for it after all these years.

Show quote history

From their pocket money though. Use that.

audweb · 13/06/2022 20:39

It’s not their step mums job.

can you not just give them a tenner pocket money and let them pick something small? I do that with my kid, I never get anything in return but it’s not about me, it’s about them being able to give their dad something. My ex is fairly useless but my kid loves their dad, so I facilitate it for them.

AnneLovesGilbert · 13/06/2022 20:41

Tell them this year they’re old enough to sort it. Facilitate a trip to the shop and let them choose and pay for whatever they think he’ll like. Gift giving is a life skill and if they don’t want to use their money they can make him a card. My 3 year old has managed that and my young teen step kids are sorting their own cards and gifts for DH.

Sillystripytail · 13/06/2022 20:42

It would quietly bug me but I would do it for my children's sake. In 5 years time, they'll be doing it themselves and you'll never have to do it again. I think it's a good example of kindness to show your kids too.

Noisyprat · 13/06/2022 20:42

Your boys are old enough to get him some chocolate or something from the local shop. I despair really m, you seem to think it's a woman's job to buy presents/sort things out and you are teaching your boys this. No wonder men are so bloody useless. Get a grip OP, tell your boys to make a card and sort out a gift within their budget. Perhaps they could make him some biscuits or something!

Benjaminsniddlegrass · 13/06/2022 20:45

I'm a 'step mother' to three DSC since a few years in I've supported them to get their dad a gift/card. They are young adults now but I will drop them occasional prompts. Their mother doesn't have a partner so when they were younger we'd grab a bottle of wine/flowers for them to give etc, nothing major. Anyhoo my thinking is I'd leave it to their household to sort.

DenholmElliot1 · 13/06/2022 20:48

Yes they should be buying him a card themselves (gift not necessary in my opinion) and it's your job as a parent to ensure that your children grow up to be thoughtful adults who are capable of acknowledging special occasions in their loved ones lives. Otherwise, they just become those people who women moan about on mumsnet - you know, the men who can't be arsed to buy cards or presents for anyone .

ClocksGoingBackwards · 13/06/2022 20:52

Give your children a small budget. Enough to buy a card and some sweets but not enough that you can reasonably begrudge it. Then if they want to give more expensive presents, they can choose to use their allowance.

That way you get to give the lesson about being the more gracious, bigger person, at the same time as the lesson about the value of money.

RunningAlong · 13/06/2022 20:55

Ever since we split I've made sure that I take my two children to get a gift each for their mum for mothers day, birthday and Christmas. Its never anything big just a token and it is rarely reciprocated but its about setting an example and its as much for them as it is for their mum.

MySaladsAreMassive · 13/06/2022 20:56

I think some people are caught up on it not being the step mums job, which I completely agree with and I think OP was wrong to think step mum should do it just because her partner does Mother’s Day for her.

BUT, why should OPs house sort out her Mother’s Day and her exes Father’s Day. The ideal would be that her ex helped his kids over the years to get something for OP for Mother’s Day, like she has helped their children to do something for Father’s Day. If he’s not doing that, and she is expected to sort her own Mother’s Day, then her ex can sort his Father’s Day. If he won’t facilitate Mother’s Day for the sake of his children then he should at least facilitate Father’s Day for the sake of his own children. Anything else isn’t fair as it results in OPs house paying for both mothers and Father’s Day, in time and/or money. Even if the children take themselves off to the shop to buy dad a present, it’s still mum paying, just like she did on Mother’s Day.

The ex is the issue here, not the step mum or the children.

easyday · 13/06/2022 20:57

Your kids do it themselves. If they can't afford a gift a nice card will do. You shouldn't do it, and their step mum DEFINITELY shouldn't.

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