Would you let 15yo DS sleep or "hang out" in the same bed as 15yo GF?

[SobranieCocktail]

DS has been with GF for about five months. She lives about 5 hours bus journey away. We (and GF's parents) have allowed them to have a few sleepovers, so they can hang out at home rather than meeting at an unfamiliar town in a middlish point.

The rules are sleeping in separate rooms, and if they're in the bedroom they have to have the door open.

DS (who is usually pretty good at abiding by the rules) has broken the "open door" rule a couple of times, and this morning found that he'd got up early (7... I heard him) to get into bed with GF. I called him out to discuss it with him, and it transpires that he had sex with GF while up at her house (but supposedly not here).

I'm inclined to say no more sleepovers, and tell the other parents why.

However we usually have a good relationship with DS, and he has shown considerable responsibility in other areas of his life. If we say no sleepovers, we're basically saying they can't meet in person anymore, and I imagine he will be really sad and angry about it. Is it worth holding the line on this?

Or maybe we just redouble our attempts to make them abide by the sleepover rules?

Put this in AIBU for the poll so I can use the stats to discuss with DS!

YABU - at 15 sharing a bed is okay
YANBU - they should not be sharing a bed

The GF's DM is being very responsible by ensuring her daughter is on the pill and has presumably recognised that it's better to be safe than sorry.

I wouldn't let them share a bed overnight but I'd keep the lines of communication open. Provided it's a respectful relationship, I don't think sex at 15 is a huge deal when the same age, although not having sex would obvs be preferable

No.

It doesn’t matter whether they’re doing it or not. The fact they have doesn’t mean you have to give them the green light.

Where do you draw the line? 14? 13?

Added to which, he is almost 16, and she isn’t. So once he turns 16, he will be breaking the law by having sex with her as she’s under age. While they’re both just 15 it’s one thing, but once one of them isn’t the law is very clear, and he absolutely needs to understand that or he could find himself in trouble if e.g. they broke up and her parents decided to make things difficult.

Also, you saying her parents know? I’m assuming then you’ve spoken to them and you’ve heard that from them personally? Because if not then I’d be wary of believing them, and I would certainly have a conversation with the parents before just agreeing to it on the basis they’re playing you off against one another.

Listen I was having my boyfriend at the time climb through my bedroom window and then climb back out just before morning, they have started now so they definitely will not stop. I would perhaps suggest a same bed is ok for visits now considering they will find a way to do it anyway so might as well make them safe. She lives 5 hours away so it’s not like they will be sharing the same bed all the time, therefore I think the worry of a serious sexual relationship might be a bit unfounded. You’ve done all you can do!

I don't think you're going to stop them having sex and I wouldn't be massively alarmed about 2 15YOs who seem to be in a loving and commited relationship having sex tbh. However I'd be having serious talks with DS about protection and consent. Consent is the issue that might well bite your DS on the backside if things do turn pearshaped as pp have said as he will be deemed to be the consenting adult once 16. I'd be making absolutely sure that the girl's parents realise what's happening (sounds like they do) and making this a condition of them spending time together. Otherwise though I don't think you're going to stop them. I guess it depends how 'icky' you find it whether you allow them to use your house as one of their hangouts. I think I would personally as they both sound pretty responsible and competent to make this lifestyle decision

There are a few issues to address here. First, as others have said, they've already had sex, so that boat has sailed. They will continue to have sex whether you allow them to sleep together at your place or not. So, would you rather they did it in comfort, under your roof, or behind a dumpster?
Another issue is the "rule-breaking" - your son broke your confidence and needs to know you are disappointed about that (rather than about the sex). As someone else said, I'd tend to keep the rule as before rather than alter it just because they broke it. And if they are sleeping separately and just creeping in together to have sex, it's more "planned" and more likely to result in condom use than a sleepy shag in the middle of the night when neither can be bothered to get up for a Johnny.
Then there's the issue of your degree of comfort with the whole thing. You shouldn't be made to feel awkward in your own home. If you do, then that's the issue to address.
As well as this, I'd be having the "old enough to have sex, old enough to use a condom" chat. I wouldn't, however, be speaking to the girl's parents - she is their responsibility, you would be interfering (and it could easily upset your relationship with both her and your son). Encourage her to have the chat with her parents if you must do anything.

**"I wouldn't, however, be speaking to the girl's parents - she is their responsibility, you would be interfering (and it could easily upset your relationship with both her and your son). Encourage her to have the chat with her parents if you must do anything "

Except that how you deal with this depends very much on the girl's parent's views. If they're avidly against it and they see you as the party facilitating it then they're much more likely to take legal action against the son. I think it's important to be seen as collaborative with them.

I haven't RTFT but read all OP replies so I may be going against the grain here but personally, I think it's good that he was honest with you and felt able to have that conversation. They've started having sex now so it's unlikely they'll stop regardless of what you do but at least you know he would talk to you if he did have any trouble.

I wouldn't be particularly happy about it and I definitely wouldn't want to hear it etc but I'd rather they were safe in my house or her house than meeting at some random town halfway etc. It would be naive to assume that stopping sleepovers would stop contact between them, they'll find a way if they want to

The most important thing is that he needs to consider the very serious consequences of having sex with her when he is 16 and he is not.

I wouldn't, however, be speaking to the girl's parents - she is their responsibility, you would be interfering (and it could easily upset your relationship with both her and your son). Encourage her to have the chat with her parents if you must do anything.

I absolutely would speak to the girl’s parents if only to confirm that they actually are aware and have agreed to this. Because if they haven’t then they may well decide to take things further down the line.

Also, I would absolutely want to know if the parents really were involved or whether I was just being played. Because if the latter I would hit the roof.

It’s all very well saying “well they’ve done it, so you might as well let them carry on,” but where does that end? Should we stock up the alcohol because they’ve already had a drink? Buy some ashtrays if they’ve started to smoke?

They are children and while you can have the safe sex talk it’s IMO still important that you reiterate that actually having sex at 15 isn’t something to aspire to, and for him having sex with an under age girl is a definite no, and would be a definite no in my house. In fact yes, once he turned 16 I absolutely would stop the sleepovers.

My nephew went off to university as the father of a 1 year old and that's not something I'd wish on any teenager. Everything did work out but it was a huge strain on both teenage parents and their families. Contraception and mindfulness about it's potential failures are key.

He should be using a condom. He needs to understand that HE is responsible for his own body and should always take precautions himself, not leave it up to the woman and then complain if he gets her pregnant.

Contraception! Supply condoms or become a grandparent

I haven't voted because I don't think either option is "right". The bottom line is that if two 15 year olds decide to have sex, they will. What I, their parents, or anyone else, thinks is irrelevant. Personally I think it's too young. But neither that, nor all the talks in the world, will prevent them from going ahead. So even had the ship not already sailed, I think that I would have to opt for "this would not be my preference at all, but if it is going to happen I would rather it happened in a safe place and in a responsible way". I would rather know what is going on and have honesty than for it to happening god knows where and how.

isn't the legal age more about protecting children from predators, not other children?
Two 15 year old isn't the worry, the worry is a 15 year old and a 20 year old.

I think I'd let them have their privacy now. I wouldn't encourage them to sneak out and do it in a dirty park. or worse, make friends with older people who let you use their house because you're too you g and naive to realise they are paedophiles and not cool older friends

No . Males from 14 to 64 pretty much want sex at any time. But as kids they might think it's love or deeper feeling, and they have less impulse control

I just want to say as well that if DS feels comfortable enough with you that he's even telling you what's going on then you're clearly doing something very right 👌 This in itself is a massive protective factor for them both IMO

They've already lied to you. I wouldn't believe for a second that her mum has put her on the pill.

I’d let the sleep overs continue but I’d still have the rules in place, open door, and separate rooms. I wouldn’t encourage them sleeping in the same bed but I wouldn’t be surprised they are having sex.

it’s great he’s been open and honest with you, don’t ruin that by coming down too hard.

I think it's good that he was honest with you

But he wasn't - he only came clean when the OP caught him sneaking into the gf's room. If she hadn't heard him, she'd presumably still be none the wiser.

They're having sex. If you try to put barricades up to stop them then they will find a way. Surely they're better at home than in a train station toilet or park bench? Absolutely needs to know that they use both condoms and the pill when she gets it though.

Obviously they would have sex though, its not in the least bit surprising.

They’re 15, hold the line.

How on earth does a 15 year old manage to get a girlfriend who lives 5 hours away?

@Summerfun54321

"You set a rule and they broke it. Now it’s time for consequences. At 15 or 16 there’s still plenty of time for your DS to be pushing all sorts of boundaries and he needs to be parented still. Maybe a few weeks of no sleepovers at all with a view to reconsidering the sleepover rules once his GF turns 16."

This ^^

I agree.

The issue here is not the sexual activity it's the rule-breaking.

Now one boundary has been broken they need to learn that there are consequences to that behaviour, otherwise they'll just do it again with another boundary.

Watch TV series

16 & Pregnant

Just to clarify, he wasn't sneaking around. He was quite blatant about it! I heard him putting away the fold out bed in another room, so he had no intention of trying to hide it. My original post was prompted by the fact that he felt it was quite reasonable to go and "hang out" with GF in his bedroom and in his bed once the obligatory nighttime separate beds thing had come to an end.

I'm interested to see that there's a reasonable percentage of YABUs, meaning that some people would be okay with their 15yo being "officially" allowed to share a bed. I just don't think that would be right for us/him, even if it means we have to hold a contradictory stance of "forbidding" official bed sharing, but also recognising that it might happen, and making sure it's as safe as possible.

This would worry me when he is 16 and she is still 15. If they fall out and her parents go to the police. There was a similar case in our child protection training where the girl’s parents pursued a prosecution. Even if it is dropped that’s a very stressful situation to be in.