Should you contact an unwell family member?

[CheckingIn]

I'm curious for people's opinions on this scenario - I've NC'd because I'd like an answer without the additional context and where people don't know which person I am in the scenario.

A person is sick - long-term but not chronic or disabled. The sickness is likely to last about a year. It's a recognised, debilitating illness but is very unlikely to be life threatening. The illness is diagnosed and can be cured but it will take months for the person to feel better. They're frequently in and out of hospital, completely unable to work or socialise, they visit the hospital multiple times each week for ambulatory care or appointments, and receive a lot of treatments. If they didn't receive this care then they would almost certainly die from the illness - but the care is very good. Whilst the long-term outlook is very good, in the mean time, the illness means that they are in a lot of pain and very unwell. It's a genetic illness so some members of the family have also had it before, but not as severely as the person who has it now.

In this scenario, would you expect:
a) the person's family (parents and adult siblings) to reach out and ask the person if they're ok and how things are going.
b) the person to contact their family to update them, without being asked, whenever anything changes or they have to be admitted to hospital?

Either way, how often or when do you think they should reach out to update/check-in?

The family speak via messages around 3 times each week and video call around once each week. The frequency that family members see each other in person varies a lot because of distance. They consider themselves a close family who get on well.

Sorry, forgot to set up any voting, I've randomised it so it doesn't necessarily reflect which side I am in this.

YABU - The sick person should contact and update
YANBU - The family should reach out and ask how they are

The family speak via messages around 3 times each week and video call around once each week
Is there expected to be additional updates from either side on top of this every other day contact? Does no one ask how anyone is in the above contact via message/video?

Definitely up to the family to reach out, ask how it's going, offer support etc.
There's no debate on this as far as I am concerned.

That sounds like a reasonable amount of contact tbh. All are adults and the sick person can always ask for more help if their condition requires it. The odd extra call or visit might be nice.

Communication is a two-way thing. Both parties should be making the effort.

Family should ask but person should offer the info and not wait to be asked.

If there's falling out over this, the family dynamic was probably already skewed.

I would say a mixture of both, I would have thought. But yes, family should be asking and checking on the person who is unwell regularly.

And the difficulty of they are having treatment is that appointments may not be consistent and appropriately timing any contact right outside the regular calls becomes tricky. It can also be wearing being asked constantly how things are going.

"There is no debate"
What never? So no matter whatever else is going on in their life, everyone else in the family have to always be the one making contact?

That sounds a good amount of contact. I would expect both the ill person to mention any significant things (eg hospital stays) and the relatives to ask how it’s going as part of normal conversation.

Everyone involved is an adult and capable of using their words, so no one is being unreasonable.

I’m guessing you’re the I’ll person and you’re hurt they aren’t asking after you enough.

Totally agree with this.

Missed this first time It's a genetic illness so some members of the family have also had it before, but not as severely as the person who has it now. are the family being led by what the person/family who is unwell did when others were unwell? What did they do re contact then?

I agree that communication is a two way thing, is the 'ill' person an adult? Sometimes there is nothing worse than being constantly contacted with messages that don't really mean much, if there are messages three times a week then that sounds reasonable. If the sick person wants/needs more support then they should ask ...

We have had serious illness in our family and there is a clear understanding that support/help is available... whilst respecting peoples privacy/wanting to be left alone without endless questions etc at the same time.

It sounds like they already have a lot of contact. In a healthy family I would expect the sick person to update and ask for help and the other family members to offer help and ask for updates during the video calls and via messages. But unless something new is happening I wouldn't necessarily expect this to be weekly.

There is no obligation on anybody to be in contact - it is each person's individual choice.

I'd vote for both options. Sick person should update the family and family should be more attentive. One scenario shouldn't depend on the other though.

That's a lot of contact anyway, surely anything major gets told by sick person?

Both should reach out to each other. Whilst I would expect 3 conversations a week to cover a wide range of topics I would also expect questions of how are you and do you need anything alongside I’m having a good/bad day and I need xyz.

Just to clarify a couple of things:

The sick person isn't asked how they are during the video calls or messages. The family members who had the condition: a parent had it before the children were born so has experienced it but the family set-up didn't exist, a sibling had a milder form of the same condition which lasted for 2-3 months about two years ago. I don't recall how much was discussed in video calls. Looking through my messages, I can see I messaged her to ask how she was during that time with respect to the illness on at least five occasions.

This scenario has come about because the sick person's condition deteriorated quite considerably and they were hospitalised with some additional complications. They didn't tell the family. After two weeks, no one had asked how she was so she told them what was going on and, when asked why she hadn't told them, she said that no one had asked and that if anyone had asked how she is, she'd have updated. The sick person has said that she feels that, if you're messaging anyway (which happens a few times a week anyway), it's normal to ask "how are you?" to the other person. The family feel that if they are updating on their own lives then the obligation is on the sick person to update on the changes in hers.

If the sick person was in hospital and communicating on a fairly regular basis with the family but purposely omitting to tell them she was in hospital I personally would consider this childish and attention seeking. And would not expect the family to be in a rush to help out in an emergency when they are being treated like that

As above - it does seem like sick person is ‘testing’ the family to prove a point. Which is up to them but isn’t the best/healthiest/most efficient way to tackle what appears to be a communication problem

So the sick person still appeared on these calls and said nothing?

Best way forward now would be for both to apologise: sick person for playing games, family for not understanding how this illness has affected the SP.

Honestly it's all a bit childish. Family seem oblivious - we've had it, we were OK with it so you must be too. Sick person - I'm not but you don't ask so I won't tell.

All this contact but no-one saying anything.

The person in hospital was being deliberately obtuse and difficult. Fucking ridiculous behaviour trying to trick people like that. Maybe the family know what this person is like and treat them accordingly. Who the hell goes into hospital and tells nobody. Weird carry on.

Honestly at no point in the conversation verbal or text not a single person said collectively, ' hey how's things?' How did the unwell family member hide they were in a hospital bed over 2 video chats?
Agree with pp unwell person sounds petulant and attention seeking.

This is the conversation in the chat.

Sibling 1: Good day for [Sibling 2’s hobby], any plans for it Sibling 2?
Sibling 2: Unfortunately not. Sat in A and E with DS. Fell off his bike.
Sick person: Oh no! How is he? Which hospital? I’m in [Hospital Name] if you want to say hi.
Sibling 1: You’re admitted again? You never said
Sick person: No one asked, I’d have said if you’d asked how I am.
Sibling 1: You should’ve said though.
Sick person: (tagging the message from Sibling 2) How’s DS getting on?

Then, later on
Sibling 2: I still think it’s shitty that [Sickperson] didn’t say she’s in hospital.
Sick person: I’d have said if anyone had asked how I am. It’s pretty normal to ask how people are if you want to know.
Sibling 2: I’m not psychic! How do I know to ask how you are if you don’t say you’re in hospital?!

That’s how it’s been left.