To have told him?

[Badnewsoracle]

7 years ago DH and I went through a tough patch and he started an affair with my best friend. I suspected from very early on and caught them before they slept together (I'm absolutely certain of this). I ghosted her, we cut contact with her and her husband and stopped attending group events (large close-knit friendship group of interlappping friends from uni days) beyond weddings and funerals. Some of these friends cut us out for my "unreasonable behaviour" and others didn't. Best friend and her husband "kept" the friendship group iyswim. I never told anyone about the affair and reason for us stopping being friends.

DH and I got counseling, DH was incredibly remorseful and we made amends and are doing very well.

Yesterday we attended mutual friends wedding, DH was best man. Ex best friend and her husband were there. We were civil but kept away from them as much as possible. In the evening I was at the bar getting a drink and ex best friends husband came to the bar. I said a polite hello - he and I had previously got on well. He initially blanked me, fine I just ordered my drinks but then he turned to me and said "I just don't know what happened between you, how you could just stop talking to her like that. You were inseparable". To which I responded with "she had an affair with my husband, I don't think I was unreasonable". His face. Oh my god. He didn't know. After 7 years. No one told him. I had assumed, that like us they had chosen to work through it.

I feel absolutely awful. At the time I was really ill with PND and was barely functioning myself, I didn't really have the mental energy to worry about him (I was hospitalised shortly after). But now thinking back, the only people who knew were her, DH, DHs best mate (the groom) and the bride - because I told her. He's since text me asking to talk about it and I don't know what to do. Wibu to tell him after all this time? I'm going to talk to DH tonight once the kids are in bed.

The only thing you need to worry about is making sure that you and your husband talk about this and decide how to deal with any fall out from it. The OW and her Dh have their own shit to sort out. You've worked through this once already dont let it invade your marriage again.

^^this!

Tell him everything, but I agree, keep it factual.
You have done nothing wrong, he deserves to know. I'm sorry you had such a shit time

Women who report cheating always get blackballed. They're accused of having ulterior motives or being vindictive...blah blah blah. My ex cheated a number of times in our relationship, culminating in an unwitting threesome of me, and 2 other ows.

Once I realised his cheating involved not 2 but 3 women I told the 3rd party (he has since married her and they have children )

Despite ALL of this and 20 years down the line I'm the 'villain,' to my now ex friends. He has obviously lied through his teeth and painted the picture of the disgruntled/vindictive ex.

By this stage I was done on so many levels but I had held my tongue for too long but saw how it protected him and i just thought... nope not this time.

They eventually went on to marry and have kids but I'm still treated like a pariah in certain quarters. We live in a weird world.

OP you may find no one will believe you innocently let her husband know. That social group have chosen their allegiances already and probably won't want to break ranks now as it will upset their established social gatherings. Good luck I hope you don't suffer further from the fall out.

I'm actually really happy with the current social set up. I don't want to be back in the group. Some of them I've barely spoken to in 7 years, I've had a second child and moved house, all of which they know very little if anything about. Some of them have probably moved on from the group anyway. We're only in touch with 3 couples from the original group, 1 of those is sporadic

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I haven't read all of your posts but YANBU. It's not your responsibility to keep their secret hidden - his wife/partner took the risk it could be exposed when she had an affair with your husband. Personally I would tell him.

Fuck off.

The op doesn't 'owe' anyone anything

His wife owes him an explanation. She should have told him the truth.

But yeah let's blame the victim a bit shall we... fucking hell

@JuneJubilee they didn't have sex but they were meeting up and snogging a groping - that sounds like an affair to me!

Totally agree. He's the other innocent party but he started this conversation, not you, and was blaming you.

Don't send him the hard drive, just say I thinks best you discuss with 'Sarah' once that's happened I guess he might want to chat to you further, but if so then you can decide if you want too. It's really for him and his partner to discuss.

This. I wonder why you are thinking you are in the wrong here

But surely he should be discussing it with his partner.

Surely an "affair" involves sex, which you are sure didn't happen.
I hope you tell him that.

What a stupid thing to say.

I'm interested to know what you would call it then? Are you ok with your partner kissing other people and planning to have sex with them as long the sec doesn't actually happen?

You fell out with your best friend for cheating with your husband.
I can understand dumping the best friend but frankly I would have dumped the husband too.
He was prepared to cheat with your best friend. Ughhhh !
How can you ever trust him ?
The ow's husband needed to know.
I'm glad you told him.

I'm interested to know what you would call it then? Are you ok with your partner kissing other people and planning to have sex with them as long the sec doesn't actually happen?

I would class this as an affair.

You have done nothing wrong and your exDF s DH should know the truth. Then he can decide what to do with his relationship.

💐

Personally I'd have told anyone in the friend group who judged me for breaking off the friendship too.

I wouldn't care that he didn't know, I would have told him purposefully as soon as I thought he didn't know.

It’s not like you made a point in seeking out telling him.

he asked you outright why the friendship ended, why should you lie for her - I don’t think you have don’t anything wrong and you don’t owe her anything either

Surely an "affair" involves sex, which you are sure didn't happen.

Not in my book.

Of course it was an affair, they were physically intimate and had booked a hotel room to have sex. That's not a couple of extra kisses when texting.

You've done nothing wrong. You've been more than discreet for 7 years and were asked outright. It isn't your job to cover for his wife and lie to someone's face. The right thing to do now would be to give him the details, simple facts, dates. Let him know that you have proof if he wishes to see but let him decide.

I wouldn't be too surprised if he had suspected this previously and she has convincingly denied it, hence him picking the scab even all these years later. If not, wouldn't it just be easier to make polite conversation and hope it would lead to more?

That’s bullshit. I am ashamed to say that for a decade I had phone sex with a married man. He wanted to meet up physically but I didn’t. The phone sex continued. He sent intimate photos from his bedroom that he shares with his wife (when she wasn’t there) I didn’t reciprocate with photos.
So because there was no physical contact does that mean it was ok? Since then I have been married and divorced and it is amazing how many happily married men crawl out of the woodwork. Men I would never have previously thought were capable. It is rife.
I still feel disgusted with myself.
Doesn’t matter whether you call it an affair. It is a betrayal.
OP I agree with pp - just be factual - only give information that you can prove. I do think the husband deserves to know.

Wtf 😂 You think it's only an affair if sex is had?

He needs to know the truth and who else knows about it. I wouldn't want to be friends with people who keep a secret like that from me.