Chose not to come home on the weekend.

[Macbeth8]

My dh has recently had a career change which requires him to be away for 17 weeks. 170 miles away. Kind of like the military (but its not) where he has to polish shoes, uniform check etc.

They only pay for them to come back on every other weekend. Which is understandable. However, dh bought an electric car way before this course started and Im pretty much sure he said he would use it to come back. However, first unpaid weekend he said he staying to revise and because he doesnt want to pay out "unnecessarily" he also gets free breakfast, lunch and dinner there. And doest want to add miles on his new car.

Extremely hurt. He has 3 dh and I've struggled through this week hoping on weekend Id get some kind Of respite. AIBU?
he keeps saying if he was home, there would be no way he could revise . He is dyslexic and easily distracted.

Why are his parents doing so much?

Is it so that you can work?

Will they carry on once the course is over or is it just so that he can do the course?

No I cant really afford childcare myself. DH pays for dd2's childcare and no way would be able to afford it for dd3 I work part time on a reasonably low wage but love my job because it ties in with school holidays and school pick up times .
Dhs parents have always done the childcare whilst we work. Dh used to work from home since covid which made everything easier as he did the majority of drop offs and pick ups. I think thats why its been so hard . All used to him being at home so was frequently leaving the house with dh and dc to run errands, do the shop etc.

There are many many people who cope perfectly well with their dh being away. Look at all the people in the armed forces.
My dh was away for 3 months solid at one point, due to our circumstances, and we coped because it was a joint decision, and planned.

The issue is not that he is away. It is that he has made the decision to be away unilaterally and without consultation

Or perhaps you and your husband could find suitable childcare for your children and not rely on them? You say they have to do....., but they dont have to, you are expecting them to so surely if ailing health is a concern rather than it being a tool you'd hope would emotionally blackmail him to leave his job, it would surely be time to consider loosening the demands on them.

My DH worked in the US for two years, my dad was away at sea for months at a time. I know it happens. I'm saying there is no way on earth I would agree for DH to disappear for 17 weeks at this stage of life. Pre kids, sure, like I said we did 2 years, and another five years long distance before that. This is non essential and not part of his normal job.

I dont think in this current situation we would be able to afford childcare!! With cost of living going up its absurd!!
We are very fortunate that we have parents who are retired and dont live too far.
His mums health has been very recent hence why I mentioned it as I genuinely thought this would be a suitably good reason for him not to take the job.

@jenifferbarkley

Thank you. Exactly my mindset.
Children are still young. It annoys me as we had a 10 year age gap betwee dd1 and dd2. It would have made more sense and been easier if he did it around that time. But 3 kids later hes decided to go for it now 🙄

Tbf..he is coming home for the next three weekends he has said. Even the unpaid leave. So maybe he did genuinely just want to have that weekend to revise. Still have another 15 weeks to go. 😩

I noticed you wanted him to come home for respite, not that you or your kids missed him.
My husband worked away, one year 120 nights, often weekends. That's the job.

@easyday

Thats not true. I mentioned "respite" because before he took the job and I expressed my disputation on it he tried to placate me by assuring me when he would be back on the weekends he would do the wake ups/mornings and the bedtime routine.
Tbh, one of the main reasons I accepted it because I thought best of a difficult situation - least on the weekends Id get that bit "off".
And respite meaning not me doinf absolutely nothing with the dc but just him putting them to bed qnd giving me a but of a lie in. (Our youngest 2 get up at 5.30am!) Thats my kind of respite. Not like im going to go on a spa break every weekend hes back. Im still going to be there most likely cooking and cleaning!!
Of course I miss him and I feel heartbroken for the youngest who is really close to him.

@Macbeth8 whats the plan for childcare with his shifts/overtime? So sorry he’s done this to you, I remember your other thread

My husband had been endlessly supportive of my career which involves long hours and the occasional all-nighter. I guess he knew what he was getting into when he married me. Equally, I took care of two small children while working full-time when he spent 3 months working abroad. Of course we discussed the working abroad before he did it but it was important for his career. You get to work part-time with children which many women don't and I guess your husband's career makes that possible. If he is dyslexic he will have to work harder to pass. I am not sure your husband is as unreasonable as a lot of people are suggesting. (Except about putting mileage on the car - that I agree is mad.)

Well he has already threatened to sell the house if I'm not supporting him.

Where does he think his three children will live if he does that?

You really need to prioritise your income, assets, childcare, options. He is not a good bloke if he would say the above. He thinks you're locked in with three children and you just have to do as he says. Find other options.

So they basically have to drop dd2 in the morning and then pick up dd1 in the afternoon whilst all the time looking after dd3 who is 19 months.

Well, no, they don’t ‘have to’ do anything. Did he actually ask then before the course started or did he assume they would look after the dc?

You say "he'll sell the house if I don't spey him".

What does he mean by that? If you divorce, he'll sell it? Or if you aren't suitably deferential then he'll sell it (and he'll live where)?
Why does he think he can sell his family's home?

Is the house only in his name? Who paid for it? Where did the money come from?

I guess we are kind of assuming that this career change had been agreed by the couple. And agreeing that he can do the course whilst refusing him time to study is stupid.

Just to provide another perspective on this OP, my dad was a police officer in a specialist unit but not firearms. You need to really consider if you want this as it won't work otherwise. I love my dad and he was a great father but a lot of my childhood memories involve him being missing, or having to leave, broken promises of coming to see me at sports matches, award ceremonies, school plays etc. He worked away a lot when I was in primary school but eventually changed role to something with less working away but still with all the last minute call outs, unexpected overtime etc.

I think the only reason him having this type of job worked for my parents is because the entire family was on board with it. My grandparents would make sure I never missed out if he was away and mum had to work. They took me to sports clubs, picked me up from school, dropped me at friends houses etc. Even with this there was also a lot of arguing between my parents it was a lot of stress for everyone and they are honestly like different people enjoying life so much since he retired 12 months ago.

You need to have a serious think about whether you are willing to support him in this, whether you are willing to be the one to pick up the pieces when your kids don't understand why dad who was there last night and promised you could all ride bikes to school in the morning is gone when you wake up and now its the boring old car with boring old mum. It will be hard work and my dad was the guy who drove hundreds of miles just for the night on Saturdays when on courses just to have breakfast with us and drive back again or who would come to watch 15 minutes of sport on his break if he could. If your husband isn't going to do that then its going to be even harder.

Nothing else to add OP except 💐

So really, your low income role is costing the family unit for your benefit only and is the factor that has led to the need for childcate from the grandparents? Whilst your ohs role is the income for the household and this training will presumably lead to additional financial resources for the family household.

You don't seem to be able to manage the 3 children you have, yet in the same breathe say you'd consider being a lone parent? How will that exactly work if already you're struggling with two other households and childcare picking up the slack so to speak?

You seem to be making this more stressful for the children tbh even if subconsciously due to your not supporting your oh.

To me this is more about the fact that you haven't wanted him to progress further in his role and for you to have to parent alone for what is a very short period of time.

Do you not think that if you cannot manage a mere 3 weeks that you wouldn't manage permanently as a lone parent?

You need to really review your expectations, wants and communication with your oh.

I'm not for a moment thinking that he was morally right to pursue this without a more informed and open discussion. But I equally think that you should be fully capable of managing your own children alone, as should he.

And maybe your nice to have job is what needs to go? Even if just for now, given that you cannot manage what is on your plate, in spite of the significant support.