To have told him?

[Badnewsoracle]

7 years ago DH and I went through a tough patch and he started an affair with my best friend. I suspected from very early on and caught them before they slept together (I'm absolutely certain of this). I ghosted her, we cut contact with her and her husband and stopped attending group events (large close-knit friendship group of interlappping friends from uni days) beyond weddings and funerals. Some of these friends cut us out for my "unreasonable behaviour" and others didn't. Best friend and her husband "kept" the friendship group iyswim. I never told anyone about the affair and reason for us stopping being friends.

DH and I got counseling, DH was incredibly remorseful and we made amends and are doing very well.

Yesterday we attended mutual friends wedding, DH was best man. Ex best friend and her husband were there. We were civil but kept away from them as much as possible. In the evening I was at the bar getting a drink and ex best friends husband came to the bar. I said a polite hello - he and I had previously got on well. He initially blanked me, fine I just ordered my drinks but then he turned to me and said "I just don't know what happened between you, how you could just stop talking to her like that. You were inseparable". To which I responded with "she had an affair with my husband, I don't think I was unreasonable". His face. Oh my god. He didn't know. After 7 years. No one told him. I had assumed, that like us they had chosen to work through it.

I feel absolutely awful. At the time I was really ill with PND and was barely functioning myself, I didn't really have the mental energy to worry about him (I was hospitalised shortly after). But now thinking back, the only people who knew were her, DH, DHs best mate (the groom) and the bride - because I told her. He's since text me asking to talk about it and I don't know what to do. Wibu to tell him after all this time? I'm going to talk to DH tonight once the kids are in bed.

I think this is where I’d get to if it were me.

Huge sympathy to you. This is awful for both you AND this ow husband

Yes. I genuinely thought he knew. Maybe not the level of detail I did but at least the gist of it.

I do think he deserves the truth. Had I been well at the time I'd have ensured he knew and by the time I was well enough I was concentrating on moving forward.

The arrogance of the OW! She clearly wasn’t worried that anything would be said!

I suppose she thought she’d got away with it for 7 years, why not a few more, and as you say it was the last couple getting married.

He MUST have suspected! It’ll be so extra hurtful when he realises the groom/his dw know too.

He definitely deserves to know.

It’ll be so extra hurtful when he realises the groom/his dw know too.

Do I need to tell him that?

I was thinking of going with the factual plan above.

You've basically already told him now, might as well fill him in on the rest!

You didn't know he didn't know

How can you say you thought he knew when he literally said to you that he didn't understand what happened between you and his wife and that you used to be inseparable??

Makes no sense at all.

He’ll ask. He’s bound to.
I would. I’m sure you would

the blessing is that not EVERYBODY knows and that’s helpful. You confided in one couple and they (hopefully l) haven’t said anything to anyone.

it was their wedding, so they’re not going to want to be dragged into this now. perhaps not ever, but you can give him the truth and as you have processed it all, have all the facts to hand, you can share them if they help him.

Because people nearly always know more than they let on, but pretend they don’t do they can coax the information from whoever they’re asking about it.

someone I knew used to do this all the time. But her telltale giggle would give her away every time she lied.

I do not think it is entirely clear cut.

It partly depends what you define as an affair .... they did not have sex - you are clear about that - so how far did it go? A mutual attraction that started to get a bit out of hand? Is it then reasonable to tell her OH that his wife had an affair with your OH?

Also, I think it is reasonable to assume that he did not know about this or he would not have asked you what happened. I can see that, put on the spot and after a few drinks your answer might have slipped out.

I am expecting to get shot down. I am very happy that you and your OH have managed to work things out and have been able to move forward positively; but it is a shame that this blameless man has been hurt by this.

Why are so many of you victim blaming? Nasty!

You need to tell him everything. Right now, he is thinking they were having sex.

You need to show him/tell him that it was an emotional affair which didnt become physically because you caught them before they went that far.

Then he has all the info you had and can decide what to do for himself.

How awful for everyone but the cheaters. Sorry OP. He may as well know the lot but I expect if he tells other people you’ll be hearing from them. Either genuine people who are sorry for what’s gone on or gossip mongers. How do you feel about that?

Agree with this. Surely if he knew another the affair he wouldn't bring asking you why you two stopped talking. Dropping it so casually in that setting was bad taste.

They were meeting up just the two of them, kissing and groping and had booked a weekend away with the intention of having sex. I'd personally call that an affair but appreciate others may not. I'll be clear with him.

“The arrogance of the OW! She clearly wasn’t worried that anything would be said”

^Yep, she is clearly nasty work.

You did nothing wrong OP, I certainly wouldn’t have kept my mouth shut about it all these years and allowed myself to be the villain.

It was the way he said it. Almost lamenting that we couldn't move past this, given the long friendship, the closeness and that they hadn't had sex. And there's obviously back story to our friendship with ups and downs that we moved past. It wasn't like he was asking why we stopped talking, more why it hadn't recovered.

Well it's out now so I think it would be unfair not to tell him what you know.

@Badnewsoracle I and plenty of others believe you, you didn’t know that he didn’t know and you don’t need to justify yourself. You’ve done nothing wrong here.

I don't really care. But I also don't think he'll tell anyone, I know him and O don't even think he'll tell his wife he knows.

@BornIn78 completely agree, astonishing that somehow the OP is in the wrong here in some people's minds!

@Badnewsoracle I fully believe you as well but quite frankly even if you had done it on purpose I wouldn't blame you, after years of not defending yourself when people assume you are somehow the one to blame for this friendship breaking down I think you'd be entirely justified in getting to the end of your tether.

Op didn’t hurt him, his wife did that when she cheated and chose to lie about it when their entire friendship group knew. I would never forgive my dh for that and I would absolutely want to know if he and my friends had been keeping this from me.

I honestly think that he had some suspicions and that’s why he chose to speak to you after all this time op. Thankfully you didn’t also keep him in the dark like the rest of his so called friends. I would send him the evidence and he can choose where to go from there. It honestly makes you wonder what his nasty piece of work wife has been telling him but it’s not your fault op.

It’s reasonable to assume that he had wondered for the whole 7 years if an affair had been the reason, which is why he finally asked you. I bet he had asked his wife many times too and she became practised in denying it, making him feel bad for even thinking it. That’s why he was so shocked with your honest response.
You don’t actually owe him anything but you are kindly willing to fill in the gaps for him. It’s up to him how he goes forward with your information.
You have been nothing but reasonable and straightforward.
He asked you because he wanted to know. He shouldn’t have asked if he didn’t want to know.
In response, you gave him the truth.
No need to feel awful. Please don’t go backwards after working so hard to make a success of your marriage ….don’t take on the burden of his pain.

So she should have lied to cover up a grotty little affair his wife and her husband were involved in? why does she owe anyone that?

Don't ask questions you don't want the answer to is a lesson most of us have learnt by adulthood.