Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you let 15yo DS sleep or "hang out" in the same bed as 15yo GF?

100 replies

SobranieCocktail · 12/06/2022 08:24

DS has been with GF for about five months. She lives about 5 hours bus journey away. We (and GF's parents) have allowed them to have a few sleepovers, so they can hang out at home rather than meeting at an unfamiliar town in a middlish point.

The rules are sleeping in separate rooms, and if they're in the bedroom they have to have the door open.

DS (who is usually pretty good at abiding by the rules) has broken the "open door" rule a couple of times, and this morning found that he'd got up early (7... I heard him) to get into bed with GF. I called him out to discuss it with him, and it transpires that he had sex with GF while up at her house (but supposedly not here).

I'm inclined to say no more sleepovers, and tell the other parents why.

However we usually have a good relationship with DS, and he has shown considerable responsibility in other areas of his life. If we say no sleepovers, we're basically saying they can't meet in person anymore, and I imagine he will be really sad and angry about it. Is it worth holding the line on this?

Or maybe we just redouble our attempts to make them abide by the sleepover rules?

Put this in AIBU for the poll so I can use the stats to discuss with DS!

YABU - at 15 sharing a bed is okay
YANBU - they should not be sharing a bed

OP posts:
Helpyou · 12/06/2022 08:27

How close to 16 are they? Have you discussed protection etc... the thing is, they'll find a way to have sex even if you ban sharing a bed. So perhaps it's better to be more open about being careful etc...
Also you could ask her parents what she thinks maybe.

NoSquirrels · 12/06/2022 08:29

Whilst they’re underage I think you have to hold the line. I’m not surprised they’ve had sex, but at 15 I couldn’t feel happy to encourage it.

I wouldn’t stop sleepovers wholesale but I would reiterate the house rules and make him understand you will stop sleepovers if they’re not respectful.

Clymene · 12/06/2022 08:33

Talk to the girl's parents. You had agreed terms and they've broken them. You need to agree a way forward with them.

I'd be just as worried about the fact that they've embarked on a LDR in the middle of their GCSEs!

toomuchlaundry · 12/06/2022 08:33

How did they meet if you live 5 hours away?

user1471505356 · 12/06/2022 08:35

They are having sex, that boat has sailed good information on health issues must be your priority.

Assistanttotheregionalmanager · 12/06/2022 08:35

At 15 i did far worse but I wouldn’t condone it at all.

hopeishere · 12/06/2022 08:36

Sex at 15 blows my mind. The ship has sailed though they're not going to stop so you just need to ensure she doesn't get pregnant.

Clymene · 12/06/2022 08:37

Oh sorry I have t got my glasses on and I thought it said she was 16. Guess they're year 10 then, not year 11

Ragwort · 12/06/2022 08:37

No I wouldn't ... but I recognise that my DS has got to the age of 21 without us having to have any of those awkward conversations ....

Marvellousmadness · 12/06/2022 08:38

They already had sex
Do you think no more sleepovers is going to help?
Talk with your kid about safe sex etc.
The no sex boat has sailed
Stop being naive.

Applegreenb · 12/06/2022 08:40

They have had sex….they are going to continue whether you allow them to stay in the same bed or not.

Have the safe sex talk, make sure they are using protection etc and I would let them sleep in the same bed. I would rather they where doing it in a safe warm house whether protection is available than in a park or behind a bus shelter.

IMO it’s going to happen whether you agree with it or not

Lovemypeaceandquiet · 12/06/2022 08:41

Better have a contraception talk before they make you a grandma

Singleandproud · 12/06/2022 08:42

If this is an important boundary for you then you need to follow through, go down the disappointed not angry route.

Actions have consequences, they broke the rules that you and the other parents laid out. Sanction them - no sleepovers for a month and if they do it again before they are 16 no sleepovers at all. They have video chat etc they'll survive.

stevalnamechanger · 12/06/2022 08:42

Applegreenb · 12/06/2022 08:40

They have had sex….they are going to continue whether you allow them to stay in the same bed or not.

Have the safe sex talk, make sure they are using protection etc and I would let them sleep in the same bed. I would rather they where doing it in a safe warm house whether protection is available than in a park or behind a bus shelter.

IMO it’s going to happen whether you agree with it or not

Exactly this

littlefireseverywhere · 12/06/2022 08:44

I’d probably let them carry on, how near 16 are they?

cherrypiepie · 12/06/2022 08:44

Also how did they meet?

DelurkingAJ · 12/06/2022 08:46

Yes, they will still have sex but, frankly, I wouldn’t condone it pre-16. It feels like facilitating. And sharing a bed is somehow making the relationship more serious than I would want my DC to have at 15. Agree re telling her parents and having a firm contraception discussion.

1moreyear · 12/06/2022 08:46

Well if they know you're disappointed they're not going to tell you next time are they so how will you know if it happens again?

I think reiterate your rules but accept it's probably going to happen and ramp up the safe sex talk.

Maybe talk about how you and his dad handled contraception, might put him off sex for life 🤣

orangeisthenewpuce · 12/06/2022 08:47

If you're quite happy with them shagging all night then allow it. I wouldn't.

Original poster
SobranieCocktail · 12/06/2022 08:48

Clymene · 12/06/2022 08:33

Talk to the girl's parents. You had agreed terms and they've broken them. You need to agree a way forward with them.

I'd be just as worried about the fact that they've embarked on a LDR in the middle of their GCSEs!

Well this is what I mean about usually being responsible. I felt they were both very good/mature about prioritising their exams (all finished now, not GCSEs). DS worked really hard and is expected to do very well. He's also been doing really well in other hobbies/projects, and is exceptionally helpful around the house.

I've just had another chat with him to emphasise that we want the best for him, and that at 15 he might not have the emotional maturity to be dealing with a sexual relationship, and that DH and I are here to talk to if there's anything he needs to ask/chat about.

We've already had another chat about condoms/birth control and he's assured me that they've been sensible on that front. GFs mother apparently already knows, and has been helping her get the pill.

OP posts:
cottagegardenflower · 12/06/2022 08:50

The girls parents need informing as it's more important that their daughter is aware of good birth control.

Furrbabymama1987 · 12/06/2022 08:52

I'm not sure what the answer is. 15 is a grey area because they're almost 16 when it's legal for them to do it and they've already started so it's unlikely they will stop. But I can see why it would be unwise to actively encourage by allowing the sleepovers. I wasn't allowed sleepovers till I was 17, but I was having sex at 15, we just did it in secret. At their age it will probably fizzle out eventually anyway so I'm torn between stopping the sleepovers or just allowing them but trying to keep them in separate rooms and making sure they're using contraception if it does happen.

SleepingStandingUp · 12/06/2022 08:54

As they apparently know, I'd be telling DS you'll be talking to them. It's a bit horse and stable door now. Other than banning contact, they will have sex again. If it isn't at yours, it'll be at hers. If he's banned from hers and they're meeting mid point it'll be somewhere else.

What's the legal age where you are?

Clymene · 12/06/2022 08:55

So her parents know they're having sex and that they haven't adhered to the separate rooms rule you agreed? I think I'd be annoyed about that.

It's a shame he didn't speak to you rather than sneaking around. Have either of them had sex before? Should they not be taking std tests if they're not using barrier methods of contraception?

CheckingIn · 12/06/2022 08:56

I'd uphold the same rule - otherwise they'll learn that by breaking the rule, the rule no longer exists. That's not how rules work. However, I wouldn't extend or exacerbate the rule because of this behaviour - because that's also not how rules work.

I think it was pretty dumb and exceptionally naive to think that they wouldn't have sex because you didn't let them share a bed. It's like thinking a dog won't eat the steak you dropped on the floor because you didn't put it on a plate.

I also wouldn't "punish" them for this. Whilst they're underage, they have their own bodies and punishing them to the extent that they feel anyone other than themself and their partner have any say or control in their sex life is wrong. Everyone needs to learn that no one outside the relationship has a right to dictate their preferences or what they do with their bodies.

My major concern is that, as the DS of the male in this scenario, he's often seen as the "aggressor" despite both sides playing equal part - and, if she were to get pregnant, his rights are very limited. I'm not discussing how right or wrong this is, but (from your perspective, prioritising your DS) it's something to consider. I'd send him an email with links about contraception and contraception failures and also about father's rights and the rights of children to "consent", the current law and prosecution guidelines, and links that make it clear than some women (especially very young and naive women) do lie about contraception and rape sometimes.

They won't stop having sex, so, if I were you, I'd make condoms available. If I were you, I'd even get different types and flavours etc because if they look "exciting" then they're more likely to use them. Your concern shouldn't be whether they have sex - it's happened, it will happen again and (realistically) they aren't hurting anyone. You concern should be protecting DS from when sexual relationships can go wrong - which means condoms.

Swipe left for the next trending thread