Should you contact an unwell family member?

[CheckingIn]

I'm curious for people's opinions on this scenario - I've NC'd because I'd like an answer without the additional context and where people don't know which person I am in the scenario.

A person is sick - long-term but not chronic or disabled. The sickness is likely to last about a year. It's a recognised, debilitating illness but is very unlikely to be life threatening. The illness is diagnosed and can be cured but it will take months for the person to feel better. They're frequently in and out of hospital, completely unable to work or socialise, they visit the hospital multiple times each week for ambulatory care or appointments, and receive a lot of treatments. If they didn't receive this care then they would almost certainly die from the illness - but the care is very good. Whilst the long-term outlook is very good, in the mean time, the illness means that they are in a lot of pain and very unwell. It's a genetic illness so some members of the family have also had it before, but not as severely as the person who has it now.

In this scenario, would you expect:
a) the person's family (parents and adult siblings) to reach out and ask the person if they're ok and how things are going.
b) the person to contact their family to update them, without being asked, whenever anything changes or they have to be admitted to hospital?

Either way, how often or when do you think they should reach out to update/check-in?

The family speak via messages around 3 times each week and video call around once each week. The frequency that family members see each other in person varies a lot because of distance. They consider themselves a close family who get on well.

Sick person should say that they are in hospital. Family members aren't mind readers. They aren't always going to ask how SP is as they have no clue about the hospitalisation or deterioration. If nothing is said they will assume all is fine.

Sounds as if there's already plenty of contact. I can remember when my mum was in the last year or two of her life and it was a merrygoround of hospital visits and district nurses and remembering to give her her medication at the right time and trying to find foods she could eat. Some days she was fine, some days very poorly. All the people who phoned every day or two to ask how she was doing added to my burden. Thank goodness for What's App groups now where a quick message every couple of days reassures dozens of people. Worse were the people who'd turn up to visit from a distance and then expect me to provide lunch and sometimes dinner too, before they headed for home.

If I know someone's unwell I send a letter or card wishing them better. I might follow up with a food gift (Rick Stein or Betty's, or Cook frozen meals) or flowers or something similar. But just as I wouldn't want my relatives informed of everything to do with my health, I don't expect to be kept informed of anyone's else's daily ups and downs. I might also text or What's App. If I don't hear anything I imagine how difficult it is for the people looking after them to keep on top of everything. In fact the people looking after the invalid are foremost in my mind, because they are going through it but with no thanks and no gifts a lot of the time.

Sick person still sounds petulant and attention seeking. Are they a significantly younger sibling?
Does everything become about them in the family?

What is the point of such frequent conversation if you're all too childish / stubborn / obtuse to ask how one another are, or to update on how you are without being specifically asked to.

How exhausting.

If someone were in hospital for 2 weeks and didn't even tell anyone I'd take that as a clear indication that they didn't want to discuss their illness.

Sick person needs to stop being a martyr and tell peo

Oh, and if the sick person is well enough to post here, they are well enough to give relatives a call or send texts or messages and should be doing so.

Sorry phone had a moment!
Sick person needs to communicate if they want people to know what’s going on. Especially if everyone is communicating in a group chat like that, it’s less formal than just texting/ringing every few days where you’re more likely to ask how someone is.
Of course it would be nice if they asked but I can also see why they haven’t.

This. If you want help, ask for it. Playing stupid attention seeking games gets you nowhere and most likely sends people the other way. It seems like there is alot of contact in any case. What exactly does the ill person want and why are they not asking for it directly?

Honestly, with regular messaging and a weekly call, I probably wouldn't be checking in much either. I'd be led by the person who was ill, if they bring it up, I'll talk about it with them, but if they didn't I'd assume either everything was fine or they didn't want to talk about it. Not everyone likes regular checkins - for some it adds a burden or worry.

Sick person: No one asked, I’d have said if you’d asked how I am.
Sick person: I’d have said if anyone had asked how I am. It’s pretty normal to ask how people are if you want to know.

This would have got my back up and feels petty, attention seeking and passive aggressive. Setting people tests they aren't aware of and then sulking when they fail is just annoying to most people.

The sick person is very childish and attention-seeking.

Just saw the update on the conversation. Just as I thought, ill person playing stupid attention seeking games. I have very little patience for this. Sick person is also trying to guilt everyone- very shitty of them. What does she/he want, to message everyday asking how they are? Who has time for that. They have 3x a week opportunity on the chat to let everyone know, but instead want to be manipulative. I think even dropping in the I'm in hospital if you want to say hi was so manipulative. Cue all the questions and them behaving like a brat.

Some people don’t like to discuss personal / medical issues with a group, even if family so given the very regular contact, perfectly reasonable for the rest of the family to respect sick person’s privacy and not push on it. Sick person is being petty and attention seeking. Do they imagine that the rest of the family have nothing to think about but their illness??

3x a week calls/texts seems alot already IMO. Sick person sounds childish and attention seeking. Maybe the rest of the family don't want to ask on every, single call and text how are you? how are you? etc. Its a 2 way thing. Family could ask how sick person is- but not necessary on every, single contact. Sick person should grow up and tell family when they have deteriorated and been hospitalised.

I'm a HCP and interested to know what genetic condition this is? That flairs up like this, but will likely recover fully and affects family members to various degrees???

Agree. Have a family member who only tells you if you ask. Beyond annoying and actually counterproductive.

Sick person is being very unreasonable here, but I understand being a bit sensitive when you’re going through a tough time. If the family is in contact several times a week I’d expect news like ‘I’m in hospital’ to be volunteered and wouldn’t expect the person to wait for a ‘how are you?’ before feeling able to share an update like that.

In that last message Sick Person is being passive-aggressive in my opinion.

It feels like SP is trying to weaponise their illness in some way.

To be honest sickperson probably should have said. Sibling 2 offered info about their child. Most people are fairly self centred but with a prompt will happily listen to others. I have been unwell for quite a while now and to be honest I prefer it if people are not always asking. Then you don't need to manage their disappointment that their good wishes three days ago hasn't magically cured you. I do think though that other people prefer more questions everyday so maybe there is a mismatch in the styles.

Exactly, a bit like, "so your child's had an injury that's led to an emergency admission, well back to me now....."
And re the multiple times a week for ambulatory care or clinics, is this self presented or organised by clinicians? If its this often I'd be expecting them to update, unless the sick person wants every chat to focus on them?

And I have a relative who’s very unwell in hospital at the moment. The whole family are really worried about them. They’ve been volunteering regular updates on their condition and progress via the family WhatsApp without any kind of prompting. Of course if they’re quiet for a few days someone will usually say ‘any update?’ or ‘how are you getting on?’ but I’d expect silence to mean there’s nothing to report. If it turned out there’d been a big development and they’d kept it quiet because ‘nobody asked’ I’d be devastated and think they were being very unfair.

Sick person is playing silly games that just get everyones back up. My brother is like this and we just ignore the passive aggressive bits about how we didnt know and ask how he is /if he needs anything.

I start most of my conversations /texts to people I dont speak to often with "how are you", someone I was in contact with every other day I probably wouldnt as I would expect them to say.

I don't think I would be in contact with this person at all to be honest. He/she seems to be very manipulative and attention seeking.

I would expect the sick family member to update on something as important as a hospital admission. They are being petulant.

3 conversations a week is plenty, and if someone is admitted to hospital they should tell their family rather than waiting for them to know psychically. I do think it is eccentric and martyrish and it would irritate me.

I would expect to keep up a normal relationship with this person and speak to them however I had done so before they became ill. You don't need a new contact regime because of illness.
Perhaps if I knew a significant day of treatment or a test was upcoming I would ring or text them to wish them good luck (or if I were the sick person, I would hope to receive these wishes). Otherwise, just normal contact in both directions.

I can almost guarantee there is another group chat now without sick person in it discussing how to deal with sick person going forward