Should you contact an unwell family member?

[CheckingIn]

I'm curious for people's opinions on this scenario - I've NC'd because I'd like an answer without the additional context and where people don't know which person I am in the scenario.

A person is sick - long-term but not chronic or disabled. The sickness is likely to last about a year. It's a recognised, debilitating illness but is very unlikely to be life threatening. The illness is diagnosed and can be cured but it will take months for the person to feel better. They're frequently in and out of hospital, completely unable to work or socialise, they visit the hospital multiple times each week for ambulatory care or appointments, and receive a lot of treatments. If they didn't receive this care then they would almost certainly die from the illness - but the care is very good. Whilst the long-term outlook is very good, in the mean time, the illness means that they are in a lot of pain and very unwell. It's a genetic illness so some members of the family have also had it before, but not as severely as the person who has it now.

In this scenario, would you expect:
a) the person's family (parents and adult siblings) to reach out and ask the person if they're ok and how things are going.
b) the person to contact their family to update them, without being asked, whenever anything changes or they have to be admitted to hospital?

Either way, how often or when do you think they should reach out to update/check-in?

The family speak via messages around 3 times each week and video call around once each week. The frequency that family members see each other in person varies a lot because of distance. They consider themselves a close family who get on well.

It depends, in general I think it's just basic politeness in a conversation to ask how the other person is/ what's new. It's just showing an interest regardless of general health. So I'd expect that as a minimum of conversation at any time. And with e.g. friends I'm not in such regular contact with I would probably only mention a hospital admission when we were otherwise in contact and they asked how I was.

With my family, who generally do take an interest, if I'd unexpectedly been admitted to hospital I would contact them to let them know. However if they never took an interest and agreed how I was, I may well not, and I also think if the ill person is in and out of hospital a lot perhaps they have a different attitude to being in hospital and are more blasé about it.

I do think it's shitty of the relative to have a go at the ill, currently hospitalised person for their own lack of interest in the other person, to me that reads as blaming an ill person for their own guilty feelings.

I also think if there's ever a time you cut someone some slack for poor communication it's when they've been ill, so just based on that there shouldn't be blame placed on the ill person - maybe they didn't feel up to communicating, maybe they're just sick of dealing with and talking about being ill and would rather focus on other topics of conversation.

@ANUsernam but the sick relative does want to communicate and have it discussed, they seem to be unhappy they're not the focus of things?

It's a bit of both. I'm disabled and I'd always up date family and friends if I was having a relapse but friends and family also regularly ask how I am to (and I ask them too).

Sick person sounds like they're playing games. That whole 'you didn't ask' this is pass agg and manipulative.

Are they pissed off with the rest of the family?

It depends, in general I think it's just basic politeness in a conversation to ask how the other person is/ what's new. It's just showing an interest regardless of general health. So I'd expect that as a minimum of conversation at any time.

Im our family chats, we don't tend do conversation starters and sign-offs. We just message with what we want to say. I imagine that's the case in many families. This morning I've messaged my sister to let her know what I thought of book I finished last night and started the message with "I finally finished Hamnet." Starting with "Hello Sister, how are you? Anything new with you?" etc. would feel very formal to me. I assume if she has any news she wants share she will and vice versa.

Ill person being very passive aggressive, but I can imagine them feeling quite bitter about being lumbered with a painful genetic condition, especially if the sibling who previously had it was shown more consideration and attention- perhaps the family consider it a bit run-of-the-mill if several of them have had it and it's a known quantity.

I must confess to being curious about the condition- which I would not expect you to disclose!- as I've not heard of anything like it other than sickle cell which doesn't have a complete cure outside of bone marrow transplant.

Sick person is playing games and should have told family.

Sick person is massively U for not saying they were in hospital.

Very passive aggressive.

I wouldn't ask someone how they were with that personality

Who would want to engage with such a passive aggressive person?

I'd leave them to fester alone. Let them enjoy the misery they crave so much

@MichelleScarn but where do you get the idea from that the ill person is unhappy with the situation?

Literally all the quoted conversations say is that they've mentioned they're in hospital, then when questioned why they didn't already tell them, they've said no-one asked - that's a statement of fact. The only one who's indicated annoyance with the situation is the sibling.

Sick person is being absolutely ridiculous

Originally I voted YANBU but after reading the update re the conversation I agree that sick person is being ridiculous and petty. Why wait until they’re asked how they are to tell their re in hospital?!

The admonishment in this
sick person: I’d have said if anyone had asked how I am. It’s pretty normal to ask how people are if you want to know.

I.e no-ones given me direct attention, that's not normal.

Hard to say really. Is it the case no one ever bothers to ask sick person how she is, and she feels ignored and uncared about? Or is it that everyone else always says how they are so assumed sick person would do the same so didn't think they needed to specifically ask? Do siblings generally care about sick person? Is sick person usually one for game playing or is this out of character?

I'm a little bit torn. Yes, the 'patient' should let their family know when they've been admitted, but I am long-term sick and am admitted regularly. I have one family member who calls me 'dramatic', so I often avoid telling them when I'm in, unless they ask because I don't like the insinuation that I'm 'attention seeking'...

Actually agree with all of this, whats prompted this pondering? I'm assuming you are the unwell person as I do think your thread heavily leans towards they're the wronged party?

yabu and ridiculous too. If you are in hospital you need to let people know and not wait to be specifically asked about it.

I agree.

I think it's also a bit like when you're pregnant and towards the end family are always asking about how things are, any signs etc and it can get annoying. Maybe the family think the three calls a week are enough and that if the ill person wanted more then they'd be the ones phoning.

I'm trying to think of a social conversation (rather than making very quick practical arrangements) between family members that doesn't start "How's things?" or the like.
Do none of you do that, OP?

Hmm, I do think you should ask how the sick person is on the calls, it's basic politeness. If they don't want to discuss it, they can say, "Fine, how are you, what have you been up to?" and move the conversation along.

My DH's family has form for avoiding anything unpleasant and it's been very hurtful to myself and my BIL (married to DH's sister) at times. When his Dad was very ill last year (he eventually died) my in-laws literally never mentioned his illness or asked how he was, because it made THEM feel uncomfortable. It's not nice behavior.

I'd advise asking the sick relative how they are at the beginning of the conversation and then move on.

As I said above, in our family chats (both group and individual), we don't tend do conversation starters and sign-offs. We just message with what we want to say. I imagine that's the case in many families. This morning I've messaged my sister to let her know what I thought of book I finished last night and started the message with "I finally finished Hamnet." Starting with "Hello Sister, how are you? Anything new with you?" etc. would feel very formal to me. I assume if she has any news she wants share she will and vice versa. My family and I are in pretty much daily contacts chats are like an ongoing conversation.

I've read all your posts, OP. The sick person is behaving in a classic passive-aggressive way and the best response is to ignore that comment and just get on with your life. And keep a bit of distance between the pair of you. It's manipulative behaviour.

Starting with "Hello Sister, how are you? Anything new with you?" etc. would feel very formal to me

That's because it is, and I would never do that either. "How's things?" however, is not formal.
OP says the family video calls once a week. So surely the conversation would include an informal check in like that?

Sick person is trying to guilt trip SIbs 1&2. Passive aggressing nonsense.

Or maybe they just assume that if someone were to Have news that they were in hospital that it would be raised without probing

Or maybe they are just done with this siblings BS and don't really want to engage anymore.