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AIBU?

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Original poster

He's sulking because I pulled him up on leaving the baby to cry

81 replies

MiserableAsFuccck7 · 12/06/2022 22:37

Earlier this evening.

DD (3) had just had a bath, I was drying and plaiting her hair in the living room. It takes a bit of time due to her hair type and is fiddly. As I'm doing this.. baby DS (7 months) starts to cry. He's in the same room in his travel cot. He's teething and was overly tired so wouldnt settle. DH was trying to settle him by giving him his dummy, patting his bum etc - I'd already given him anbesol at this point.

DH says "oh come on DS I want to go for a cigarette"

DS still isn't settling. Crying.

DH says "I'm off for a fag" and just walks off leaving him to cry. Basically leaving it to me whilst I'm busy with DD.

I had to stop doing DD's hair, lost my place and went over to him. I put some white noise on my phone. He settles. White noise works well.

Now I admit I did huff after DH "Jesus you could have put on some white noise or something before walking off and leaving it to me when I'm in the middle of something, it only takes 20 seconds"

DH is now in a mood and sulking because I picked him up on it. He's acting as though I've had a massive go at him and he's done nothing wrong. I wasn't going to carry it on. I vented my frustration with the comment above and that was that, except now he's sulking.

I asked why he's sulking and he said "I didn't just walk off and leave him crying, I'd already left the room when he started crying again" which is an outright lie. He walked off when he was already crying.

Unfortunately the sulking is his go-to defence mechanism whenever somebody pulls him up on something. It may or may not be a neurodiversity thing (no dx but may well be on the spectrum)

So was I being unreasonable to be annoyed with him?

OP posts:
sweeneytoddsrazor · 13/06/2022 00:07

Sulking is not a great trait. How long had he been trying to settle baby? There were times I left mine crying for 5 mins if they wouldn't settle to go and have a cup of tea or just a break because it can get frustrating and I would have been mighty pissed off if my partner had pulled me up on it. This was always after a long time of trying though

Original poster
MiserableAsFuccck7 · 13/06/2022 00:21

He'd been trying to settle baby for 5 minutes or thereabouts.

If it were a case of him feeling a bit overwhelmed and him saying said that he just needed a breather as the crying is getting a bit much I wouldn't have said anything huffy. It's the fact he just wanted a cigarette and wanted it there and then and thought nothing of walking off to leave me to deal with our crying baby when I already had my hands full.

He said he wasn't expecting me to stop what I was doing and go over to baby, so I asked whether he was expecting me to just leave him to cry then, no he says..

Just say you made a bad judgement call or put yourself first in the moment ffs 😑

OP posts:
sweeneytoddsrazor · 13/06/2022 00:26

Well 5 mins is pretty shit. I was thinking more along the lines of an hour

Satsumaonaplate · 13/06/2022 02:55

Even if he smokes outside it makes no difference, the smoke is on HIM and his clothes, and that is what causes the harm to your children. They are at risk of glue ear etc and you are massively unreasonable for allowing that. I can't believe people still smoke in this day and age tbh

Satsumaonaplate · 13/06/2022 02:57

MiserableAsFuccck7 · 12/06/2022 23:40

Regarding the smoking, as I said - no the children definitely don't smell of smoke. If DD went to nursery stinking of cigarettes they would absolutely tell me about it.

I had already spoken to the health visitor about it myself. The advice was for him to smoke away from the house, change his clothes and wash his hands afterwards. He does.

So he changes his entire outfit EVERY time he has a cigarette? Are you sure? ...

EmmiJay · 13/06/2022 03:49

Why are people still hung up on the smoking?! He's grown, let him smoke..?? The OP already addressed all that, get over it. Anyway, I don't think OP was wrong for bringing up that he could have been more helpful with the baby. He sulked and is most likely embarrassed he let his craving get the better of him in that moment! He'll think twice next time...hopefully.

pictish · 13/06/2022 05:05

Stop banging on about the smoking folks. It’s none of your business and the OP didn’t ask for advice about it. Telling her that her children smell of smoke is just sticking the boot in isn’t it? Please fuck off.

OP sulking isn’t good. It’s like someone else says, it’s designed to punish you for daring to criticise. Create an atmosphere until the other person smooths it over then get away scot free. It’s a shitty and deliberate tactic to avoid accountability.

In other news, I don’t think leaving the baby to cry was the worst thing in the world anyway. They cry. And cry. Sometimes a wee time out is required. No babies were harmed in the making of this opinion.

DifficultBloodyWoman · 13/06/2022 05:42

Pay attention to his actions, not to his words.

He prioritised having a cigarette over calming his crying baby.

violetbunny · 13/06/2022 05:46

The sulking is totally unacceptable, as are the lying and gaslighting (telling you he's not sulking when he is, so he can make you out to be the unreasonable one).

You know you don't need to get him to admit to any of this behaviour to leave? Just call him on his bullshit, tell him you KNOW he's doing it, you're not putting up with it anymore and he needs to leave. Don't get into a debate about it, just tell him you no longer feel happy so it's over. He can't argue about how you feel!

Giraffesandbottoms · 13/06/2022 05:47

He prioritised having a cigarette over calming his crying baby

this.

Shoxfordian · 13/06/2022 06:03

Sulking is a huge red flag - he’s trying to make you feel like you can’t say anything to him about his behaviour because he’ll sulk

I doubt this is the first time he’s acted like a knob

Artwodeetoo · 13/06/2022 06:20

I doubt he couldn't wait a few minutes for a cigarette, he just couldn't be arsed and saw it as an excuse. I wouldn't want him anywhere near either child after smoking though, rather settle them myself if he's that selfish he can't quit.

BaaCake · 13/06/2022 06:23

That is an absolutely horrible thing for him to have said to his child. Basically "shut up I want a smoke".

Soontobe60 · 13/06/2022 06:27

The fact that you’re more bothered about him “sulking” with you than about him prioritising his desire for a smoke over the needs of his child speaks volumes.
compounding it by saying he might be ND doesn’t help. He’s just an arse!

Mariposista · 13/06/2022 07:34

LuckySantangelo35 · 13/06/2022 00:02

@Mariposista

not every penny you earn has to be spent on your kids

Show quote history

Correct, but I can think of a dozen better things to spend it on rather than cigarettes

pictish · 13/06/2022 07:51

Soontobe60 · 13/06/2022 06:27

The fact that you’re more bothered about him “sulking” with you than about him prioritising his desire for a smoke over the needs of his child speaks volumes.
compounding it by saying he might be ND doesn’t help. He’s just an arse!

And you’re a peach of course.
ffs

EmeraldShamrock1 · 13/06/2022 08:18

His sulking is a learned reaction he has picked up throughout life.

It has to stop.

It was my rule when I started dating DP 16 years ago.

My ex was the worst for sulking he was an emotional man-child who couldn't deal with any constructive criticism.

Mycatishere · 13/06/2022 08:22

You know, I’ve never smoked, but seriously, who the hell tells someone asking for support in a relationship ‘your children stink’ Hmm

The site is supposed to be supportive and supportive obviously doesn’t mean agreeing with posters, but repeatedly telling someone their children smell is really not on IMO.

Thehop · 13/06/2022 08:28

MiserableAsFuccck7 · 12/06/2022 23:20

No the children don't smell of smoke.

They do, you just don’t notice.

inn20 years of childcare I’ve never failed to know a child who’s got a smoking parent or grandparent, just from the smell on them and the constant coughs they get from breathing carcinogens off the caregivers clothes.

Thehop · 13/06/2022 08:30

MiserableAsFuccck7 · 12/06/2022 23:40

Regarding the smoking, as I said - no the children definitely don't smell of smoke. If DD went to nursery stinking of cigarettes they would absolutely tell me about it.

I had already spoken to the health visitor about it myself. The advice was for him to smoke away from the house, change his clothes and wash his hands afterwards. He does.

Nursery would not mention it. It’s just noted down if no other causes for concern.

smoking isn’t something that would come up unless there were other problems. The benchmark is very high for intervention sadly.

Mycatishere · 13/06/2022 08:30

Thehop · 13/06/2022 08:28

They do, you just don’t notice.

inn20 years of childcare I’ve never failed to know a child who’s got a smoking parent or grandparent, just from the smell on them and the constant coughs they get from breathing carcinogens off the caregivers clothes.

Show quote history

And you don’t tell them this do you? Because it’s bloody rude. So why are you telling the OP this.

FWIW I’ve known children who don’t smell of smoke because their parents always smoke outside. I’m not a fan of smoking but these comments make me feel like going and buying every packet of cigs in a five mile radio is and smoking them all Hmm

BobbinHood · 13/06/2022 08:34

If he couldn’t even give up smoking when he has a baby and a toddler then he’s already shown you where his priorities lie and this is an annoying situation but clearly can’t be a surprise.

Thehop · 13/06/2022 08:34

Mycatishere · 13/06/2022 08:30

And you don’t tell them this do you? Because it’s bloody rude. So why are you telling the OP this.

FWIW I’ve known children who don’t smell of smoke because their parents always smoke outside. I’m not a fan of smoking but these comments make me feel like going and buying every packet of cigs in a five mile radio is and smoking them all Hmm

Show quote history

Are you an ex smoker then? I get thy feeling. I’m one too.

Thehop · 13/06/2022 08:36

Mycatishere · 13/06/2022 08:30

And you don’t tell them this do you? Because it’s bloody rude. So why are you telling the OP this.

FWIW I’ve known children who don’t smell of smoke because their parents always smoke outside. I’m not a fan of smoking but these comments make me feel like going and buying every packet of cigs in a five mile radio is and smoking them all Hmm

Show quote history

And you’re seriously telling me nobody on here is FAR more truth in their replies than they would be to someone’s face in real life? Behave!

I’ve told things about myself I’d never tell a soul face to face because I’m so ashamed, and people have given me brutal replies I knew I was going to get from this forum.

there any way on earth or would be AIBU if people pussyfooted round their true thoughts and stayed polite.

Mycatishere · 13/06/2022 08:39

It’s not OK to be rude and unpleasant to somebody because it’s online.

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