to be wound up in advance by a visit to SIL tomo?

[tyaca]

actually, IABVU... but just wanted some sympathy and to be told i'm not such a bad person.

i am seeing my SIL and my new baby neice tomo and i'm dreading it and feel quite annoyed in advance. i shouldnt be getting so wound up, so why am i??

i am 34 wks with first, they just had their first in mid dec. this is the first time i will see the baby, despite living in same town. and only cause my mum has arranged this all. i am not pushy, but of the two texts i sent before saying congrats and would love to see you, first was ignored and second was fobbed off. my dad has only seen them once, and first time he went, he was sent away without seeing them and was v upset about it over xmas. the only pics communication we have had with pics etc was an email which was a forward from her family to ours ;-( and included loads of other people. and i have had to show my parents the pics they've uploaded onto facebook instead including loads of her with her family.

fine. having a new baby v stressful and prob i am just underestimating it myself. except that they can afford a fulltime maternity nurse who is living with them. i guess i am quite jealous, not that they have a nurse, but just that they have an income that beats ours by 14 times or so, and she hasnt had to work. my bro has always worked hard and i've always been v proud of him for it and not a prob before but sometimes i find her so damn prescious, it really rubs me up the wrong way.

she keeps a blog online which i rarely read but now i confess i've read the last few posts and i get so wound up. i feel she can be v judgemental of others. she's making such a big deal about breast feeding, and all her talk is about the routine her LO is already in. i really cannot be bothered to be patronised. she is really quite humourless and takes herself v seriously. i should just let it all wash over me, but i KNOW i will get so wound up tomo.

At first i was really upset by their lack of contact when the Lo was born. Now i am just dreading tomo and wish i could put it off til a bigger family gathering, when i have my DH's support. My mum arranged it all, and then i got a phone call from my bro yesterday to check in advance that i didnt have anything infectious at the mo (when my mum first saw their baby, they made her wash her hands twice before giving baby a cuddle)

yes yes, IABVU, but not sure why. please help me to be a better person. i dont think she has any idea idea how much she grates.

oooooh she sounds very over-PFB (everyone is a bit PFB )

Good luck- and remember

Did you like her before she had her baby?

She does sound a pain in the rump to be honest. I sympathise with you a lot because my DH's family a lot like this - unless things are done exactly as they want them, they go in a strop.

That's the trouble with routines as well - first time mums tend to get v. stressed out if there's any disruption to them. The baby will probably just sleep anywhere if it's tired.

I've heard this on MN elsewhere and think it good advice. Be super nice, super friendly, super accommodating. That way you can't be faulted. Ever.

When you have your baby, you can amaze everyone (if you feel that way mind) by being ultra relaxed, letting your baby find its own routine etc.

NB Breastfeeding is a good thing though!

be ultra nice and think of the cast-offs! You can't change how she is or make her see how annoying she is, so change how you are. See it as an opportunity to witness the chaos of the first born.

Also having a maternity nurse just delays the inevitable having to cope with a newborn baby. God you've just had a baby, you must be INSANE to want to give it to someone else to look after. Ewwwwww. IMO I think it's a bit weird.

I'm a first time mum (ds is 18 days old) and I think your sil is a bit of a fruitloop!
Can't believe she made your mum wash her hands before giving her dd a cuddle!!!
I guess there are different degrees of PFB symdrome, I feel very laid back compared to her
I don't think YABU, but it might be an occasion when you will have to grin and bear it, for your brother's and your little nieces sake.
Go tomorrow, and have a stiff drink (better make it a very little one!) when you get home.

In defence of your sil (well,vaguely) all this hype of norovirus, mrsa etc may well have made them more scrupulous re: handling of their pfb than might otherwise have been the case. They may well have be shown to in hospital and the mw/hv who have been near as a matter of routine. Although of course it could just be an extension of a pre-existing neurosis or ocd. Think of her as an example of how to alienate the family and make mental notes as to what you will do differently.

HaventSleptForAYear, your SIl is patently of your ds's advancedness! Rise above it!

Look on the bright side. With that sort of regimented upbringing, her daughter will be living in a squat and sharing drugs with her musician boyfriend by the time she's 17. Just wait - you'll have the last laugh. Don't let you son become a musician, though, just in case.

So let me get this clear - your SIL is the one who is judgemental?

Personally I wouldn't dream of holding a newborn without washing my hands. YABU if you take offence at that. There's an epidemic of stomach virus out there in case you hadn't noticed!

I think you are looking for things to criticize tbh.

Do you think she might be dreading your visit?

you are right chipcookie, i am being v judgmental. i have no idea why i am draeding this so much. i just wish it hadnt been arranged and that first time i saw them i was at least with DH so he could help me laugh it off afterwards. she doesnt mean anything bad at all, i am just very hormonal i think and obsessing.

i have got myself into a right state about this tbh and now i havent slept and want to call this off .

and just to say i am not offended at the washing hands thing. and am always v consciencous about bugs and things like that eg when i had a bug and seeing other SIL (DH's sis) when she pg i of course rang first to check she ok with me coming.

I'd be dreading it too tyaca- hope it's better than expected. I probably wouldn't bother holding the baby unless she drops it in your lap- sounds too much hassle - smile sweetly and offer to make everyone a cup of tea (hands washed first of course ) then you can hide in the kitchen and mutter at the kettle. Good luck!

I think you have let this wind you up too much (the pg hormones are probably to blame for this partly). Your SIL has been fairly unreasonable. Yes I know it is hard having a baby but I don't think it is too much to expect to let the grandmother visit more than twice in the first month. But I think you have let it niggle away at you, so you have blown little details up, making yourself look judgemental and unreasonable, when you are not. And I think you recognise this yourself but sometimes it is hard to break the cycle.

I don't think you look judgemental - you just sound as if she's winding you up immensely (she would me too- I think over precioussness is the on thing that makes me itch). Honestly go there today, smile sweetly, think gentle thoughts, make a cup of tea of two and let it all wash over you. Then go home, shut the door and scream!

Lol, your sis in law sounds exactly like me after ds was born. in fairness I knew I was being a bit bonkers but also remember thinking 'i've been through a tough birth and am exhausted and hormonal. They could just indulge me for a little while.' I think the problem is that you have the same hormones! The idea of going into the kitchen and making tea is a good one. Good luck.

Oh and maternity nurses make me itch as well God the more I read the more sorry I feel for you (am reading backwards- missed the maternity nurse first time round).

Dot feel bad tyaca

Its really hard to get alone with everyone and she sound a bit difficult just try and relax and don't go if you don't want to!!

I have to go to a family gathering with my SIL who i do not get alone with and im 22 weeks preg on Saturday so you do have my sympathy's

Good luck xxx

Dear Tyaca. I feel a bit for your SIL because I was a bit like her! Still am. I had my DD in February here in the US - I was told before I left the hospital to limit contact with family and not to let the baby near kids (esp those in nursey or school) becasue there was so much rotovirus around. So the hand washing is just good hygiene.

It is her baby. Do you think your family might be a bit overpowering? If she is b/f she will may feel really uncomfortable when other people are holding the baby. I had a neighbour grab my DD and hold her for ten minutes - it felt like forever.

I really don't think you can condemn her for the blog, nurse or routine. I didn't have a mat-nurse but I understand that it's their job to get you in a routine for when they leave. Otherwise you'd fall apart!

Let us know how you get on. I really think that if you are struggling with the realtionship then she is doubtless struggling, too.

Sounds like a normal case of PFB (hers) and normal pregnancy hormones (yours). You have my sympathy - I am due in 3 weeks and my poor family are having to walk round me as if on eggshells.

I suggest you don't read her blog (it will just wind you up) and don't let her give you too much unsolicited advice when your lo arrives.

Hopefully in a few months everything will be a bit less tense and the cousins will get on famously.

tyaca how did it go today?