Would you let 15yo DS sleep or "hang out" in the same bed as 15yo GF?

[SobranieCocktail]

DS has been with GF for about five months. She lives about 5 hours bus journey away. We (and GF's parents) have allowed them to have a few sleepovers, so they can hang out at home rather than meeting at an unfamiliar town in a middlish point.

The rules are sleeping in separate rooms, and if they're in the bedroom they have to have the door open.

DS (who is usually pretty good at abiding by the rules) has broken the "open door" rule a couple of times, and this morning found that he'd got up early (7... I heard him) to get into bed with GF. I called him out to discuss it with him, and it transpires that he had sex with GF while up at her house (but supposedly not here).

I'm inclined to say no more sleepovers, and tell the other parents why.

However we usually have a good relationship with DS, and he has shown considerable responsibility in other areas of his life. If we say no sleepovers, we're basically saying they can't meet in person anymore, and I imagine he will be really sad and angry about it. Is it worth holding the line on this?

Or maybe we just redouble our attempts to make them abide by the sleepover rules?

Put this in AIBU for the poll so I can use the stats to discuss with DS!

YABU - at 15 sharing a bed is okay
YANBU - they should not be sharing a bed

Legal age is 16. DS is nearly 16. GF is about 6 months younger.

They definitely have separate bedrooms at GF's house, but are allowed to hang out in her bedroom during the day. Maybe they don't insist on open door? I'll need to check.

I forgot the say, I think the reason why I'd suggest sending an email with links rather than an in-person discussion or saying anything about how you feel etc is because:

1. A 15yo won't care about your opinion, he'll switch off and ignore you


2. A conversation will make him feel awkward and he won't be in a frame of mind to listen


3. He'll check the links out of morbid curiosity to see what you've sent and something is likely to stick

"I think it was pretty dumb and exceptionally naive to think that they wouldn't have sex because you didn't let them share a bed." I'm really not "dumb" or "naive". I hoped he wouldn't have sex yet as we've had many conversations about the risks and responsibilities of being in a sexual relationship. Not sure how you think that makes me stupid.

Please don't tell him that girls routinely lie about contraception and rape either.

What a load of nasty misogynist claptrap.

The ship has sailed and tbh I don't think there's anything you could have done to stop it. My parents had ALL the talks with me yet around his age is when I first tried drinking, smoking and sex. I mean just tried it - not get hooked on a 20 a day habit and shagging boys on park benches. You need to approach this sensibly - have all the talks about contraception, boundaries, respect and all that good stuff. If I were you I'd let them hang out in your homes but avoid sleep overs.

No one said "routinely" - but it happens, especially with young people who don't always behave correctly. It's not misogynistic, it's a fact. There have been posts on MN where people have lied about contraception. DS should be made very clear that he needs to wear a condom - that's the MN official party line, right? If OP is back here in a few months saying the GF either lied about contraception or that the contraception failed then she'd be robustly told he should've worn a condom.

We don't know the GFs parents broke them - maybe they popped to the shop or had to take a younger sibling somewhere and left 2 15 year olds unattended for half an hour.

Whilst it's illegal, prosecution is extremely unlikely if it's consensual and I think that whilst maintaining the open door and separate bed things is sensible, I think providing condoms, keeping an open dialog and acknowledging that they will have sex (in parks, bus shelters, friends houses) is more important.

At that age, my friends with parents who were really strict about these things ended up having risky sex in public places and without protection. There's a happy medium to be struck.

They’re 15, coming up to 16, there is no way you will ever stop them having sex unfortunately. You just have to hope you’ve guided him enough to be sensible and safe, maybe buy him some condoms and leave them on his bed?

Your house your rules though so they need to be abiding by those rules or the sleepovers stop - that’s just respect 101.
GFs parents rules may differ slightly to yours and they may go out shopping or something and leave them in the house together which is ample time for teenagers to do the deed.

You set a rule and they broke it. Now it’s time for consequences. At 15 or 16 there’s still plenty of time for your DS to be pushing all sorts of boundaries and he needs to be parented still. Maybe a few weeks of no sleepovers at all with a view to reconsidering the sleepover rules once his GF turns 16.

@Thebeastofsleep - I didn't mean her parents had broken the rules, i meant the kids had and so the OP should tell the girl's parents. Apologies - the word they was doing a lot of heavy lifting in that post!

@CheckingIn - no, disagree. You say to him that contraception is his responsibility as much as hers and that to be safe, and protect himself from getting anyone pregnant, he should always use a condom. No condom, no sex.

You don't need to tell him girls lie about contraception. Note you didn't mention the fact that you also said girls lie about being raped.

So, you think OP should intentionally withhold facts that may encourage DS to do the right thing from her DS because you find those facts offensive?

I’m pretty laid back with my kids but would be furious to find out that my underage ds was having sex with his also underage gf with the full knowledge of the other parents.

I would reiterate the rules in my home and he wouldn’t be staying there again.

They are year 10? Allegedly her parents are ok with it, really? Are you sure they are not saying same in reverse to them? How did they meet if they live so far apart.

They're not just 'sleeping' or hanging out' in bed they're having sex. Why are you tip-toing around the subject? Lots of sound advice regarding contraception already on here. I wouldn't encourage sleepovers with the opposite sex at 15 as I'm not naive to the high possibility of what might ensue. Did I miss how they met? Are they old family friends who moved away - if so you should be having some frank conversations with her parents. If they aren't people you know then that's a high risk situation you've enabled. Deal with it calmly and openly.

Absolutely not. I don't desire for my DC to become a teenage parent.

I said the mum knows about it. She might not be okay about it! I imagine she might be holding that space between making sure they are as safe as possible without actually condoning it.

Well I was doing this at 15 and I am not a teenage parent. Our parents were ok with it, having grown up in a culture where 19 is a normal age for first child. I didn’t have my first child till I was 30.

However, I think I’d give them another chance to stick to the rules. They don’t have to be in a bed to be having sex…

" They're not just 'sleeping' or hanging out' in bed they're having sex. Why are you tip-toing around the subject"

I am so far from "tiptoeing" 😂. My poor DS has been subjected to numerous cringe-inducing conversations about his sex life. I used those words, as they are the words DS used when trying to justify being in the same bed as his GF.

They meet online by the way. I've had several phone and WhatsApp conversations with the parents, and they seem reasonably sensible.

Hard agree.

They will find a way if they want to. You don't have to be actively encouraging it to have conversations with DS about safe sex, open communication and consent.

I would be wary of the "mum has helped her get on the pill" etc. That's all well and good, but your ds still needs a condom.

Girls lying about rape is not a fact @CheckingIn - it's a misogynist trope.

I'm sure this conversation is of no help to the OP and seeing as you've called her dumb and naive, I'm not sure she's interested in your misogyny either.

Talk to her parents, if they are ok with them sharing I would now let them. They are young but they seem to be serious and are engaging with parents on things like contraception. I know my dd was 15 (but she snuck off to his house after school when his parents were at work and I thought she was studying in the library, it was open until 5, school finished at 3) if found out years later

No, because if she becomes pregnant then by allowing it, I've become partly responsible for the pregnancy.
If they have sex anywhere but in my home and I don't know about it, then I can't be held accountable.
If her parents are daft enough to allow them to sleep together in their home, then their daughter becoming pregnant is on them.
I wouldn't allow her to sleep over either if they can't be trusted.

Do you want your ds to be a dad at 16? No? Then no more sleepovers. If you weren’t aware he was sexually active then there’s a risk that he isn’t using condoms every single time he’s having sex. Worse, it might be the case that his gf says “no need to use a condom - I’m on the pill”… But might not be taking the pill everyday.

Explain to your ds that he MUST wear a condom EVERY time, even if his gf claims to be on the pill, implant etc.