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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Chose not to come home on the weekend.

93 replies

Macbeth8 · 12/06/2022 12:55

My dh has recently had a career change which requires him to be away for 17 weeks. 170 miles away. Kind of like the military (but its not) where he has to polish shoes, uniform check etc.

They only pay for them to come back on every other weekend. Which is understandable. However, dh bought an electric car way before this course started and Im pretty much sure he said he would use it to come back. However, first unpaid weekend he said he staying to revise and because he doesnt want to pay out "unnecessarily" he also gets free breakfast, lunch and dinner there. And doest want to add miles on his new car.

Extremely hurt. He has 3 dh and I've struggled through this week hoping on weekend Id get some kind Of respite. AIBU?
he keeps saying if he was home, there would be no way he could revise . He is dyslexic and easily distracted.

OP posts:

SausageAndCash · 13/06/2022 09:22

This sounds very hard and upsetting for you OP.

But no point in him being away for 17 weeks and failing and having nothing to show for it.

Did he discuss this career change with you before he did it?

Will you have better prospects as a family once he has done (and hopefully passed!) this course?

SausageAndCash · 13/06/2022 09:23

I would be miffed at the reasons to do with mileage on the car though! The whole point of a car is to use it for things that matter!

JorisBonson · 13/06/2022 09:27

I think I know where your DH is. DH did this course. It wasn't fun for either of us, and obviously incredibly hard work for him, but it did go quickly and I just kept telling myself that it's not forever. Soon he'll be home and you can settle in to your new normal.

Aseagullatemybaby · 13/06/2022 09:31

I’d be having the conversation along the lines of.. “I’m supporting you, you support me by getting your arse home for 2 days and be a dad and husband”.

Im sorry for the bluntness and I'm sure this course is intense, but so is lone parenting and working pt on top. Why should the whole families balance be off so he can ‘focus’ for weeks on end and disappear, the least he can do is come home weekends- the concern of racking up miles but would have tipped me over the edge OP, you’ve done well to keep your cool.

Basilbrushgotfat · 13/06/2022 09:35

I also see both sides...Given the additional info other pp have provided I think he's right to stay but (big but) it should have been with lots of sensitivity to you, a huge apology and a better explanation of why its necessary. I hate to say it, but he does sound a bit self absorbed/selfish.

rhowton · 13/06/2022 09:37

He has plenty of time to revise in the evenings in the week, instead of heading to the pub with a bunch of 20 year olds. I would 100% be putting my foot down. My DH would be coming home every weekend. My DH is a PO, so I know exactly how "hard" they work in the 17 week training.

JorisBonson · 13/06/2022 09:40

If it's AFO training then there's not even half as many pub visits as basic training. It's really hard work, mentally and physically. I've never seen DH as exhausted as when he did his.

rhowton · 13/06/2022 09:41

Also, if you start letting him get away with this BS now, you will become the default parent once the 6 on 4 off starts. "I'm tired after lates and nights so cant possibly help". "I have to do OT on my days off, sorry I cant be available to support you". This is just the start if you dont put your foot down now.

Triffid1 · 13/06/2022 09:52

I have to say, all the "it's only 17 weeks" posts are kind of astonishing to me. It sounds like he's just gone off and done this and isn't actually taking you or the DC into account at all. The default position is you will do everything and if and when he feels like it/has energy, he will return to help out a little.... Bollocks. Never mind anything else, if I was going to be on a training course for 17 weeks, I'd be desperate to get back when I can because I'd miss my DC and DH.

Also, with all due respect, 170 miles is not THAT far. I mean, if he's worried about time to study, he could stay there on Saturday for some concentrated work time, then leave late afternoon/early evening. Be back for the whole of Sunday then leave late Sunday again. He's not in bloody Siberia.

Nothappyatwork · 13/06/2022 09:58

I think you better get used to this being your life from what I can gather from a friend who was just an ordinary Bobby.

The team that plays together stays together and boy do they play together.

you’ll be the wife that doesn’t understand them fairly quickly I would imagine. No way would I support this career change with young children I think he’s out of his mind.

airrrrAIRRRRiELLLL · 13/06/2022 10:00

Agree with pp that he has every evening to revise! He's moved the boundaries, you need to talk when he comes home, no point in leaving it for a few weeks hoping it will settle down. He has responsibilities that should have been taken into consideration when he applied. And he won't be revising 24/7 at the weekend as you well know whereas you will be full on parenting etc.

diddl · 13/06/2022 10:35

I'd be expecting him back every weekend unless there were exceptional circumstances.

It might be hard, intense, exhausting-but he chose it & it's only 17wks.

Penguinevere · 13/06/2022 10:44

Lots of mothers have jobs which require you to study for and pass exams.

I think he’s taking the piss personally. Is he a procrastinator?

KarmaStar · 13/06/2022 10:52

Police,very long,unsocial hours and teams go through a lot and become tight knit,they'll let off steam after work and on some rest days,he won't be home on time as you can't just leave a situation and go home.it's exhausting.
be prepared op to be doing an awful lot on your own.
not being nasty telling you how it is.🌈

lassof · 13/06/2022 11:00

Was this an agreed career change? I have known families separate due to one parent insisting on this type of career change and the other parent not supporting it. You don't have to support it - you do have options. It may be better to start investigating them sooner rather than later. Affair and divorce rates in the police are pretty horrendous.

DangerNoodles · 13/06/2022 11:01

Only 17 weeks? That's hardly a short amount of time, especially given the ages of the children. When does OP get the chance to pursue any interests? If he had a good job before and he has just decided he wants a change then this really is just a hobby and he needs to get his backside home and parent his children.

BlackandBlueBird · 13/06/2022 11:41

Agree. DH regularly has to travel somewhere 400ish miles away for work. He has come home for a day many times even if it has meant driving through the night just to see the DC and support me.

If you are the poster who started the other thread, it feels like this was a very one sided decision on your DH’s part, and I think he needs to support you better.

MsMarch · 13/06/2022 12:01

I don't understand all the posters who seem to think it's OP's job to suck it up. Where is joint responsibility for their joint children? Where is the discussion, negotiation and compromise that's required for such an event? Why is it only the OP who is expected to compromise to support her DP? Where and how is HE going to do some compromising!?

It's these kind of posts, and the responses, that make me hate men and also think that as a society we are doomed if this is how people think.

mast0650 · 13/06/2022 12:09

I don't think any job/career/study should be expected to occupy you all day/evening for 7 days a week for 17 weeks. If this is the case, then you should have been warned in advance! The fact that he is paid to come home every other weekend suggests the employer doesn't expect it either. I would have thought that coming home every other weekend, leaving all evenings and every other weekend to study would be a more reasonable expectation. I'd certainly be annoyed/disappointed if it turned out that he was using evenings for other things and then not come home. He could spend at least some of the weekend at home studying, just not all of it.

It's unreasonable for you to have to take on everything at home alone for this 7 weeks. You need to talk about this. If he doesn't come back this time, that might be OK, but surely not every time!

LateAF · 13/06/2022 12:12

Really don’t understand these posts.

My dad worked full time and completed a PHD with 4 young children at home. He didn’t get to fuck off for quiet revision- when you choose to have multiple children you choose a different lifestyle. He doesn’t get to pretend his family doesn’t exist for 17 weeks.

I worked full time (long hours) and studied for a masters after I went back from a mat leave with my first child. I knew this would entail evening study- this was the choice I made, not the choice my husband made, so it was for me to find the way to do it with the least disruption to family life (though he was fully supportive).

bloodyunicorns · 13/06/2022 12:44

If I ask him about the course, he doesnt really go into it or what it entails..he will say its hard to explain when I ask him.

An AFO course is hard to explain?! Not sure he's the right person to be doing it, then...

Is it the AFO course? Don't you have to be a police officer before you can take this specialised training?

Op, YANBU at all. Your h decided unilaterally to change career, didn't ask what you thought, didn't consider the impact on your and his Dc, and now he's going to be away for 17 weeks?!

You need to talk to him about your expectations, what the Dc need and what you need. He sounds selfish.

KangarooKenny · 13/06/2022 12:48

Are you the OP who wrote on here a little while ago that DH had a career change that didn’t suit the family, but he went ahead and did it anyway ?

rhowton · 13/06/2022 13:50

Listen to page 2, OP. We are all making sense. Leave page 1 to it. 😂

bjjgirl · 13/06/2022 15:39

Op I have done the course with at the time a 1 and 3 year old, it's not that hard, I am dyslexic and have adhd so learning is tough for me. The exams though are multiple choice and if he revises an hour a night and does his reading it's doable.

Personally I had to come home as
I would not have concentrated in class if I had not been able to see my family at the weekend.

The course is the easy part, shifts are a killer and he needs to understand as a cop he is just a number, he is replaceable to the job and his family should come first- so many officers only realise this when it's too late they sacrifice their family for the job and they have nothing

Most people come home every weekend, ifs it's mod / firearms he needs to mentally rest at the weekends but I personally could only do this at home with my kids.

Original poster

Macbeth8 · 13/06/2022 21:02

Wow so the tables have turned on here now. 😐 feeling numb atm..the recent responses are basically how I feel, all the questions Ive asked to myself put to him.
The posters are right about this was dh's idea. I didnt get much say, neither did his parents who arent happy either.
Although, tbh they didn't do much protesting. Hes been spoilt had a really privileged upbringing.
This isbawful. He is back this weekend. I dont know how to be anymore..any time I present any protesting to his job, he will become really angry then give me the silent treatment. Its been horrendous and only week 3 😢😢😢

OP posts:

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