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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I shouldn't be buying Father's Day gifts for my ex?

77 replies

PrettyLittleCryer · 13/06/2022 17:36

So my DC are early teens. I've not been with their father for their entire life - he left me while I was pregnant.

Im now married, with a child with my DH. Myself and ex have a perfectly friendly co parenting relationship and he is engaged to a very nice woman who is effectively my DCs step-mum although they don't call her mum as they've only known her 5 years.

Anyway - the expectation has always been that I buy fathers day and bday gifts from the kids to my ex. I've quietly suggested to them that now they're older, they could have the convo with "stepmum" about taking this on but I guess they are embarrassed to.

I just don't entirely see why I'm paying out for gifts for my ex. She's quite happy to post pics and parenting memes etc on Facebook but in fairness, I reckon she's never even been asked about this so maybe it hasn't crossed her mind. My DCs get a small allowance per month which technically they could use to buy gifts but that feels a bit mean too.

AIBU to think it shouldn't be me, or do I just keep doing it?

OP posts:
GreatCrash · 13/06/2022 20:59

I don't think a gift is necessary on Father's Day, so in your shoes I'd just remind them to buy a card and no extra pocket money needed.

Birthday is different. I think maybe the kindest thing is to keep paying for that as you've always done it (although I do recognise the unfairness).

Sweetener12 · 14/06/2022 08:24

YANBU, it's not your job and, frankly speaking, I wouldn't even do a smartshow 3d video for him. The teens can sort it out themselves.

Crocky · 14/06/2022 08:28

I agree with those saying it’s not your job but I think you need to reframe this.
You have been doing this for your children, not their father.
If it was me I would continue doing it as long as it is what the children want and they are too young to have the money to sort it out themselves.

Original poster
PrettyLittleCryer · 14/06/2022 08:28

Benjaminsniddlegrass · 13/06/2022 20:45

I'm a 'step mother' to three DSC since a few years in I've supported them to get their dad a gift/card. They are young adults now but I will drop them occasional prompts. Their mother doesn't have a partner so when they were younger we'd grab a bottle of wine/flowers for them to give etc, nothing major. Anyhoo my thinking is I'd leave it to their household to sort.

@Benjaminsniddlegrass yes I'm a bit surprised at all those so vehemently saying this is nothing to do with stepmum. I have nothing against her at all, she's really nice and although she's only been around 5 years whilst my own DH has been in the kids' lives pretty much forever so it isn't quite the same, I know she doesn't view herself as 'separate' from them because she posts social posts about parenting and tons of pics with them etc. So, if anything, I felt it may just be a bit of naivety on her part to not have thought about it or the fact the DCs haven't brought it up with her....I'm pretty sure if they or I spoke to her, she'd be happy to be involved especially as she's marrying their dad so fathers day for him is a 'family' thing to do, whatever the source of the kids!

OP posts:
Original poster
PrettyLittleCryer · 14/06/2022 08:32

I'm not bothered that he's never got me anything for mothers day by the way, either. It's not a tit for tat thing. It just feels really odd that all these years later I'm still buying fathers day gifts for my ex - but as lots of people have said, perhaps I need to see it as buying things the kids want, and the fact it is for my ex is irrelevant. My DH doesn't have an issue with it so maybe I shouldn't either, just doesn't sit quite right with me. The unreciprocated fact just makes it feel weirder, not because I want things from him, just because it highlights the oddness of the situation.

OP posts:
BiscoffSundae · 14/06/2022 08:34

PrettyLittleCryer · 14/06/2022 08:28

@Benjaminsniddlegrass yes I'm a bit surprised at all those so vehemently saying this is nothing to do with stepmum. I have nothing against her at all, she's really nice and although she's only been around 5 years whilst my own DH has been in the kids' lives pretty much forever so it isn't quite the same, I know she doesn't view herself as 'separate' from them because she posts social posts about parenting and tons of pics with them etc. So, if anything, I felt it may just be a bit of naivety on her part to not have thought about it or the fact the DCs haven't brought it up with her....I'm pretty sure if they or I spoke to her, she'd be happy to be involved especially as she's marrying their dad so fathers day for him is a 'family' thing to do, whatever the source of the kids!

Show quote history

Maybe she didn’t want to step on your toes?! Maybe she doesn’t know that you don’t like getting things for him from the kids! Loads of step mums get flamed for treading on the mums toes so seems you can’t win either way.

Original poster
PrettyLittleCryer · 14/06/2022 08:37

@BiscoffSundae yes, possibly. No ill feeling on her here at all. My original question is simply around a) is it even inappropriate to feel I shouldn't be doing this b) if not, should I go down the route of talking to stepmum I guess, for exactly the reasons you state.

OP posts:
Cocowatermelon · 14/06/2022 08:37

Could you start giving them a small amount of cash to buy the father’s day card/birthday gift. Maybe 5pounds? Enough for a token gift but not enough to make any impact on your finances. Stop once they get old enough to have significant allowance money that they manage (for their clothes and toiletries for example) or old enough to get an after school or holiday job.

Pinkyxx · 14/06/2022 08:38

I don't think you're BU. When DD was little I would always get ex birthday, Christmas & father's day card & present. She's early teens now so I remind her a few times to do it, but it's up to her to do. If she wants help or for me to pay for something, I will but it's got to come from her not me. Ex has never reciprocated, except on a couple of occasions where DD begged him even though he insists DD to do mother's day, birthday & Christmas for her step mum....

The step mum thing is tricky, some step mums take on a ''mother'' role others do not.. if she's the latter she may well offer.

Cocowatermelon · 14/06/2022 08:38

Put the kids entirely in charge of choosing and buying the present. They can come with you to the supermarket on a normal shop for example and buy it then.

Cocowatermelon · 14/06/2022 08:40

And only give the money if they ask for it. It doesn’t need to be your job to remind them to get their dad a present.

billy1966 · 14/06/2022 08:47

Noisyprat · 13/06/2022 20:42

Your boys are old enough to get him some chocolate or something from the local shop. I despair really m, you seem to think it's a woman's job to buy presents/sort things out and you are teaching your boys this. No wonder men are so bloody useless. Get a grip OP, tell your boys to make a card and sort out a gift within their budget. Perhaps they could make him some biscuits or something!

Absolutely this.

I cannot believe you are doing this for teens.

Hand it over to them and tell them buy a packet of biscuits and make a card.

I have gotten both from mine over the years.

caringcarer · 14/06/2022 09:45

Tell DC they are old enough now to learn to budget and get gifts out of their allowance. Talk to ex and suggests he contributes to their personal allowance. Spell it out for him that they going forward will use allowance to source gifts for family themselves. Increase allowance by £1 per month yourself and of ex does the same problem solved.

Kitkatcatflap · 14/06/2022 09:52

Is there a way for the kids to earn some money for a gift? I know they are young teens so they won't be able to get jobs but may be a couple of jobs around the home - gardening, washing the car, sorting out stuff etc. Then you give the money earned to them to buy a gift. It will feel less like you have paid for it.

BadAtMaths2 · 14/06/2022 09:55

It wouldn't occur to me as a step mum to get my DH a father's day card from his kids. It's their mum's job - or their mum's job to suggest the kids do it themselves. It's not hard for them to make a card if you don't want them to pop down the shops. Or just knock it on the head.

BadAtMaths2 · 14/06/2022 09:56

Just read your update - maybe she isn't doing it as she doesn't want to step on your toes....

Shedcity · 14/06/2022 09:59

DCs want to give dad a gift. They can’t afford to. So surely what they want is more important than you being right.

ask them to ask step mum
or you get on with it

BaaCake · 14/06/2022 09:59

PrettyLittleCryer · 14/06/2022 08:37

@BiscoffSundae yes, possibly. No ill feeling on her here at all. My original question is simply around a) is it even inappropriate to feel I shouldn't be doing this b) if not, should I go down the route of talking to stepmum I guess, for exactly the reasons you state.

Yes its OK for you to think it should come to an end and you leave gifting stuff to the kids to sort out now they are this age. I'd suggest it to dad after this father's day.

Absolutely do not speak to stepmum. It is nothing to do with her.

BahHumbug2 · 14/06/2022 10:05

Anyway - the expectation has always been that I buy fathers day and bday gifts from the kids to my ex. I've quietly suggested to them that now they're older, they could have the convo with "stepmum" about taking this on but I guess they are embarrassed to.

Ermmm or they could just buy them themselves? Confused

BahHumbug2 · 14/06/2022 10:07

I don't get why they can't just save a quid for a bar of chocolate and make him a card. They are teens!

cushioncovers · 14/06/2022 10:11

It's time your dc started sorting it out op. If they're old enough to work they are old enough to get their father a Father's Day card and present. This is just another life lesson they have to learn as they become adults.

GlitteryGreen · 14/06/2022 10:39

Shoxfordian · 13/06/2022 17:42

Now they’re teenagers they should be doing it themselves out of their allowances

Agree with this. Teens should be doing it for themselves now.

Dishvtidyxtkep · 20/12/2022 04:34

As a child of divorce - my mum had primary custody she sorted out Father’s Day until our step mum took over when she had kids with my dad which was about 5 years after they spit (I was around 5). My step dad sorted mothers day.

As a now step mum - we sort out Father’s Day as it’s in our household and we facilitate the buying of DP’s son a gift for his mum for Mother’s Day, birthdays and Christmas as there is no one else to get for her.

Kinneddar · 20/12/2022 05:03

Why on earth would someone resurrect a thread about Fathers Day a week before Christmas 🤔

lefty82 · 20/12/2022 05:19

What happens at birthdays, Christmas etc?

Neither me or my ex buy each other presents from the kids for any occasion.

Its not your responsibility, is it not easier for you to give them money / help to get you a gift for mothers day and let your ex sort out his own gifts.

Up to him if he involve step mum in that?