He's sulking because I pulled him up on leaving the baby to cry

[MiserableAsFuccck7]

Earlier this evening.

DD (3) had just had a bath, I was drying and plaiting her hair in the living room. It takes a bit of time due to her hair type and is fiddly. As I'm doing this.. baby DS (7 months) starts to cry. He's in the same room in his travel cot. He's teething and was overly tired so wouldnt settle. DH was trying to settle him by giving him his dummy, patting his bum etc - I'd already given him anbesol at this point.

DH says "oh come on DS I want to go for a cigarette"

DS still isn't settling. Crying.

DH says "I'm off for a fag" and just walks off leaving him to cry. Basically leaving it to me whilst I'm busy with DD.

I had to stop doing DD's hair, lost my place and went over to him. I put some white noise on my phone. He settles. White noise works well.

Now I admit I did huff after DH "Jesus you could have put on some white noise or something before walking off and leaving it to me when I'm in the middle of something, it only takes 20 seconds"

DH is now in a mood and sulking because I picked him up on it. He's acting as though I've had a massive go at him and he's done nothing wrong. I wasn't going to carry it on. I vented my frustration with the comment above and that was that, except now he's sulking.

I asked why he's sulking and he said "I didn't just walk off and leave him crying, I'd already left the room when he started crying again" which is an outright lie. He walked off when he was already crying.

Unfortunately the sulking is his go-to defence mechanism whenever somebody pulls him up on something. It may or may not be a neurodiversity thing (no dx but may well be on the spectrum)

So was I being unreasonable to be annoyed with him?

IMO sulking is a red flag. I am sorry but IME they only get worse and you end up walking on eggshells and doing everything yourself.

Oh bugger this thread has been posted twice, I tried submitting whilst the site was crashing and didnt think it had posted. I'll report the other one (anyone else feel free to do so too)

Sounds like a twat. My DH has done it sometimes before, can’t cope, makes a shit choice then doesn’t want to acknowledge it.

I usually wait a bit then discuss and he takes it onboard.

I have (rather childish) reciprocated his behaviour and just reiterated his reasoning. He got the idea. (Not in regards the kids though, wouldn’t deliberately upset them to make a point).

Crying babies can be hard and we all have a limit but this was not the way to handle it, I would try and discuss that with him.

That's what has happened IMO, he made a shit choice and doesn't want to acknowledge it so instead of just saying "OK that wasn't the best thing to do in the moment" he doubles down and sulks to make me feel as though I'm attacking him for nothing.

The fact he tried to tell me he'd already left the room when DS started crying again is crazy making. He didn't stop crying once in the time between him trying to settle him and him leaving the room.

I did say to him it's perfectly OK to leave the room if you're feeling overwhelmed by a crying baby etc, and I would never have a pop at him for that, but he wasn't overwhelmed he was just craving a cigarette.

He's now denying sulking 🙄

He left the room as he didn't want to deal with the baby. Of course yanbu that is his child and he basically said you can deal with it. He needs to learn how to parent.

given that he has two young children he should be giving up smoking. Even if he does it outside, it stinks, is expensive (could use the money to buy things for the kids) and shortens your life. I don’t care if that sounds judgemental.

Urgh do your dc not smell of smoke?

No the children don't smell of smoke.

What a pathetic man-child.

This would give me the ick - if fags are more important to him that his baby l couldn't see past that so no yanbu

"oh come on DS I want to go for a cigarette" I'd have a huge problem with this. I used to smoke so I understand a slight craving. However, if it's affecting his ability to care for his children it needs addressing. Leaving a crying baby because you "need" a cigarette/alcohol/chocolate etc isn't normal. Does he work? Would he just leave his workstation/a meeting/even a chat with a colleague because he couldn't possibly manage a single second longer without a cigarette?

Nice attempt at gaslighting too where he claimed the baby had stopped crying.

No the children don't smell of smoke. I can pretty much guarantee they do unless he never goes anywhere near them (which may well be the case).

Your children smell of smoke. Sorry, it's the truth.

Just wanted to say it’s important he change his clothes when he’s had a cigarette, as even breathing in the smoke from clothes can increase the risk of cot death (got read the riot act some years ago by the HV over this one). He needs to admit he made a bad choice? Maybe when he’s calmed down he will?

Regarding the smoking, as I said - no the children definitely don't smell of smoke. If DD went to nursery stinking of cigarettes they would absolutely tell me about it.

I had already spoken to the health visitor about it myself. The advice was for him to smoke away from the house, change his clothes and wash his hands afterwards. He does.

He is an adult and can smoke if he wants to. His decision and sounds like he goes out to smoke. All well and good.

Sounds like he had a moment and made a bad decision. He knows it's a bad decision and feels bad about it.

Leave him to it! He'll get over it!

Your children smell of smoke. Sorry, it's the truth

highly likely.

I'd sulk his arse over hot coal.

I despise sulking.

I've no other words about it that won't seem unkind.

I hate the fact my partner smokes but absolutely refute the suggestion that my children must stink of smoke because he smokes! He smokes outside at the bottom of the garden, has a jacket that he puts on (kept in shed) whilst smoking so the smell doesnt stick to his clothes and washes his hands as soon as he comes in.

my children do not stink of smoke.

For the third and final time, the children do not smell of smoke. I won't be responding to comments like that anymore.

I don't see the point in getting on at me about his smoking, I don't endorse it. He's a grown man, as PP said, he can smoke if he wants to.

Thanks D0lphine you're probably right.

When he un-sulks and admits his wrongdoings have a chat with him about his sulking, it's used as a method to shut the other person down, preventing them from an honest discussion.

Advise him it's controlling behaviour even if unintentionall it is a slippy slope.

Thank you I definitely will.

It does exactly that. There's no way to have a constructive conversation when he's doing it.

I asked him why he's always got to sulk whenever there's a crossed word. He said he wasn't sulking, I said well you clearly are and you often do, he said lots of people sulk it's a reaction to being offended.

I'd rather him tell me I've offended him than have him sulk and bring down the atmosphere.

Sulking is a classic tactic designed to train someone not to say or do things the sulker doesn't like. In this xase, he does not want you to tell him when his behaviour is not ok or more accurately, he wants to be able to do whatever he likes without any consequences.

Sulking is deeply unattractive and manipulative. Potentially abusive. I would guess this isn't the first time he has used Sulking as a way to ensure he is able to do whatever he likes in the future. I'd also put money on him having all kinds of additional shitty behaviours.

@Mariposista

not every penny you earn has to be spent on your kids