He's sulking because I pulled him up on leaving the baby to cry

[MiserableAsFuccck7]

Earlier this evening.

DD (3) had just had a bath, I was drying and plaiting her hair in the living room. It takes a bit of time due to her hair type and is fiddly. As I'm doing this.. baby DS (7 months) starts to cry. He's in the same room in his travel cot. He's teething and was overly tired so wouldnt settle. DH was trying to settle him by giving him his dummy, patting his bum etc - I'd already given him anbesol at this point.

DH says "oh come on DS I want to go for a cigarette"

DS still isn't settling. Crying.

DH says "I'm off for a fag" and just walks off leaving him to cry. Basically leaving it to me whilst I'm busy with DD.

I had to stop doing DD's hair, lost my place and went over to him. I put some white noise on my phone. He settles. White noise works well.

Now I admit I did huff after DH "Jesus you could have put on some white noise or something before walking off and leaving it to me when I'm in the middle of something, it only takes 20 seconds"

DH is now in a mood and sulking because I picked him up on it. He's acting as though I've had a massive go at him and he's done nothing wrong. I wasn't going to carry it on. I vented my frustration with the comment above and that was that, except now he's sulking.

I asked why he's sulking and he said "I didn't just walk off and leave him crying, I'd already left the room when he started crying again" which is an outright lie. He walked off when he was already crying.

Unfortunately the sulking is his go-to defence mechanism whenever somebody pulls him up on something. It may or may not be a neurodiversity thing (no dx but may well be on the spectrum)

So was I being unreasonable to be annoyed with him?

Your children definitely reek of fags, LTB

Yep, letting loose in a way they’d not dare to in person, because there’s no recriminations.
It’s a form of self-flattery imo, elevate the self by putting someone else down. As they click the post button they get a little flush of superiority and self-congratulation as well as the thrill of being straight out rude.

As a child of smokers, I was always told I stink and I'm still asked occasionally if I'm a smoker after being round my parents/grandparents places even though they don't smoke in the main house.

My confidence is absolutely shot because of it.

I'm constantly checking my clot

Posted too soon.

Constantly checking my clothes.

People absolutely do say things in real like they do online.

It's awful.

The OP has literally no control over it. It's her husband's doing.

Now do I think she should LTB, yes, but only because he's got a pattern for being a manipulative emotionally abusive sulking man baby.

He chose a cigarette over his child and then lied about it. He sounds pathetic and useless. He could simply acknowledge his crap decision and get over himself, instead of sulking like a baby.

Man smokes people! Get over it! it’s really not the worst thing in the world.

I know on mumsnet everyone so puritanical
when it comes to smoking and drinking, but coke on!

It was only a couple of generations ago that EVERYONE more or less smoked, it was the norm. And those kids, I.e. your parents, made it through.

Having a baby around your baby ticks a box on SIDS risk.
So yeah maybe to a dp who has lost a dc smoking is the end of the world.

YANBU.

Also as a side note, I was a bit surprised he was talking about smoking so openly around his children.

My DP smokes (trying to quit) but he never ever mentions it to our toddler or does it around her. She's much more likely to grow up to do it herself if she's grown up around it being the done thing.

It’s not the worse thing in the world, because there are also things like murder in the world. Rape. Child sexual abuse. But it’s pretty shit. And he’s demonstrated why it’s shit, because he’s so addicted to cigarettes that he couldn’t just wait a few minutes more to settle the baby before going to have one. Replace ignoring the baby because he’s “going for a cigarette” with “going to put a bet on” or “going to get a whiskey”. Would you still think we’re all just being puritanical then?

Bet you’re glad you posted here today OP. 😆😆😆

Fucking hell, this place.

If you have already abandoned it, I do not blame you.

Tell him you already have 2 children. You don't want a third. My brother in law is a major sulker. He can go weeks without speaking to my sister in law. How she can find this behaviour sexy I've no clue 🤢🙄

I always wonder why women choose men such as this to sire their children. Multiple times.

It doesn't sound like a functioning relationship or healthy emotional environment for the kids. Perhaps some couples counseling is in order.

I dunno, I really don’t think it’s that bad

you have a leave a baby to cry for all sorts of reasons - to go the toilet, to get some food for yourself, to have a shower, to see to another child etc.

He had attempted all the usual ways of soothing baby and it hadn’t worked so maybe sometimes it is best to just leave the baby alone for a couple of minutes

How would you even know tat the children that you can't smell anything on, don't have smoking parents?

I'm sure this stuff is made up. I taught for 40 years and wouldn''t have a clue which kids had parents who smoked.

Anyway, can people stop with the victim blaming? I've never smoked and had a chain smoking mother, so I'm no pro-smoking at all, but the reason for OP's DH leaving isn't the point here, nor is his smoking under OP's control.

Having small children is hard work and hard on a relationship. That is a fact!

This.

Hey Lucky

I presume in your post you meant to say "come on" and not coke on!!! The irony was not lost on me though... lol

@cstaff

🤣 Yes, it was supposed to be ‘come on’!

He had attempted all the usual ways of soothing baby and it hadn’t worked so maybe sometimes it is best to just leave the baby alone for a couple of minutes

He hadn’t, OP said he’d not tried white noise which worked for her immediately.

I think people are picking up on the smoking because it’s a really grim habit which is a huge waste of family money.
Also because nipping to the loo/going to grab some food and then coming right back is going to be a whole lot quicker than going out to the garden, smoking, changing clothes, washing hands..etc.

Anyway, to the question actually asked, yes he’s being a dick if he’s sulking.

@BlackandBlueBird

Ugh I hate the term “family money”

Not every penny you earn has to be family money.

I spend lots of money on makeup. Is the money I spend on that “family money” because it could be spent on the kids?

Fair enough, no, though your make up
probably isn’t putting you at risk of a vast array of unpleasant illnesses which your partner/DC will have to nurse you through (I write this bitterly having witnessed the extremely grim early death of my uncle from lung cancer)

My other point still stands. He hadn’t tried everything or much of anything really.

@BlackandBlueBird

i think he should have put the white noise and left the baby for a couple of mins with that noise to have a cigarettes, wash hands or whatever then back in with baby to see whether they had settled or not

The bit that most people seem to be focussing on is the sulking, but the bit that struck me was that he was telling you baby didn't start crying until after he had left the room, which you know to be a complete falsehood.

This is gaslighting.

I could not let this lie. I would say something along the lines of, 'we both know baby was crying before you left the room, whatever you say. Know that I know the truth.' And look him in the eyeballs as you say this.