Can you tell someone is an only child?

[AllAloneInThisHouse]

I’ve had few times people say to me ”Oh, that males sense!” after they found oit I’m an only child.
What does that mean?

Also, why is there stereotype that only children are selfish and don’t care about others?
I’ve never seen correlation between selfishness and being an only child.
Plenty of people that have siblings has been selfish.

magic it’s that kind of fawning that doesn’t help only children. Many children are sweet and kind not just your child 😬
There is a distinct lack of acknowledgement that spending most of your life with adults is not always a good thing and some children find it difficult to connect properly with their peers.

I can’t tell. I come from a larger family and had a large family. Honestly if I said “that explains it” in response to finding out someone was an only child I would probably mean “that explains why you have so much time and aren’t constantly engaged in family related stuff”. My siblings and their children take time. Birthday cards/presents/texts/visits/drama/…. Nobody is particularly awful or anything but each individual takes a bit of time.

This is quite an interesting topic.

My Dm is an only, I'm one of 3 girls and my dd is an only. Can't think of any negative traits my mum has from being an only, but I remember her being so upset when my sisters and I would fight, and say horrid things to one another, just not understanding the sibling dynamic.

I don't think my dd has picked up on any negative traits from being an only, she's definitely good and sharing and considerate of others. Far more so than her friends who have siblings, and far more than me at her age.

I think my eldest daughter is a particularly sweet child. She has a kind (almost to a fault) and gentle nature that just shines through her. The type of child who would take the shirt off her back if you said she liked it. She’s also the second of four children.

It’s normal to say your child has a certain personality and it’s not specific to only children. That poster was just saying in contrast to the ‘only children are selfish’ stereotype, that her child isn’t selfish but is in fact kind.

Maybe their “peers” are just little shits..? I’ve never liked other children as a child (and don’t like most other adults as an adult!) - you’d probably say that’s because I am an only child, but my daughter who’s the youngest of 3 doesnt either. Outside of her brothers, she refuses to talk to other kids and would rather play with me or her dad. My sons on the other hand are more sociable with other kids, although DS1 prefers kids slightly older than him. DS2 will talk to anyone. It’s not all down to whether you have siblings or not.

Yes, don't they know that I arrange play dates to keep my children entertained, not to have to be more involved 😉

I don't think it's odd that certain positions in a family structure, or certain factors in your upbringing create certain personality traits. Like anything these will be outweighed or influenced by individual personality traits, but surely it's not a slight on only children (or any other child) to mention specific characteristics that are pretty common.

I am an oldest child, I get the "that explains it". I am not offended by that. My son is the youngest, some people say they can tell. I am not offended by that either. I think the offence comes from the societal idea that you should"give" your child a sibling and then guilt of parents who can't or won't do that, who then get defensive. From what I have seen there is zero need to pity only children. Most of the ones I know have great parents who ensure that they get loads of socialising with other children, and most of them get a level of parental input and support (emotional, time wise, money wise etc) that very few parents of more children could compete with.

The “selfish” or “my needs first” stereotype is a load of rubbish. In many ways it’s the reverse. When I first lived away from home, I was genuinely shocked to discover that people would take the last of something without seeing what others needed or wanted. You’d offer them a chocolate and they’d eat the whole box. As an only I was brought up to share and think of others, almost to a fault!

@ForestFae
I’m an only child of an only child. What traits did they show, out of interest? I’m really curious about this!

I wrote a whole paper on the research at that time, sorry is far too much to summarise in a very short paragraph and given this is AIBU on MNs we know certain PPs will argue by taking it out of context so I'm not sure that'll be helpful!

But for eg there are several measurable traits (neither negative nor positive) that were statistically significant in correlation with Only Children (do more only children than would been expected if random, would show that trait (-ie NOT EVERY Only child nor does it mean no children with siblings would have that trait!!) The statistical significance was higher for Onlys of Onlys- the latter studies were from rather hard to find research papers of some studies (as not many were designed that way, given large scale of study required for small numbers of subjects with those variables).

So those things like self reliance and autonomy, internal locus of control rather than external (believing in your actions having significant impact ), slightly higher Academic higher achievement on average, higher levels of compliance with authority , less rule breaking and better scores on punctuality and attendance at school- just as a tiny snippet!

I'd suspect correlations would be lower now with easier electronic social communication and general changes in how families interact and spend their free time compared to 30 years ago when family life tended to be slightly more home and 'in person' interaction focused. (Longitudinal studies are always 20 years behind due to their very design! )

@ForestFae
There's so few Onlys of Onlys in terms of study size (number of subjects) that show up in research that it's generally not discussed much.

I'm not loving being an only child now. My dad's no longer alive, my mum is in poor health and I'm all alone with dealing with it while neglecting what I think is quite complex grief over my dad.

But having siblings doesn't guarantee sharing the responsibility. My DH is one of 3 and he is the one dealing with his mum's dementia/selling her house/sorting a care home/sorting his dad's funeral. One sibling is dead, the other NC. I thought I had a great relationship with my older sis but she is refusing to have anything to do with my dad and his mental health issues in a care home/sorting out finances for my mum etc. My resentment is growing and actually when my parents die I'm not sure what will remain of our relationship.

@Tiani4 as the only of two onlys I completely recognise the paragraph you have included above. That just about sums me up but it also sums up many attributes required for success.

One thing I can't stand is noise for the sake of noise. My MIL and step (both from big families) have to dominate conversations but talking over people and neither are particularly collaborative in their approaches and the shouting, oh God, the shouting. The bellowing through a house of a question to be asked or to call someone to dinner. They are incapable of walking to the door of another room and making a quiet request. I have before now had to say to MIL "look if you want to speak to me, please come and speak to me; I am not going to shout from room to room".

The most self absorbed person I know is a twin, from a wider family of six.
World revolves around them and their needs.

I am an only child .I dont feel any different to anyone else and would be upset if anyone thought so ,Youngest children can also be spoilt ,oldest made a lot of and so on .Its a lazy stereotype trotted out again and again . My parents gave me a good childhood, and my DGP looked after me while they worked .I am certainly not "entitled"!

Interesting. I don’t fit that pattern very much - I am very anti authority and rubbish at time keeping, but I have ADHD which I suspect has more influence on personality than birth order.

I'd suspect correlations would be lower now with easier electronic social communication and general changes in how families interact and spend their free time compared to 30 years ago when family life tended to be slightly more home and 'in person' interaction focused. (Longitudinal studies are always 20 years behind due to their very design! )

I also wonder if the experience of being an only child has changed as it's become more and more common. Older only children I know often felt a bit unusual, whereas there are a lot more only children now and it's pretty unremarkable (though, as this thread shows, there are still prejudices - my own, completely unscientific, sense is that older people are more likely to believe that only children are disadvantaged or to be pitied).

I'm an only. This wound me up hugely. I was told constantly when I was growing up that I was selfish and spoiled. I was most certainly not.

This. I'm an only child and when l was younger people said to me that l must be spoiled. Believe me, l wasn't.
But my mother, who was the youngest of four, was unbelievably selfish and entitled. And ungrateful.

Youngest children can be spoilt but will have their siblings knocking the worst out.
Not all only children are spoilt, it would be ridiculous to say that. But some only children are very spoilt and it does show when they are an adult.

But some only children are very spoilt and it does show when they are an adult.

And some children with siblings are very spoilt and it shows when they're adults. I could introduce you to several , including two siblings of 7 I know who colluded to deprive their other siblings of their inheritance.

Do people seriously think that you can't have negative personality traits if you have siblings? That's just insane.

most of my best friends are only children. “That makes sense” to me is because most only children tend to be intelligent, independent and some of my favourite people. 🤷🏻‍♀️

I’m one of two and I’d love a second child, but I can guarantee that the most ‘spoilt’ people I’ve met, if I had to generalise, have been the youngest kid in a family or 2 or 3.

dw op take it on the chin. You know they’re being stupid. :)

Absolutely. And the more siblings there are, the easier it is for some or most to hide away when they’re needed. I am one of a large family and often felt like an only child when the chips were down with care for elderly parents.

The only only I know who fits the stereotype in my SILs child. They went through hell to conceive and then he was premature and sick for a long time. So SIL treated him like a king - think of the Dursleys. He still seems to think the world revolves around him as a young man.

My two closest friends are both only children (they are friends with each other too). One likes being an only and the other doesn’t - the one who doesn’t has a personality that is much more akin to a stereotypical only child. I don’t even really have a point and my sample of two obvious isn’t going to prove anything, but there is a huge variety of personalities amongst all people, including those that share a common characteristic (being an only child in this case). Some people will live up to stereotypes and others won’t.

Adults treat children differently from how children treat other children.
Only children brought up with very close cousins or friends in and out of the house all the time will have similar treatment to children with siblings.
It is the rough and tumble of other children who will not accept another child acting like they are the most important person in the world always.

The spoilt only child I know is a child of much older parents who in many cases acted more like traditional grandparents with much spoiling. All her cousins were much older and older teenagers and although she had friends she spent a lot of time with her parents. That led to some good outcomes such as confidence and good educational attainment. She is a perfectly nice woman, but with a streak of still thinking the world revolves around her.

I do think you can tell an only child, although not always of course. There are exceptions.

I've had so many friends that are only children over the years, it's like I attract them. In fact my friends as a teen and young adult were almost exclusively only children or people with one sibling with whom they had a large age gap. That can't be a coincidence surely.

I am the younger child with a very headstrong sibling. I think I was conditioned to be a pushover and only children are drawn to me for that reason.

This is all a generalisation. But it must be nearly impossible to replicate the daily compromises that children with siblings make, such as the arguments over which seat in the car you can have, and what you can watch on TV. I have memories for example of not being 'allowed' to order a burger at macdonalds or pizza at a pizza restaurant because that's what my DB liked and he wouldn't let me have the same thing as him (I'd have nuggets or pasta instead so it wasn't like I starved). There is a steady stream of small and fairly innocuous unfairnesses and compromises like that which children with siblings experience and that teach them that they aren't special. Other examples include being given a nice toy or clothes and it being swiped or broken almost immediately, with no consequences. That happened too many times to count and is a fairly common experience for children with siblings. Or the time that we were supposed to have dessert (a rare occasion in my health conscious family!) but suddenly the privilege was revoked due to misbehaviour by a sibling. These seemingly innocuous daily events culminate over the years and are character forming. Compromise becomes the default and minor unfairnesses are accepted as part of life.

Another trait I've noticed in only children is that they are are often a little unhappy or dissatisfied with their lives. I think having a sibling that goes through the same crap you do helps you keep things in perspective so you spend less time feeling sorry for yourself.
I have an only child friend who tells me she is traumatised because she saw her DF drunk ONCE as a ten year old (no violence or vomit or anything like that, just stumbling around). Nobody with siblings would lose perspective like that. We'd just laugh about it.