Chose not to come home on the weekend.

[Macbeth8]

My dh has recently had a career change which requires him to be away for 17 weeks. 170 miles away. Kind of like the military (but its not) where he has to polish shoes, uniform check etc.

They only pay for them to come back on every other weekend. Which is understandable. However, dh bought an electric car way before this course started and Im pretty much sure he said he would use it to come back. However, first unpaid weekend he said he staying to revise and because he doesnt want to pay out "unnecessarily" he also gets free breakfast, lunch and dinner there. And doest want to add miles on his new car.

Extremely hurt. He has 3 dh and I've struggled through this week hoping on weekend Id get some kind Of respite. AIBU?
he keeps saying if he was home, there would be no way he could revise . He is dyslexic and easily distracted.

@bjjgirl

This is very intriguing. Who was looking after your dc?
He keeps saying that the people who went home did the worst in their practise tests which shows he made the right decision. Have 15 more weeks of this bs.

This is bloody awful. Really has got me down and wondering if this has been said on this course. Disgraceful

So when I did the residential course I had no DC and I came top of class coming home every weekend

When I had dc I lived close enough to go home (different force) and it was a mixture of nursery etc - no revision (I couldn't) and I came 2nd in my class (however I had the foundation of knowledge from the previous course)

I also did a specialist firearms course pregnant (no idea at the time obviously)

I have since done many exams in the force with kids and have always managed it in 1 hour a day revision. I am a different person to your dp thou but everyone goes home on weekends who has a family. The single people stay, wanting to go out / socialise at the weekend.

I spilt up with the father of my kids 2 years into the police because we put them first / split the child care and didn't invest in each other. I did everything and it was too much. You are doing more than your fair share and if he doesn't step up you will resent the job and him.
There's a quote "join the force get a divorce" because of the strain the low pay / shifts and horrific jobs you endure place on your relationship. To survive the job as a couple it takes investment for both of you. You are doing you share, he needs to assess how important you are to him and how difficult doing the job will be as a single parent

Hmm - this sounds like a case of crap communication. I don’t think you are going to agree here. Can you pay for some additional help a few days a week in the short term? It’s a long drive for someone after a gruelling week every week.
You are both struggling and stressed. You are understandably upset to see your babies missing him but it is completely miserable for him to hear this and coming home once a week probably won’t help this.
He’s there now so you have to get through it.

I agree with you OP, when you have young kids getting hurt in the process you prioritise differently. He comes home and sees the kids but has space to work in between. Have you really told him how hurt your little one is and the family impact whilst taking your personal feelings out if it so he really gets it

Also I'd be really clear, it's family choices as you are free to leave if he is not longer qctually bringing anything to the table and shows you his priorities, course or no course these are bug family decisions. You get a say.

I'd expect him to be coming home OP.

neither did his parents who arent happy either.

Why would his parents get a say in a grown adults life choices? 🤔it sounds like he's quite happy to opt out of family life in favour of his new career, you have to think long and hard about whether that's the life you want.

Oh dear. I remember your previous thread OP and you weren't happy then either.

Personally I would be looking at other options for your family - you don't need to stay with him and support him in the police if you don't want to.

If you're struggling on week three of this course - well, unfortunately it won't get easier once he's out there and working. Police work is hard. Long, unsociable hours, shifts, working all weekends and bank holidays, often starting early and finishing late, leave cancelled at the last minute - it's not a very family-friendly job at the best of times and often leads to burnout.

I'd be thinking about whether I'd find it easier to go it alone

If he is back this weekend make sure you prioritise time for you.

Leave him to it with the kids and go out for a bit.

You do need to telll him how you feel though - as a PP suggested, on the alternate weekend when he isn't home why not stay the Fri night, revise Saturday morning and come home sat afternoon?

Because they are now doing more pick ups/drop offs because hes not here. So they basically have to drop dd2 in the morning and then pick up dd1 in the afternoon whilst all the time looking after dd3 who is 19 months.
They arent happy as his mum's health hasnt been the best this past year.

I sometimes wonder...not wish...if his mum was really ill would he quit this? I dont think he would tbh

I think he would say there is no point coming for just one night as its such a long way.
Apparently, the guys who went home last weekend it took them 7 hours to get home!! Because of a crash. It is going past the major motorway in the centre. So I dont envy him there (thinking about it I would hate to drive this route and probably try my best not to)
Also, it seems as though the weekend they are "funded" to go home, they get a rental car instead of paid mileage (probably works out cheaper) so that means he wouldnt be able to use his electric car anyway - only the weekends where he can choose to come home himself/not funded.

Also they have to car share it seems..he said this weekend he will be travelling with another and dropping them off. As he lives the closest to him. It does seem a bit rubbish tbh for men with families 😑

Thanks everyone. Thank you to the posters who are very supportive of my situation.
TBH, you are all spot on. I qm struggling now this early into the course, who knows what mindset I will be when it actually comes to him living away for the 4 on, 4 off. Atm, I feel like calling quits ☹ its so sad. But I am being true to myself and my children. I just dont think I can cope.
Time will tell....

Always thought MN was very pro woman & family you understand that doesn't mean going "yeah, you're a woman, you're right, all men are wrong". How would be judge in a lesbian relationship of we have to agree with the woman all the time?

However your posts have gone from "everyone tell me he's a dick for not coming home this weekend" to his being a verbally abusive bully who's pushed his parents into providing child are despite his mother's ill health, who didn't do this with your blessing and who doesn't respect you.

I'd see this time as a trial run for separation. You need adequate private childcare - if you were single, presumably you'd be entitled to help from UC and with child care costs. Who owns the house? Etc

My Dad once travelled for 28 hours to get back in time for my birthday... 170 miles, with the risk that maybe traffic will be bad, really seems relatively minor in comparison.

He clearly is largely checked out of family life with very little respect for you or his parents and certainly no real interest in being a parent to his DC. So how you handle that is up to you. But it's certainly not a relationship I'd want to be in.

Yeah, all these excuses about why it's a pain to come home.

A man who loves his family above everything else will come home because he wants/needs to.

I would also look upon this as a trial separation. A man like this would be of no use to me.
Also.. thinking about me only.. if this were my man and he was giving me all of these excuses not to come home, I would be saying 'get your arse home this weekend' and he would. Why? Because he loves me. Simples.

I think actually your question is fundamentally the wrong one.

Because the issue isn't really the weekends and the 17 week course.
The issue is that this is not something that you have agreed about, that he has discussed with you. There was no joint planning about childcare, there was no communication about who will do what when, and how to support you. There was a massive entitlement that he should do it, and that you would cope.

In my relationship I would expect all of the above. If then the best thing for us as a family was the course, then I wouldn't mind picking up the slack for 17 weeks.

I have had to do that a couple of times round dh work, but we talked about how we would manage it as a couple.
But he also does it round my work too.

To be honest and I didn’t want to project this but my ex worked away for about eight weeks while my baby was a year old and I did use it as a trial separation to see if I could manage without him and I did really well.

annoyingly during this eight weeks, he was of course having an affair, he told me he was travelling down on the Sunday night ready for Monday but he wasn’t at all he was going to the other woman’s house for all night sex and then travelling down at stupid o’clock in the morning putting himself at risk of dying on the motorway.
really annoyingly in my case he then managed to get himself fired so I had to have him back into the house again and wait for the next opportunity to get rid of him to present it self.

you do seem to be managing very well if you don’t mind my saying so far.

bide your time, get your ducks in a row.

Agree that it seems a bigger problem than just the weekends; it sounds like his whole attitude. I know my DH is interested in the firearms side of policing, but there is no way he would do it while our children are still young and dependent. There are a lot of interesting roles within policing that aren't as all consuming as others.

I have two young children and wouldn't agree in a million years for DH to be away this much. It's a third of the year! 17 weeks is not that long my arse.

How many mothers of small children would even consider this.

He shouldn't have misled you OP, and he should be coming home every chance he gets. It does sound like there are wider issues though.

Yeah Im kind of doing that. Seeing this as a "trial separation" it would be impossible without his parents help though. 😐 last time we split they conviently said they would not help.
This is what I dread.
Well he has already threatened to sell the house if I'm not supporting him.

Before he started the course he had 3 weeks off and did all the chilcare dities, putting them to bed, taking them to clubs etc. I purposely made him do that to show him what it was going to be like for me! He actually didn't compaim and tried to go out of his way, i.e cooking when beforehand he never cooked, just expected me to do it and taking them to clubs which he never got involved with. So, he has done a slight share but 3 weeks isnt anything compared to 17 weeks by the slightest.

Complain*

Yeah Im kind of doing that. Seeing this as a "trial separation" it would be impossible without his parents help though. 😐 last time we split they conviently said they would not help. what's the housing situation? By your own admission he's verbally abusive and a bully. I'd rather be out of work and not raising my kids in that environment than staying because I need his parents for childcare. Have you looked at what you could afford re childcare given the money you could claim via UC?

Can you afford childcare or are you fully reliant on the in-laws to help you out?

Would you possibly be better off single and claiming UC and all the related childcare benefits?