Would you let 15yo DS sleep or "hang out" in the same bed as 15yo GF?

[SobranieCocktail]

DS has been with GF for about five months. She lives about 5 hours bus journey away. We (and GF's parents) have allowed them to have a few sleepovers, so they can hang out at home rather than meeting at an unfamiliar town in a middlish point.

The rules are sleeping in separate rooms, and if they're in the bedroom they have to have the door open.

DS (who is usually pretty good at abiding by the rules) has broken the "open door" rule a couple of times, and this morning found that he'd got up early (7... I heard him) to get into bed with GF. I called him out to discuss it with him, and it transpires that he had sex with GF while up at her house (but supposedly not here).

I'm inclined to say no more sleepovers, and tell the other parents why.

However we usually have a good relationship with DS, and he has shown considerable responsibility in other areas of his life. If we say no sleepovers, we're basically saying they can't meet in person anymore, and I imagine he will be really sad and angry about it. Is it worth holding the line on this?

Or maybe we just redouble our attempts to make them abide by the sleepover rules?

Put this in AIBU for the poll so I can use the stats to discuss with DS!

YABU - at 15 sharing a bed is okay
YANBU - they should not be sharing a bed

This is really unhelpful.

I think you're in the relatively unusual position of knowing more about what your teen DS is up to than most (though parents tend to think they know!) sometimes it's a case of TMI to be honest, because the more you know the more you feel obliged to take the 'right' stance, whereas a lot of teens are having sex and the parents are non the wiser.
I don't see the point in stopping the sleep overs. Now your DS has experienced sex he isn't going to give it up because of anything you say or do. Make it impossible for him to see this GF and there's nothing stopping him finding another and having sex with her. At least in this case the girls parents are aware and they both seem to be acting sensibly.

I’d be very concerned by the emotional fallout of two year 10s being allowed to play house and have legitimised sleepovers but what’s done is done

i’d turn a blind eye to any sneaking around, but reiterate to your son that he should wear a condom every time

the amount of doughnuts that are on here with ‘am I preganonte?’, grown women who don’t take their pills properly by forgetting, or having d&v and not following the correct protocol afterwards. I don’t know why they give it out to children to take when they could have longer acting contraception that is a lower dose of hormones over a longer period of time.

I would concentrate on making sure he knows about:

how the pill fails (d&v, not taking it as instructed, skipping a day, antibiotics, some herbal remedies, sometimes just because);

about how condoms fail (tears, lube, putting it on too late, not taking it off carefully, sometimes just because)

about how the morning after pill works and how you get it, and why it doesnt always work.

He should also have had a conversation with his gf about how she feels about hormonal contraception, about what she might want to do if she got pregnant.

If he's old enough to have sex then he's old enough to consider the consequencies.

Agree with the posters who say keep the rules in place. The fact he blatantly decided they didn’t apply after sunrise, the age issues, the complicated comms with her parents and the fact it’s his first relationship all mean there is no need to create a love nest for them, supplying their condoms.

Apart from anything by else, wouldn’t it be a green light to have non-stop shagging in your house?

@CheckingIn very good advice!

Laughing pp's comment that 15 year old's having sex is mind blowing. 15 year olds were having sex 26 years ago when I was 15 and have been since the beginning of time.
In fact there are far fewer underage pregnancies now than there used to be.
OP it's a tough one. The likelihood is even if you stop the sleepovers they'll continue to have sex. Make sure you make clear that it's illegal and you can't condone it. Make sure he has a good supply of condoms and hammer home the importance of using them even if girlfriend is on the pill (I fell pregnant while on the pill at 32. It probably was my error but it happens).

BTW for those suggesting your son will be prosecuted for having sex with his 6 months younger girlfriend when he turns 16; while legally this is possible, in practice it just doesn't happen.

Agree. I work in healthcare and you'd be surprised what some 8 year olds get up to never mind 15 :-(

I don't really see the point in stopping them now. They're already having sex. Can't put that cork back in the bottle. Saying "no" is more for your comfort and feelings than for his sake.

I don't agree with the 'they'll do it anyway' crowd. So why make it easy for them? Surely the less often they do it the less chance of pregnancy, sti's. I would never allow it.

I remember very clearly what it felt like to be 15, all those hormones! They absolutely will be wanting to have sex, and doing it. But I think permitting the bed sharing makes the relationship so much more grown up at this point. It should just be a fumble at the bus stop/when your parents go out for an hour and accidentally leave you scenario. As pp have said, make sure they have condoms availbale, but otherwise don't condone it. Otherwise the realtionship will just move too fast!

Totally agree. If you let them share a bed they will just shag more. You need to have some barriers in place to make it less frequent! At that age they will do it all the available time they have!
Unlike us adults who can moderate ourselves😁

Yes much better they have a rushed quickie at the bus stop than a safely planned session at home. 🙄

Have I missed something? You've never met her parents. You've spoken to someone on the phone and that person has said they're ok with 'their' underage DD having sex with your DS in 'their' house? And yet you're saying you're not naive ffs

fwiw all research into when teens have sex is showing teens are waiting longer than they did a decade ago. Your DS isn't really that sensible and responsible if he's having under-age sex. It's fairly unusual nowadays.

I would have thought the best way to put them off if you want to put them off would be sitting them down together and discussing condoms, and lube, sexual positions , having a lovely practical discussion with them

Interesting spin you've put on the story there. I've spoken to the mum, and the dad, and the gran. I've seen them in video calls. I've googled them, and checked their Facebook and LinkedIn profiles. They are in jobs that most would regard as particularly law abiding. I haven't said that the mum is okay with them having sex, I've said that she's aware as her DD told her, and has done IMO the sensible thing, and has made sure she has access to birth control.

I agree that DS is worryingly young to be in a sexual relationship, and we have had a conversation today about that.

So yes I am saying I'm "not naive ffs".

But please, do give me your insight on what's "really" happening. There's fuck all on the telly tonight and I could do with some fictional drama.

I don't think sex at 15 with a steady GF is that odd. I would rather know that they are being safe in my home then trying to meet up in secret. I think just making sure your son uses protection and has access to this, would be the better thing to do. You can still insist on separate rooms.

It’s not unusual i. Yr 10. I agree wouldn’t condone it at all but would make sure of contraception. Other than that, honestly I’d prefer it happens safely. Or they meet I. Nearby town and what happens? But I would speak to other parents to be on same page

...."fwiw all research into when teens have sex is showing teens are waiting longer than they did a decade ago. Your DS isn't really that sensible and responsible if he's having under-age sex. It's fairly unusual nowadays."

@DaisyQuakeJohnsonand which fucking planet are you on??

No need for swearing or rudeness. The research over the last few years has consistently shown that most teens are waiting longer to have sex than they did a decade ago. You may not like those facts. They may not suit your agenda but that doesn't change them.

As for you OP, I didn't create any fiction. I stuck to the facts you'd posted. It's still unclear that you've actually spoken to the girl's parents about the DCs having sex. Or if you're relying on the teens. But I'm out. Good luck. I genuinely hope you and the girl's parents find a way through this. The last thing anyone needs is an underage pregnancy.

I'm old school - personally I wouldn't let my kids share a bed with their partners at all in my house unless they were engaged.

My DNeice was caught sneaking out at night to go over to her boyfriend's house to spend the night in his room at just turned 15. BIL and SIL took a hardline stance and told them they were banned from seeing each other.

She gave birth not long after her 16th birthday.

OP, the genie is out of the bottle. They WILL continue to have sex no matter what you do now. The best thing you can do is recognise this and take them both down to the local sexual health clinic to get contraceptive and safe sex advice.

Frankly I wouldn't have even entertained a LDR at this age anyway! How on earth did that come about? That was asking for trouble imo

They're just too young.

At this point I'd be putting a stop to any sleepovers until she is 16. With the summer coming up I don't see a problem them having supervised day trips etc but no more sleepovers.

I don't even hardly know where to start with the post about lying about rape and contraception nor even the one that says the law is not meant to apply to 2 kids having sex as if 15 year olds (boys and girls) can't be sexual predators! The first time I was sexually assaulted was by a 12 year old!

Young girls don't in the vast majority of cases lie about contraception but they do quite often not understand how it works or how they have to take oral contraception for it to be as effective as possible

And of course NO contraception is 100% and teens are extremely fertile!

In addition there are infections - not just stis - that can be passed on during sex. This is why condoms are essential every single time.

Personally I wouldn't have allowed the relationship to have developed to meeting in person in the first place I don't understand that at all!

I was having (safe) sex at 15 and was not scarred for life; my hormones were bubbling. I’m early 40s now, so don’t shoot me down in flames please.

Given that they are near to 16 and that her parents are aware, l feel any attempt to block things would cause resentment and difficulties.

l would just try to drill home the safe sex message and the importance of respect for young women.