To have told him?

[Badnewsoracle]

7 years ago DH and I went through a tough patch and he started an affair with my best friend. I suspected from very early on and caught them before they slept together (I'm absolutely certain of this). I ghosted her, we cut contact with her and her husband and stopped attending group events (large close-knit friendship group of interlappping friends from uni days) beyond weddings and funerals. Some of these friends cut us out for my "unreasonable behaviour" and others didn't. Best friend and her husband "kept" the friendship group iyswim. I never told anyone about the affair and reason for us stopping being friends.

DH and I got counseling, DH was incredibly remorseful and we made amends and are doing very well.

Yesterday we attended mutual friends wedding, DH was best man. Ex best friend and her husband were there. We were civil but kept away from them as much as possible. In the evening I was at the bar getting a drink and ex best friends husband came to the bar. I said a polite hello - he and I had previously got on well. He initially blanked me, fine I just ordered my drinks but then he turned to me and said "I just don't know what happened between you, how you could just stop talking to her like that. You were inseparable". To which I responded with "she had an affair with my husband, I don't think I was unreasonable". His face. Oh my god. He didn't know. After 7 years. No one told him. I had assumed, that like us they had chosen to work through it.

I feel absolutely awful. At the time I was really ill with PND and was barely functioning myself, I didn't really have the mental energy to worry about him (I was hospitalised shortly after). But now thinking back, the only people who knew were her, DH, DHs best mate (the groom) and the bride - because I told her. He's since text me asking to talk about it and I don't know what to do. Wibu to tell him after all this time? I'm going to talk to DH tonight once the kids are in bed.

Fuck him. He's not your responsibility. You told him, why shouldn't he know? His wife is a lying skank. Fuck them both, you do you.
None of this is on you.
Its not your problem

Then the man shouldn’t have asked the OP if he wasn’t prepared to hear her response.
after all, what would he have done if the answer was “she stole my favourite dress”…? Berate the OP in public? Tell her off?
Id have said a lot more than you OP!!

I would think long and hard before you decide to speak to him or send him anything
It really should be a conversation between him and his wife
I would worry about your health having to relive it. You need to put yourself first

No he deserved to be told by his wife.

I would send him the bare facts and then leave it at that

OP, I think it's up to you if you want to talk to him or not. He already knows the truth. Do you want to talk to him about it? Would that help you at all?

Good on you for saying it. Why should you have to keep her secret for her when she betrayed you like that. Why should you have to take the flak of being a mean friend who cut her off. I also think he deserves to know.

The point people are making is there are ways to tell someone and blow their world apart, seven years later and without warning, bluntly at a bar, is not one of them, this man has done nothing wrong and deserved to be treated more kindly. It wasn’t about her. It was about him.

OP said she didn't realise he didn't know. Why shouldn't she be blunt if she thought that he knew and was asking her why she couldn't put that behind her?

Even if she knew he didn't know, you can't blame her for not wanting to put up with being made out to be the dick in the friendship over calling it off.

Does your Dh know about your conversation?
I think you did the right thing but also worry how this might rock your life (again).

I think OP may have been recognised in real life at the wedding and may not come back…

This!

I thought this too. The onus isn't on you OP to tell him what you found out at the time; it's up to him to speak with his wife and get the information from her. If he then comes back to you to 'compare' notes, so to speak, then you decide at that time whether to give him the hard drive.

The man asked the OP a direct question and you can bet he did not ask it as a friend but saw an opportunity to do a bit of bullying. The OP was taken by surprise and was on the back foot (as he intended) when she answered him truthfully.

How was he bullying the OP? Men can be bewildered by a very close friend of his wife's suddenly not talking to her any more.

The only people that have done any wrong in this, is the OPs husband for starting an affair and the ex friend for betraying her.

He's completely innocent in all this, and now his life has been blown apart. 7 years he's been living a lie, and a wedding of friends was not the time to be told it.

You did nothing wrong. He asked, you told him. You don't owe your ex bf anything. She didn't care about derailing your life when you weren't well so don't give her another thought.

I would just text him back, tell him the facts as you know them (and the proof) and then just say you don't want to rake it all up again and leave it up to him how he handles it.
As for your DH - he should think himself bloody lucky to have you. Not many women would be able to move on from that. I know I couldn't.

Absolutely YANBU. He was obnoxious to you by first blanking you and then essentially having a go at you for ditching his wife as a friend. It's completely fair for him to know that you are absolutely not the villain here. Why should you be portrayed as some kind of nasty piece of work when you did absolutely nothing wrong? If it ruins his marriage, that's on his wife, not you.

Also, I think if I were you I would in that instant have assumed, as you did, that he already knew - I'd have thought he meant that he thought you were petty for forgiving DH but not forgiving your ex-friend.

(I'm kind of invested in the fall-out from this now. To quote Pam from Gavin & Stacey: "It's all the drama, Mick, I just love it")

Nope, just went to bed!

I spoke to DH last night, he was ok about it. Bit pissed off but accepted it was a mess of his own making. He was surprised that 'Daniel' didn't know, Sarah told him she had told him/ was going to tell him.

We drafted an email together - facts, couple of screenshots of the most damning messages and the hotel booking. I apologised for being so glib in my response to him at the wedding, assuming he already knew. DH apologised for the whole sorry mess and then we sent it. I said I didn't wish to discuss it further. Signed it from both of us.

No big drama. No discussion with Sarah.

To the person who said I'm not over it, haven't forgiven or moved on - I've forgiven DH, we've moved on, worked hard to do so. I haven't forgiven Sarah, don't intend to, don't need to. Moved on from her friendship and I'm happier without her in my life.

It's highly unlikely we'll see Daniel or Sarah again.

Thanks to everyone who took time to respond.

Send him the stuff. He half knows now he may as well fully know.

Poor chap. What an awful way to find out everybody was lying to him. Don't feel guilty for telling him though. I feel sorry for both of you.

He probably suspected but was still taken aback at having it confirmed.

You've handled this beautifully. I hope your husband realises how lucky he is to get a second chance.

Yeah @JuneJubilee
Let his wife tell him. The bitch.

A snake who has an affair with her ill friends husband, should not be expected to do the decent thing and tell her own husband the truth.

I hope he gives her hell.

You are a very strong woman OP and your husband is a very lucky man, luckier than he deserves by a long shot.

Good luck.

I would also give him all the information he wants. She clearly can't be trusted to be truthful. And if the shoe was on the other foot wouldn't you want to know what happened.