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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To assume I have been dumped

102 replies

Dumpedagainfml · 11/06/2022 16:21

Am I jaded or am I reasonable?

I had a long first date with a guy last weekend
we texted a bit
last heard from him on Thuraday night
I texted this morning ‘hey morning’ and a funny picture of being on holiday

I have not heard from him - he seen the message
I automatically assume he is ghosting me. Is this normal or am I so jaded?
if I dont hear from him by tomorrow I will assume its a one and done date - aibu to assume this? And just delete his contact.

I am not needy in a sense but I just would rather know one way or the other? i find this irritating flakiness beyond annoying - I am currently on a bus and every single person has their phone in their hand. Honestly. Two seconds ‘looks great - enjoy your day’. aibu.

OP posts:
Dumpedagainfml · 12/06/2022 12:40

I dunno if its over investment / neediness but I do tend to assume the worst then ruminate on that rather than the person specifically which I dont think its overly healthy
When communication is flowing and things are going fine I am
usually chill

anyway - I did message him
back but agree with PPs it will probably fizzle and he aint that bothered

OP posts:
Dumpedagainfml · 12/06/2022 12:40

Thanks for the opinions and advice ladies x x

OP posts:
MolkosTeenageAngst · 12/06/2022 13:01

I usually open and check messages when they come through if I am at work or busy in the day just in case they are something important but I rarely reply there and then. I find the offence some people take to being ‘left on read’ for a few hours a bit strange, do we really expect that everybody should immediately reply to messages all the time? It’s much quicker to read a message than write one, I don’t tend to reply to messages I receive when busy in the day until the evening. Is this really unusual behaviour?

Dumpedagainfml · 12/06/2022 13:04

MolkosTeenageAngst · 12/06/2022 13:01

I usually open and check messages when they come through if I am at work or busy in the day just in case they are something important but I rarely reply there and then. I find the offence some people take to being ‘left on read’ for a few hours a bit strange, do we really expect that everybody should immediately reply to messages all the time? It’s much quicker to read a message than write one, I don’t tend to reply to messages I receive when busy in the day until the evening. Is this really unusual behaviour?

No I dont think it is at all
i think it can be quite loaded in the early stages of dating - when you are trying to work out if someone is ‘interested’ or not etc - it is for me anyway

OP posts:
pigwood · 12/06/2022 13:07

You're already low on his list of priorities - and this is supposed to be when he's wanting to make a good impression ! It can only go downhill. Twist for sure op

mycatisannoying · 12/06/2022 13:10

He's not interested. Sorry OP.

Dumpedagainfml · 12/06/2022 14:48

mycatisannoying · 12/06/2022 13:10

He's not interested. Sorry OP.

Its ok I already knew that 💐💐
just wanted validation I suppose xx

OP posts:
thesurrealist · 12/06/2022 15:56

OLD is so shit. I've been there and had similar experiences. I find that the people who say you're needy and pathetic for wanting to knkw where you stand tend to be ones who have been lucky enough, so far, to not need to use OLD as they've probably been in their relationships for years.
When you're in that situation it is just one crushing experience after another.
Oh I know we are all supposed to embrace being single and all that shit and for those who genuinely feel like that, then fab. Some of us quite like dating and being in a relationship and not getting messes around, but knowing where we stand.

Regarding the communication - I have a male friend who I am in touch with every day. We email mostly, maybe the odd text, but due to his work, my work and general life shit, we don't see each other much. And yet we talk every day, sometimes chat sometimes in depth discussions.

Frankly, if a romantic partner can't at least do the same as this friend, then I don't want to know. There is nothing wrong with wanting to talk to someone every day. It's what we all take for granted in previous relationships when we lived with our partners/husbands. It's ok to need to be in contact with someone and guess what? It's actually ok to be needy. What is not ok is people who have no bloody idea preaching to others something that they wouldn't do themselves.

OP good luck.

Dumpedagainfml · 12/06/2022 16:13

thesurrealist · 12/06/2022 15:56

OLD is so shit. I've been there and had similar experiences. I find that the people who say you're needy and pathetic for wanting to knkw where you stand tend to be ones who have been lucky enough, so far, to not need to use OLD as they've probably been in their relationships for years.
When you're in that situation it is just one crushing experience after another.
Oh I know we are all supposed to embrace being single and all that shit and for those who genuinely feel like that, then fab. Some of us quite like dating and being in a relationship and not getting messes around, but knowing where we stand.

Regarding the communication - I have a male friend who I am in touch with every day. We email mostly, maybe the odd text, but due to his work, my work and general life shit, we don't see each other much. And yet we talk every day, sometimes chat sometimes in depth discussions.

Frankly, if a romantic partner can't at least do the same as this friend, then I don't want to know. There is nothing wrong with wanting to talk to someone every day. It's what we all take for granted in previous relationships when we lived with our partners/husbands. It's ok to need to be in contact with someone and guess what? It's actually ok to be needy. What is not ok is people who have no bloody idea preaching to others something that they wouldn't do themselves.

OP good luck.

Thanks for such a supportive message

OP posts:
screwcovid · 12/06/2022 16:17

Frazzledmummy123 · 11/06/2022 17:27

I hate the not knowing. Like yourself I'd rather they said something instead of ghosting if they don't want to take it any further. As others have said, even if he gets in touch now (without a good reason for the delay), ask yourself if you can be bothered with such tardy communication all the time. I wouldn't be happy with no communication for 2 days and a read and unanswered message for hours.

I agree I can't stand ghosting so immature

WorkHardPlayHard1 · 12/06/2022 16:25

sleepymum50 · 11/06/2022 16:50

I’m done with men, and I have never done OLD, but have read many posts about this world of pain and mens failures regarding decency.

From my perspective, it’s strikes me the best way to get over this ‘ghosting’ would be to have a little fun. I’d be inclined to send him either some rambling text (which was obviously ‘meant’ for someone else). Perhaps thank them for that fabulous night at madly expensive hotel or Twitter on about a surprise inheritance. I know, I’m sad.

i know it’s a waste of time, and it’s better taking the moral high ground, but ……

Ha ha ha yes that is a brilliant idea! 💡🤔🙌😜😂👏👏x

Graphista · 12/06/2022 17:50

So he texted me back last night at seven because he had been working??

stick or twist??

Nah throw him in the sea! Too little too late - I suspect what's happened is he thought he had someone else on the hook, that hasn't panned out and he thinks you're securely on the back burner

I'm single long term, but when in relationships wasn't fussed about daily communication I date on occasion inc old as and when I choose but I treat it as a casual thing and don't take huge offence or get stressed when there's no response - not answering is an active choice.

Yea I think it lacks class/manners but if that's what they're like then bullet dodged yea?

That's what dating is and always has been for. To see if there's interest, a connection there: if there isn't that's not necessarily anyones fault just no match and you move on.

I think the advice to not focus on one person is good, I think you may also need to work on your self esteem op as nobody's behaviour should make you feel so insecure.

I'm at a place where I prefer being single I like my own space and schedule etc but it's nice on occasion to go out to dinner or for a drink and maybe have some sex but I am clear about my interests and expectations, I watch my personal and sexual safety and therefore interact with people the way that suits me.

Maybe you need to consider what you're looking for, what your preferences are and if OLD is your profile and the way you present yourself and the way you interact with potential dates aligned with that?

Also are you assessing the profiles and presentations of those you're connecting with correctly?

There are certain phrases, words and general ways of presenting themselves which indicate whether someone is wanting something casual, or something more serious and I don't just mean what they overtly admit to but also more subtle cues. There are numerous old threads on here can be very educational on such matters - and there are other forums too inc on the old sites themselves (which can be a handy way to find and get genuine insight into what they're looking for) - more than once I've come across someone I was chatting with and thought they were ok only to see on forum posts them bitching about women about their lack of success - basically the mask slipping! Which provides 2 pieces of info -

1 they're a sexist entitled dick!
2 they're not too bright with it!

And don't get too invested that way heartbreak lies. Don't give too much of yourself away until the relationship is established keep it light and fun.

Inthesameboatatmo · 12/06/2022 18:12

I fuckin hate when they do this. I've had it done to me so much I call them out on it. I don't hold back either I literally serve them their arse on plate. I've had enough of being slow faded used for sex and ghosted I'm taking a break from dating full stop. I'm very jaded now .

Dumpedagainfml · 12/06/2022 18:21

Inthesameboatatmo · 12/06/2022 18:12

I fuckin hate when they do this. I've had it done to me so much I call them out on it. I don't hold back either I literally serve them their arse on plate. I've had enough of being slow faded used for sex and ghosted I'm taking a break from dating full stop. I'm very jaded now .

I know I get myself in two minds - I think once youve had your time wasted etc by these guys you know the pattern and it just infuriates you. Issue with this one is that we have about six friends in common 😂😂😂 so I have to hold back

anyway hes made it clear I am option not priority bye felipee

OP posts:
Dumpedagainfml · 12/06/2022 18:22

Inthesameboatatmo · 12/06/2022 18:12

I fuckin hate when they do this. I've had it done to me so much I call them out on it. I don't hold back either I literally serve them their arse on plate. I've had enough of being slow faded used for sex and ghosted I'm taking a break from dating full stop. I'm very jaded now .

What do you say to them out of interest??

OP posts:
Inthesameboatatmo · 12/06/2022 19:09

I just tell them that they've obviously lost interest/got the sex they want and are too much of a coward to say it. And that I won't be their option ever and they are not to come crawling back because they are desperate for some attention because I'm not interested . Along those lines op.

FinallyHere · 12/06/2022 20:19

Would any of yous message him again calling him out??

Nope.

All that does is to let him know that you are giving him attention while he can take or leave you. As a PP pointed out, he has you on the back burner. He may come round to you again but he isn't going to make any effort.

Hold out for someone who is clear that he is interested in you. If you are not sure, you can be sure he isn't.

All the best.

RewildingAmbridge · 12/06/2022 20:29

I don't think I'd mind if someone didn't text me back for a few days, I'm terrible for reading a message meaning to reply, getting distracted and then it just slips my mind. I used to work away a lot and DH and I didn't message every day. However you are someone who does want regular communication like that, so he doesn't seem like the right person for you.

Dumpedagainfml · 12/06/2022 20:50

RewildingAmbridge · 12/06/2022 20:29

I don't think I'd mind if someone didn't text me back for a few days, I'm terrible for reading a message meaning to reply, getting distracted and then it just slips my mind. I used to work away a lot and DH and I didn't message every day. However you are someone who does want regular communication like that, so he doesn't seem like the right person for you.

do you know I have thought about this - I do not actually need or require regular messaging at all. Its not about that. If I am secure that someone likes me and is keen to get to know me - no problem whatsoever. It is just that this is usually the way guys act to signal no interest - so thats why it evokes a response.

OP posts:
Dumpedagainfml · 12/06/2022 21:06

Inthesameboatatmo · 12/06/2022 19:09

I just tell them that they've obviously lost interest/got the sex they want and are too much of a coward to say it. And that I won't be their option ever and they are not to come crawling back because they are desperate for some attention because I'm not interested . Along those lines op.

Good for you
i think more of us have to say something along these lines - fair enough you loose interest but its best just to be honest etc

OP posts:
TheOGCCL · 12/06/2022 21:22

OLD seems to mean you can behave with no manners whatsoever, such a strange phenomenon. I think it’s because there’s this idea of endless options so no need to tread carefully with anyone’s heart. Mostly these men won’t care about being sent a ‘grow up’ message, the odd one I guess it might make a slight impact with.

What is most frustrating is the time we spend, particularly emotionally, on these people. When it’s right, it’s right and until then throw them back in at the first sign of bullsh*t. What I always think is how hard it is to maintain a long term relationship over years and years. If someone can’t even manage a week it’s just never going to work is it.

Suddenlypoor · 12/06/2022 21:42

@Dumpedagainfml
what is his job? If he has a seriously busy job, maybe that’s why he doesn’t text so often??
my partner runs a removal business and hardly ever text back when we first dated because he was just so busy!
could be as innocent as that?

mmmmmmghturep · 12/06/2022 22:24

OLD wouldnt suit me at all. I like manners and courtesy

Itloggedmeoutagain · 13/06/2022 07:30

mmmmmmghturep · 12/06/2022 22:24

OLD wouldnt suit me at all. I like manners and courtesy

If someone has no manners then they have no manners regardless of how they date.
I met my husband online. He's very well mannered

SleeplessInEngland · 13/06/2022 07:36

Don’t call him out, you say you have friends in common and it’ll just make you look desperate and high maintenance. Assume it’s over, don’t communicate again and mode on. At best he might eventually reply asking to meet up and you’ll be the one who gets to say you’re just not feeling it.

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