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AIBU?

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Original poster

To have told him?

142 replies

Badnewsoracle · 12/06/2022 14:54

7 years ago DH and I went through a tough patch and he started an affair with my best friend. I suspected from very early on and caught them before they slept together (I'm absolutely certain of this). I ghosted her, we cut contact with her and her husband and stopped attending group events (large close-knit friendship group of interlappping friends from uni days) beyond weddings and funerals. Some of these friends cut us out for my "unreasonable behaviour" and others didn't. Best friend and her husband "kept" the friendship group iyswim. I never told anyone about the affair and reason for us stopping being friends.

DH and I got counseling, DH was incredibly remorseful and we made amends and are doing very well.

Yesterday we attended mutual friends wedding, DH was best man. Ex best friend and her husband were there. We were civil but kept away from them as much as possible. In the evening I was at the bar getting a drink and ex best friends husband came to the bar. I said a polite hello - he and I had previously got on well. He initially blanked me, fine I just ordered my drinks but then he turned to me and said "I just don't know what happened between you, how you could just stop talking to her like that. You were inseparable". To which I responded with "she had an affair with my husband, I don't think I was unreasonable". His face. Oh my god. He didn't know. After 7 years. No one told him. I had assumed, that like us they had chosen to work through it.

I feel absolutely awful. At the time I was really ill with PND and was barely functioning myself, I didn't really have the mental energy to worry about him (I was hospitalised shortly after). But now thinking back, the only people who knew were her, DH, DHs best mate (the groom) and the bride - because I told her. He's since text me asking to talk about it and I don't know what to do. Wibu to tell him after all this time? I'm going to talk to DH tonight once the kids are in bed.

OP posts:
sparepantsandtoothbrush · 12/06/2022 14:57

Good for you I say!

RepublicOfNarnia · 12/06/2022 14:59

Good for you!! If you do want to talk to him about it by all means do but not if it will risk re-opening healed wounds. Well done!

NoParticularPattern · 12/06/2022 15:01

You didn’t do it on purpose, you genuinely assumed that he knew something which was several years ago and whilst it wasn’t common knowledge, more than just you, DH and her knew. What else were you supposed to say?! Oh I just suddenly took an intense and inexplicable dislike to her?! It’s not your problem to solve. If he wants information about what happened he should speak to his wife who was the one who had the affair and I would tell him as much.

youcantparktheresir · 12/06/2022 15:01

Yeah I would tell him. He deserves to know and make an informed decision about is future, even if it is some years on.

Passthewinebottle · 12/06/2022 15:01

Eeeek! Obviously it wasn't intentional on your part at all, but this is the risk she ran when she made the decision not to tell him (& tell the lies that no doubt came before & after).

It's not on you to have a discussion about it unless you want to, but I imagine he wants the facts before he confronts her - if he hasn't already that is. Good luck OP.

Miracle101 · 12/06/2022 15:03

I think he has a right to know. I also think it's incredibly unfair that you've taken on the perception of villain in this.

MissingGrandstand · 12/06/2022 15:03

I understand why you would say you feel awful but remember, you have done NOTHING WRONG in this scenario. If you want to explain why you said it without realising he didn't know, use exactly what you put in your last paragraph, but do not feel like you have to if you don't want to!

If his wife has been portraying you as the unreasonable one without coming clean that's her problem to sort, not yours. I think you've done plenty already by not telling your entire friendship group when it happened, I absolutely would not have that restraint!

You seem like a very nice person FWIW Flowers

Itwasntmeright · 12/06/2022 15:03

Well, how should you take the blame for something that was partly the fault of his wife and in no way any fault of your own? If she’s not told him then that’s her problem to deal with, she’ll probably deny it anyway

Mosaic123 · 12/06/2022 15:04

Poor guy.

However you assumed he knew. He must have asked his wife over the years why you "fell out" and she chose not to tell him.

Might it be time to stop going to the friendship group events now?

SystemOverloadedNameChange · 12/06/2022 15:05

Poor bloke, not knowing for that long and then finding out like that. Absolutely not your fault, how were you to know! I probably wouldn't get involved further, its for them to sort out. Don't beat yourself up though.

MarinoRoyale · 12/06/2022 15:05

It sounds like you’ve behaved with unbelievable grace in this situation so don’t you DARE feel bad about telling him. I’d tell him what he wanted to know as he deserves the truth that his wife didn’t give him - presumably she’s feigned ignorance for 7 years about why your friendship suddenly stopped? But I’d also be prepared for some of the wider friendship group to assume you were vindictive by telling him now. What a mess, and none of it your fault.

FabFitFifties · 12/06/2022 15:06

Surely it was obvious he didn't know, from what he said? Expect backlash from your DH regarding this - you haven't done him any favours either. If you'd said something at the time, it would have been reasonable, but not 7 years later. You do now need to tell him what you know - ie they didn't sleep together. I hope this doesn't affect your own relationship too badly, after the work that has gone into it.

BornIn78 · 12/06/2022 15:07

Good for you.

I would give him the details but keep it very factual and unemotional - “your wife and DH had an affair from this date to this date. I found out on this date. I found X, Y, and Z proof, and DH confessed to A, B and C. The other people who know about it (who I am aware of) are Bride and Groom. You will need to get any further information from your wife”.

tiddlywinks2 · 12/06/2022 15:14

You did the right thing! Can you imagine if this situation was reversed and it was you just finding out? You need to tell him everything.

Fightingbackwithhappiness · 12/06/2022 15:15

Gosh that’s a tough one. As the cat is out of the bag now I think it would only be fair to tell him exactly what happened. I don’t see why you should be the villain in all this either. Be aware though, your ex best friend may go nuts at you. She’s obviously been lying about you to other folk and I would be very cautious.Good luck

Original poster
Badnewsoracle · 12/06/2022 15:16

When I asked why I stopped speaking to her I've always simply said "Sarah knows why, despite what she says" (fake name) but after a while I figured that people who would believe I'd end a 15year friendship on a whim couldn't be real friends. I've never liked people knowing my business (good or bad) so not saying it wasn't out of character for me.

Whilst it was initially a huge upheaval in our lives extracting ourselves from the friendship group and attempting to maintain individual friendships, it quickly become clear that some of the friendships had run their course and were actually sources of stress for us. So we're actually much better off.

I think he wants my "side" or my evidence. He's a very mild-mannered, even tempered and quiet man. And I think he deserves the truth. I still have all the evidence on an old hard drive. I could just send him that. It's self explanatory.

OP posts:
deirdreshere · 12/06/2022 15:16

BornIn78 · 12/06/2022 15:07

Good for you.

I would give him the details but keep it very factual and unemotional - “your wife and DH had an affair from this date to this date. I found out on this date. I found X, Y, and Z proof, and DH confessed to A, B and C. The other people who know about it (who I am aware of) are Bride and Groom. You will need to get any further information from your wife”.

Agree with this. Purely facts, and straight to the point. Then bow out and leave it for his wife to deal with.

JuneJubilee · 12/06/2022 15:18

Oh come on. You knew he didn't know (if he did he wouldn't have said, what he said) you dropped a bomb on his life, ever so casually. You owe it to him to tell him what you know and as soon as possible.

it seems an unlikely thing to just blurt out to him anyway. Subtle as a brick through a window.

they didn't have sex, he might feel you've called it an affair when he might not class it as such.

tiddlywinks2 · 12/06/2022 15:18

Badnewsoracle · 12/06/2022 15:16

When I asked why I stopped speaking to her I've always simply said "Sarah knows why, despite what she says" (fake name) but after a while I figured that people who would believe I'd end a 15year friendship on a whim couldn't be real friends. I've never liked people knowing my business (good or bad) so not saying it wasn't out of character for me.

Whilst it was initially a huge upheaval in our lives extracting ourselves from the friendship group and attempting to maintain individual friendships, it quickly become clear that some of the friendships had run their course and were actually sources of stress for us. So we're actually much better off.

I think he wants my "side" or my evidence. He's a very mild-mannered, even tempered and quiet man. And I think he deserves the truth. I still have all the evidence on an old hard drive. I could just send him that. It's self explanatory.

I would do that then, send him the hard drive and leave it at that.

deirdreshere · 12/06/2022 15:21

JuneJubilee · 12/06/2022 15:18

Oh come on. You knew he didn't know (if he did he wouldn't have said, what he said) you dropped a bomb on his life, ever so casually. You owe it to him to tell him what you know and as soon as possible.

it seems an unlikely thing to just blurt out to him anyway. Subtle as a brick through a window.

they didn't have sex, he might feel you've called it an affair when he might not class it as such.

Surely the only person who "owes" him an explanation is his wife?

Original poster
Badnewsoracle · 12/06/2022 15:22

Mosaic123 · 12/06/2022 15:04

Poor guy.

However you assumed he knew. He must have asked his wife over the years why you "fell out" and she chose not to tell him.

Might it be time to stop going to the friendship group events now?

These are the last couple to marry so I doubt there'll be any more. The last time was October 2018 and ex best friend and husband didn't attend that at the last minute.

We already don't attend group birthday meals, new years eve etc.

OP posts:
DelurkingLawyer · 12/06/2022 15:26

I don’t think his question made it obvious he didn’t know. He could have meant, “why didn’t you forgive her when you stopped it before they had sex, and when your marriage was able to continue?”

Anyway, he accosted you without warning at the bar at a social event not having seen you for years. He takes the risk of getting an off the cuff response he didn’t anticipate.

You say you have batted this back on several previous occasions with “ask her”. He probably expected you to give the usual answer, so it was in all likelihood just an attempt to have a pop at you because he was annoyed you dared to show your face. He got an answer he didn’t expect. Tough.

PassThePringles · 12/06/2022 15:33

Poor you and poor guy. I'd let him know everything you know. I think that's the worst part, the not knowing stuff after finding a little bit out. If you're mentally up for possibly opening old wounds, have a sit down talk. If you're wanting to leave that chapter closed, just send him the evidence you have and tell him the rest is up to them to talk about.

Original poster
Badnewsoracle · 12/06/2022 15:34

DelurkingLawyer · 12/06/2022 15:26

I don’t think his question made it obvious he didn’t know. He could have meant, “why didn’t you forgive her when you stopped it before they had sex, and when your marriage was able to continue?”

Anyway, he accosted you without warning at the bar at a social event not having seen you for years. He takes the risk of getting an off the cuff response he didn’t anticipate.

You say you have batted this back on several previous occasions with “ask her”. He probably expected you to give the usual answer, so it was in all likelihood just an attempt to have a pop at you because he was annoyed you dared to show your face. He got an answer he didn’t expect. Tough.

That's how I interpreted it. It was quite late in the day, I'd had a few drinks, I wasn't really expecting it.

OP posts:
indoorplantqueen · 12/06/2022 15:37

I think he deserved to know but his wife should've told him. All these years she's been lying to him (not just about the affair) but the reason why you were no longer friends.