Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Chose not to come home on the weekend.

93 replies

Macbeth8 · 12/06/2022 12:55

My dh has recently had a career change which requires him to be away for 17 weeks. 170 miles away. Kind of like the military (but its not) where he has to polish shoes, uniform check etc.

They only pay for them to come back on every other weekend. Which is understandable. However, dh bought an electric car way before this course started and Im pretty much sure he said he would use it to come back. However, first unpaid weekend he said he staying to revise and because he doesnt want to pay out "unnecessarily" he also gets free breakfast, lunch and dinner there. And doest want to add miles on his new car.

Extremely hurt. He has 3 dh and I've struggled through this week hoping on weekend Id get some kind Of respite. AIBU?
he keeps saying if he was home, there would be no way he could revise . He is dyslexic and easily distracted.

OP posts:
11Hawkins · 12/06/2022 12:59

I agree with him how would he revise looking after DC and giving you a break?

Long as it's not every single weekend for the 17 weeks I don't see the issue.

GiltEdges · 12/06/2022 13:05

Is it police? If so, the course is intense and he really does need to revise it he wants to pass. If he's going to be coming home every other weekend anyway, I think you have to suck it up and accept that he won't on the weekends inbetween to be honest. It's 17 weeks, not a lifetime.

Teacupsandtoast · 12/06/2022 13:06

Is he training for the police? Get used to surviving on your own week in, week out, as the shifts are brutal and relentless. Maybe speak to him and plan out what weekends he will be home - then you both have a clearer idea of expectations

Original poster
Macbeth8 · 12/06/2022 13:09

Thanks so much for the replies. Didnt expect those responses tbh. Always thought MN was very pro woman & family. But honestly appreciate it as I really have no idea about the course in itself or what it entails.
Id say dh is very bright he already has a degree but he does struggle with essay writing and remembering key terms etc. Is this something he has to do?

Yes its for the Police- a certain field of the Police which is classed as an 'elite force'

OP posts:
MsVestibule · 12/06/2022 13:16

How old are your DC? You say he has 3 DC - are they your DC too, or your SC?

JuneOsborne · 12/06/2022 13:18

Ah, so he did it op?.assuming you're the poster whose DH was dead set on another career change, this time into the police.

AllFreeOwls · 12/06/2022 13:19

I can see both sides of this one. I can see why you'd be hurt.
But also I can see what he is saying. I'm assuming he's doing a firearms course. In my constabulary the pass rate isn't overly high and it's very prescriptive. You have to get things right first time and if you don't it's an automatic fail and off the course

IcedOatLatte · 12/06/2022 13:20

Always thought MN was very pro woman & family

What do you mean by that? Do you think that posters aren't allowed to see a man's POV? In general I find that posters are pro the sensible view which in this case would appear to be that if your DH wants the best chance of passing his course he needs to be given the best way to revise on the weekend in the same way that a woman doing the course would

Artwodeetoo · 12/06/2022 13:22

If the course is intense it doesn't seem that wild to need/want to stay over the weekend to catch up on stuff, but he should have been honest from the outset and as soon as he had an incline the course would be like this. Sadly it won't get better once he passes out, you'll all be second to his job.

NoJobToGoTo · 12/06/2022 13:40

Always thought MN was very pro woman & family.

Is.... is your DH not part of your family?

Beautiful3 · 12/06/2022 13:49

If it's for the police, then the exams are really hard and it's just 17 weeks. Alot of people fail it. I'd leave him to get on with it and pass. If he passes then it's a great career to support his family with. So I'd support him, it's just temporary.

CatholicMind · 12/06/2022 13:59

To be honest I'd expect more of a discussion than that, dh often has to work weekends at home but it's still better when he's here.

Original poster
Macbeth8 · 12/06/2022 15:46

Two x dc are under 5. Youngest was very close to him. Lockdown baby and he was working from home so it is incredibly hard. Tbh, Its not even to do with "giving me a break" Its because shes been crying for him/asking about him constantly. Would have been nice just to have that relief of her seeing him.
I will take the advice though and suck it up. I think its because my dh has a tendency to take the piss. Maybe im just feeling like hes taking the piss out of me now.
I dont see him revising all day every day as hes dyslexic so hes never been able to do that. Hes one for chunks at a time which can be done in evenings I suppose. Just didnt expect him to miss a whole weekend for one unit. But the responses on here have reassured me that its hard work so Thanks I guess 😅

OP posts:
Original poster
Macbeth8 · 12/06/2022 15:49

@Allfreeowls
Is this for the AFO course? Genuinely interested..is there lots of legalslation to learn or so you mean the practical technicalities side of it?

OP posts:
SunshineLollipopsRainbow · 12/06/2022 19:04

Afo is very intense and full on so as disappointing as it is for you, he will have a lot of reading and tasks to do so he is being honest there.

PaddingtonBearStareAgain · 12/06/2022 19:10

SunshineLollipopsRainbow · 12/06/2022 19:04

Afo is very intense and full on so as disappointing as it is for you, he will have a lot of reading and tasks to do so he is being honest there.

Agree with this. Also it will be hard after he finishes too. It's no 9-5

parietal · 12/06/2022 19:20

He may not be home every weekend but he should plan for the paid weekends at home and then you can plan for those and tell the kids etc. So will he be home every other weekend?

can he facetime with the kids in the evening and read them stories? that might give you a bit of a break too (but it can make kids more upset, so see how it goes).

Persephoned · 12/06/2022 20:02

Are you planning to go back to a job? Is in engaged with care of the DC? I think you need to support him in this - I would support my DH in a challenging role and expect the same support back.

Original poster
Macbeth8 · 13/06/2022 08:38

@paretial

Yes the first week he hardly rang/facetimed. Only called me in the evenings. So didnt speak to the kids at all. Second week, he was face timing often but like you mentioned, younger one seemed unsettled after the phonecall. Its so bloody hard

OP posts:
Original poster
Macbeth8 · 13/06/2022 08:41

SunshineLollipopsRainbow · 12/06/2022 19:04

Afo is very intense and full on so as disappointing as it is for you, he will have a lot of reading and tasks to do so he is being honest there.

Thank you for informing me of this. If I ask him about the course, he doesnt really go into it or what it entails..he will say its hard to explain when I ask him.

I work 3 days a week part time..his parents and my mum do a rotating 2 on 1 off. Its been difficult though..they are not best pleased with him going to as its been left to us.

OP posts:
CupcakesK · 13/06/2022 08:53

Although this training course is only 17 weeks and as previous poster say, you just need to cope for the duration, I'm getting the sense that the two of you haven't fully discussed what this career change means for you as a family in the future. You need to make that a priority - if his hours and responsibilities are suddenly changing and you haven't decided together that this is what you want then there is going to be trouble down the line. We've all read MN posts about DH who expect their wife to do all the child-rearing and house work while they have big important jobs.

HollowTalk · 13/06/2022 08:54

I'm on your side here. I think he's being really unreasonable. There will be a hell of a lot of socialising at the weekend and I think that's what he wants to do. He has responsibilities and duties towards his family and he needs to face up to that.

Darbs76 · 13/06/2022 09:03

I guess it’s reasonable. As others have said it’s a full on course and he will probably have work he needs to do on the weekend. I can see your point of view, but sounds like the family don’t understand the commitment to this job, it is going to mean childcare falls to you a lot. My children’s father works overseas and comes back every few months. So everything falls to me. I often feel it’s unfair, I couldn’t just swan off overseas and not see my kids.

Tiani4 · 13/06/2022 09:16

For a while you're a "married single mother"

It might help you to set aside your expectations of help from
DH and what he could or should do and think in your head "I'm on my own I have to get on with it". For your own ability you keep going. There's a reason I say that:-

My (now) ExH worked away over many years for months on end. I found it harder when I expected him to help and he let us down - that eventually I realised just taking him out of the equation helped my sanity enormously. I don't mean don't expect him to be a parent but assume you have to do it all yourself so that you don't feel endlessly frustrated and disappointed (quietly note when he doesn't parent or pull his weight) .

Of course also plan to go out for a bit whilst he is back on his weekends home, so that you get some peace and a break. Don't rely on him to give you that break. He either will or he won't and you can't nag him into it as he will simply find excuses. (You'll see how interested or selfish he is because if he sits down or has lie ins when home and doesn't try to spend all his time with DCs and you- joining in without you asking-, but also isn't revising, then you'll know he's not that bothered & is taking the piss).

Arrange babysitters for you at home as well, during the week so that you get the odd night or weekend night off to refresh and can have adult talk with your friends without interruption.

AlternativePerspective · 13/06/2022 09:22

I agree with you.

And my POV is not helped by the fact that when BIL joined the police, on the first day the person running the course said “this is a very intense course, and during this time, at least one person on this course will have an affair.”