Should you contact an unwell family member?

[CheckingIn]

I'm curious for people's opinions on this scenario - I've NC'd because I'd like an answer without the additional context and where people don't know which person I am in the scenario.

A person is sick - long-term but not chronic or disabled. The sickness is likely to last about a year. It's a recognised, debilitating illness but is very unlikely to be life threatening. The illness is diagnosed and can be cured but it will take months for the person to feel better. They're frequently in and out of hospital, completely unable to work or socialise, they visit the hospital multiple times each week for ambulatory care or appointments, and receive a lot of treatments. If they didn't receive this care then they would almost certainly die from the illness - but the care is very good. Whilst the long-term outlook is very good, in the mean time, the illness means that they are in a lot of pain and very unwell. It's a genetic illness so some members of the family have also had it before, but not as severely as the person who has it now.

In this scenario, would you expect:
a) the person's family (parents and adult siblings) to reach out and ask the person if they're ok and how things are going.
b) the person to contact their family to update them, without being asked, whenever anything changes or they have to be admitted to hospital?

Either way, how often or when do you think they should reach out to update/check-in?

The family speak via messages around 3 times each week and video call around once each week. The frequency that family members see each other in person varies a lot because of distance. They consider themselves a close family who get on well.

Yabu

Sick person needs to stop being passive aggressive and trying to make everyone feel guilty.

So OP- are you going to tell us which one you are in this scenario and reply?

Erm you sound like hard work! If others talk about how they are, contribute and tell them how you are! If they’re not interested then you’ll know not to bother talking to them anymore!

If there's a specific change- like hospitalisation- then yes, you tell people.

Both, of course.

I see this as an entirely false divide, especially as it does seem that the sick person is being rather manipulative rather than just talking about what's up that week. Before the illness, I expect they managed to chat perfectly happily about what's going on in their life, whether asked or just giving an update

I think that if being in and out of hospital is going to be the norm for the sick person for a year, and there is a long-running group chat being updated every couple of days it sounds like the sick person is wanting to feel a bit sorry for themselves. to go two weeks without mentioning it then the 'if anyone asked I'd tell them' is a bit passive aggressive. I get it. I've done a bit similar myself when I've felt a bit down and uncared for.
I think the sick person has the choice to either keep 'testing' them and making themselves feel rubbish when they keep failing the test, or they can just tell people what's going on at the time. they are not going to start checking in every day to ask how the sick person is on the off-chance they are in hospital, or out of hospital or whatever every day for a year.

Sick person is attention-seeking and passive-aggressive. This mysterious genetic illness has affected other family members, but sick person is making out her own bout of the illness, is so much worse than theirs.

I would tell sick person to contact me if they need anything then minimise contact. It would really irritate me.

From experience of sick family members in hospital - nearest person would do a round robin email to everybody in the family to update them on how things were and of any changes. Family also would ask off and on in between how things were and contact hospitalised person by e mail too. (the only way to do it when Covid limited visits and when family is spread across various countries).

There does seem like some guilt tripping in the story OP - but that can be a sign the person is feeling let down (or is over demanding).

How are things then @CheckingIn?
Has there been a catch up over what's app chat or video since you posted?

Both, family to check in regularly but if she was admitted to hospital she should update family

Are you the sick person? It would be easier to form an opinion if we knew what the illness is and if you're the one who's ill.

I've recently been very ill. I wouldn't expect people to get in touch and ask unless it's immediate family whom I speak to regularly anyway. I am grateful for whomever does get in touch, even if it's for a general chat. Even though I voted that family should keep in touch, if OP is the sick person, maybe she needs to reach out more and make sure conversation isn't just about the illness. It might be triggering bad memories in other family members so they might avoid her.

I just read all OP's updates and changed my vote. The sick person is being passive-aggressive, the sibling is not a mind reader. She should update people if she wants them to know she's in hospital. End of.

In my family it would work both ways. My sister and Mum would ask sometimes, but not everytime we spoke because life goes on and you don't necessarily want to think about the illness all the time , but if there was anything significant or interesting or if I just wanted a bit of sympathy, I'd tell them whether they asked or not.

I'd definitely tell them if I was in hospital, I wouldn't wait for them to ask.

I think that both sides of the family are being unreasonable TBH.

Of course one should ask a family member how they are in conversation. But equally I can't imagine being in hospital and chatting to my sibling or even a friend and not telling them I was in hospital . The only time I wouldn't do this is if I thought their current life was such that they had enough to worry about.

I'm not Sick Person or Sibling 1 - although I am, incidentally, also in hospital haha. This isn't my family, it's DH's (DH isn't Sick Person or Sibling 1 either).

I'd rather not disclose the illness if that's ok because it's not my illness and could be outing. Sick Person didn't want anyone to reach out on top of the calls and messages - they wanted to be asked how they are during those. The family does have a "golden child" problem so a lot of the focus is often on two siblings and not on the other two - I'm not sure if this is because they have a different dad or because they're one gender or something entirely different.

During the group calls, no one spoke to Sick Person, but they were there. Sick Person didn't speak at all during the calls. Messages to the group have involved a few bits and pieces - photos of a trip to the zoo, one sibling asking MIL about a work event she had, FIL and BIL talking about some DIY/plumbing thing, MIL winning a competition, talk about the Jubilee, messages about the VONC on Boris etc.

Sick Person has said to me (I'm close to Sick Person but also close to all the siblings and MIL and FIL so not taking sides) that they're upset that no one seems to acknowledge their existence. They feel that, when another sibling had this illness, they made an effort to help out and check on them but that no siblings have offered support. They say they feel like, when they bring things up, they're made to feel like a "burden" so they avoid bringing it up themselves. Sick Person, I think, is quite frustrated with being sick because they're very independent usually so I don't think they like be reliant like that. MIL and DH have both spoken to them since but other siblings haven't.

I'm not Sick Person or Sibling 1 - although I am, incidentally, also in hospital haha. This isn't my family, it's DH's (DH isn't Sick Person or Sibling 1 either).

I'd rather not disclose the illness if that's ok because it's not my illness and could be outing. Sick Person didn't want anyone to reach out on top of the calls and messages - they wanted to be asked how they are during those. The family does have a "golden child" problem so a lot of the focus is often on two siblings and not on the other two - I'm not sure if this is because they have a different dad or because they're one gender or something entirely different.

During the group calls, no one spoke to Sick Person, but they were there. Sick Person didn't speak at all during the calls. Messages to the group have involved a few bits and pieces - photos of a trip to the zoo, one sibling asking MIL about a work event she had, FIL and BIL talking about some DIY/plumbing thing, MIL winning a competition, talk about the Jubilee, messages about the VONC on Boris etc.

Sick Person has said to me (I'm close to Sick Person but also close to all the siblings and MIL and FIL so not taking sides) that they're upset that no one seems to acknowledge their existence. They feel that, when another sibling had this illness, they made an effort to help out and check on them but that no siblings have offered support. They said that, when they bring things up, they're made to feel like a "burden" so they avoid bringing it up themselves. Sick Person, I think, is quite frustrated with being sick because they're very independent usually so I don't think they like be reliant like that. MIL and DH have both spoken to them since but other siblings haven't.

I thought Sick Person's message was pretty blunt but I also thought they had a point - no one has even noticed them not saying anything in weeks, including in a video call (myself included).

I'm not Sick Person or Sibling 1 - although I am, incidentally, also in hospital haha. This isn't my family, it's DH's (DH isn't Sick Person or Sibling 1 either).

I'd rather not disclose the illness if that's ok because it's not my illness and could be outing. Sick Person didn't want anyone to reach out on top of the calls and messages - they wanted to be asked how they are during those. The family does have a "golden child" problem so a lot of the focus is often on two siblings and not on the other two - I'm not sure if this is because they have a different dad or because they're one gender or something entirely different.

During the group calls, no one spoke to Sick Person, but they were there. Sick Person didn't speak at all during the calls. Messages to the group have involved a few bits and pieces - photos of a trip to the zoo, one sibling asking MIL about a work event she had, FIL and BIL talking about some DIY/plumbing thing, MIL winning a competition, talk about the Jubilee, messages about the VONC on Boris etc.

Sick Person has said to me (I'm close to Sick Person but also close to all the siblings and MIL and FIL so not taking sides) that they're upset that no one seems to acknowledge their existence. They feel that, when another sibling had this illness, they made an effort to help out and check on them but that no siblings have offered support. They said that, when they bring things up, they're made to feel like a "burden" so they avoid bringing it up themselves. Sick Person, I think, is quite frustrated with being sick because they're very independent usually so I don't think they like be reliant like that. MIL and DH have both spoken to them since but other siblings haven't.

I thought Sick Person's message was pretty blunt but I also thought they had a point - no one has even noticed them not saying anything in weeks, including in a video call (myself included).

I'm not Sick Person or Sibling 1 - although I am, incidentally, also in hospital haha. This isn't my family, it's DH's (DH isn't Sick Person or Sibling 1 either).

I'd rather not disclose the illness if that's ok because it's not my illness and could be outing. Sick Person didn't want anyone to reach out on top of the calls and messages - they wanted to be asked how they are during those. The family does have a "golden child" problem so a lot of the focus is often on two siblings and not on the other two - I'm not sure if this is because they have a different dad or because they're one gender or something entirely different.

During the group calls, no one spoke to Sick Person, but they were there. Sick Person didn't speak at all during the calls. Messages to the group have involved a few bits and pieces - photos of a trip to the zoo, one sibling asking MIL about a work event she had, FIL and BIL talking about some DIY/plumbing thing, MIL winning a competition, talk about the Jubilee, messages about the VONC on Boris etc.

Sick Person has said to me (I'm close to Sick Person but also close to all the siblings and MIL and FIL so not taking sides) that they're upset that no one seems to acknowledge their existence. They feel that, when another sibling had this illness, they made an effort to help out and check on them but that no siblings have offered support. They said that, when they bring things up, they're made to feel like a "burden" so they avoid bringing it up themselves. Sick Person, I think, is quite frustrated with being sick because they're very independent usually so I don't think they like be reliant like that. MIL and DH have both spoken to them since but other siblings haven't.

I thought Sick Person's message was pretty blunt but I also thought they had a point - no one has even noticed them not saying anything in weeks, including in a video call (myself included).

I'm not Sick Person or Sibling 1 - although I am, incidentally, also in hospital haha. This isn't my family, it's DH's (DH isn't Sick Person or Sibling 1 either).

I'd rather not disclose the illness if that's ok because it's not my illness and could be outing. Sick Person didn't want anyone to reach out on top of the calls and messages - they wanted to be asked how they are during those. The family does have a "golden child" problem so a lot of the focus is often on two siblings and not on the other two - I'm not sure if this is because they have a different dad or because they're one gender or something entirely different.

During the group calls, no one spoke to Sick Person, but they were there. Sick Person didn't speak at all during the calls. Messages to the group have involved a few bits and pieces - photos of a trip to the zoo, one sibling asking MIL about a work event she had, FIL and BIL talking about some DIY/plumbing thing, MIL winning a competition, talk about the Jubilee, messages about the VONC on Boris etc.

Sick Person has said to me (I'm close to Sick Person but also close to all the siblings and MIL and FIL so not taking sides) that they're upset that no one seems to acknowledge their existence. They feel that, when another sibling had this illness, they made an effort to help out and check on them but that no siblings have offered support. They said that, when they bring things up, they're made to feel like a "burden" so they avoid bringing it up themselves. Sick Person, I think, is quite frustrated with being sick because they're very independent usually so I don't think they like be reliant like that. MIL and DH have both spoken to them since but other siblings haven't.

I thought Sick Person's message was pretty blunt but I also thought they had a point - no one has even noticed them not saying anything in weeks, including in a video call (myself included).

I'm not Sick Person or Sibling 1 - although I am, incidentally, also in hospital haha. This isn't my family, it's DH's (DH isn't Sick Person or Sibling 1 either).

I'd rather not disclose the illness if that's ok because it's not my illness and could be outing. Sick Person didn't want anyone to reach out on top of the calls and messages - they wanted to be asked how they are during those. The family does have a "golden child" problem so a lot of the focus is often on two siblings and not on the other two - I'm not sure if this is because they have a different dad or because they're one gender or something entirely different.

During the group calls, no one spoke to Sick Person, but they were there. Sick Person didn't speak at all during the calls. Messages to the group have involved a few bits and pieces - photos of a trip to the zoo, one sibling asking MIL about a work event she had, FIL and BIL talking about some DIY/plumbing thing, MIL winning a competition, talk about the Jubilee, messages about the VONC on Boris etc.

Sick Person has said to me (I'm close to Sick Person but also close to all the siblings and MIL and FIL so not taking sides) that they're upset that no one seems to acknowledge their existence. They feel that, when another sibling had this illness, they made an effort to help out and check on them but that no siblings have offered support. They said that, when they bring things up, they're made to feel like a "burden" so they avoid bringing it up themselves. Sick Person, I think, is quite frustrated with being sick because they're very independent usually so I don't think they like be reliant like that. MIL and DH have both spoken to them since but other siblings haven't.

I thought Sick Person's message was pretty blunt but I also thought they had a point - no one has even noticed them not saying anything in weeks, including in a video call (myself included).

I'm not Sick Person or Sibling 1 - although I am, incidentally, also in hospital haha. This isn't my family, it's DH's (DH isn't Sick Person or Sibling 1 either).

I'd rather not disclose the illness if that's ok because it's not my illness and could be outing. Sick Person didn't want anyone to reach out on top of the calls and messages - they wanted to be asked how they are during those. The family does have a "golden child" problem so a lot of the focus is often on two siblings and not on the other two - I'm not sure if this is because they have a different dad or because they're one gender or something entirely different.

During the group calls, no one spoke to Sick Person, but they were there. Sick Person didn't speak at all during the calls. Messages to the group have involved a few bits and pieces - photos of a trip to the zoo, one sibling asking MIL about a work event she had, FIL and BIL talking about some DIY/plumbing thing, MIL winning a competition, talk about the Jubilee, messages about the VONC on Boris etc.

Sick Person has said to me (I'm close to Sick Person but also close to all the siblings and MIL and FIL so not taking sides) that they're upset that no one seems to acknowledge their existence. They feel that, when another sibling had this illness, they made an effort to help out and check on them but that no siblings have offered support. They said that, when they bring things up, they're made to feel like a "burden" so they avoid bringing it up themselves. Sick Person, I think, is quite frustrated with being sick because they're very independent usually so I don't think they like be reliant like that. MIL and DH have both spoken to them since but other siblings haven't.

I thought Sick Person's message was pretty blunt but I also thought they had a point - no one has even noticed them not saying anything in weeks, including in a video call (myself included).

I'm not Sick Person or Sibling 1 - although I am, incidentally, also in hospital haha. This isn't my family, it's DH's (DH isn't Sick Person or Sibling 1 either).

I'd rather not disclose the illness if that's ok because it's not my illness and could be outing. Sick Person didn't want anyone to reach out on top of the calls and messages - they wanted to be asked how they are during those. The family does have a "golden child" problem so a lot of the focus is often on two siblings and not on the other two - I'm not sure if this is because they have a different dad or because they're one gender or something entirely different.

During the group calls, no one spoke to Sick Person, but they were there. Sick Person didn't speak at all during the calls. Messages to the group have involved a few bits and pieces - photos of a trip to the zoo, one sibling asking MIL about a work event she had, FIL and BIL talking about some DIY/plumbing thing, MIL winning a competition, talk about the Jubilee, messages about the VONC on Boris etc.

Sick Person has said to me (I'm close to Sick Person but also close to all the siblings and MIL and FIL so not taking sides) that they're upset that no one seems to acknowledge their existence. They feel that, when another sibling had this illness, they made an effort to help out and check on them but that no siblings have offered support. They said that, when they bring things up, they're made to feel like a "burden" so they avoid bringing it up themselves. Sick Person, I think, is quite frustrated with being sick because they're very independent usually so I don't think they like be reliant like that. MIL and DH have both spoken to them since but other siblings haven't.

I thought Sick Person's message was pretty blunt but I also thought they had a point - no one has even noticed them not saying anything in weeks, including in a video call (myself included).

During the group calls, no one spoke to Sick Person, but they were there. Sick Person didn't speak at all during the calls.
Sick person is doubling down on the martyrdom.
Why didn't they speak? Sounds still churlish and attention seeking. Does everyone wait to be spoken to to speak?