Was I too harsh on teen daughter?

[MumofTeen22]

NC for this.

Backstory: teen DD (15) - a few months off turning 16 - is really, really lazy. I have to beg and bribe and nag to get her to help with the smallest of tasks at home. It's draining. All she wants to do it be out with her mates and asks for cash and lifts everywhere etc.

This whole week I've been off work sick with an awful tummy bug / virus. It's absolutely wiped me and youngest DC out (toddler who I am home looking after whilst trying to keep on top of household tasks etc). DH has been working long hours all week. I've had to hold onto kitchen counters at points to steady myself and try not to pass out whilst trying to get jobs done and look after my youngest, I've felt so ill with this bug. But I've had no choice but to keep going.

Teen DD has not offered much by the way of help despite seeing how unwell me and her younger sibling are. At a couple of points I begged her to help as I was really struggling and she did so, but very reluctantly.

Yesterday she announced "I'm out with my mates tomorrow, I'll get the bus to meet them" (bus to the nearest major city from where we live). I said that was fine so long as she didn't rely on lifts from me as I'm not well enough. She said nothing about Sunday and to be honest I was distracted with bathing the youngest so didn't ask what her plans were on Sunday.

So she went off out this morning before youngest DC and I got up. DH at work doing overtime as we need to money. So as per usual I'm just getting on with it all - housework and looking after youngest etc. But still struggling as not feeling great.

Teen messages me about holiday clothes purchases so I reply. I then say "by the way please don't make any plans for tomorrow as I'm going to need your help at home, I'm really behind with the housework this week as I've been ill and DH working again". She texts back: "I've got plans tomorrow with my boyfriend, it's been arranged for ages". I replied: "well you're not going, I need your help".

She then called me saying how it wasn't fair, this has been planned for ages etc. i just snapped at this point - probably a combination of feeling so rough and her selfish lazy attitude all the time. I would never have agreed to todays outing if I'd known she had plans Sunday - I'd have made it clear she needed to be around on at least one of the days to help out.

I said to her "Listen to me - you either get yourself home before 5pm today (this was at 2.50pm) and pull your weight and do some jobs, or you can forget about going out tomorrow and help me then instead. You've got just over 2 hours to get here. Your choice. But don't think I'm going to change my mind - one minute past 5 and you're not going. I'm serious."

Then i hung up.

By the way 2 hours is plenty of time on public transport to get home if she had started to make her way home straight away or within the next 10 mins.

So AIBU to have given her this ultimatum of making a choice: she either loses her day out tomorrow and helps out at home, or gets herself home at a reasonable time today and helps out, and keeps her outing tomorrow?

She's since messaged to say she's on route and it will be "just past 5" when she's home, followed by a "sorry".

Was I harsh??

Apparently he gets off scot free when it comes to housework so why should parenting be any different?

Why are you the default housekeeper/cleaning lady and why is DD then the default cleaner when you're "off sick"? Think about what message this is sending your kids.

I'm shocked by the number of posters who think you were being harsh!
I think YANBU and you seem to have got your message through, well done.

£50 is a lot of money to give her for doing nothing. When you are recovered, have a conversation with her about going forward and that as she is now getting older and more responsible (appreciated her help stepping up etc), For info my 15 year old gets £5 a week by putting the washing up away, She more or less forgets all the time so I half the time don't give her anything! But she will do it if reminded.

Yabu. If you are that unwell your DH should take a day off and help you.

You seem very aggressive and angry OP.

YANBU to expect some help from your DD. YABVU to expect to snap your fingers and get her to change her plans.

You are apparently the resident parent and yet you blame your XH for not instilling the right attitudes in your DD.

You are actually telling people to “get off your thread”! It doesn’t work like that.

i agree with PP that you would do well to read “How to talk so kids will listen”.

YABU. It isn't your dd's responsibility to pick up the slack for her df or her issue that you have a young dc to care for.

Doing set chores is obviously reasonable, but it sounds like you are cross she hasn't stepped into the role of "deputy mum" because you are sick. Don't parentify your child.

I don't think you were being harsh but probably a bit of a shock to her system if she isn't used to being asked to help out. The fact that she texted sorry speaks volumes so she knows she should help out. You have to stick to your guns now either way otherwise she'll continue this way. You're doing her a favour in the long run.

I don't think you were harsh OP, but I agree with the earlier poster about consistency, and also the poster who said if she is old enough to have a BF, she is old enough to undertake daily and weekly chores as part and parcel of being a family member.

However that is a talk for another day when you are feeling much brighter. :)

Yes I do think you were being extremely unreasonable. The fact you texted her whilst she was out already was very unfair! Especially on the weekend. If you'd asked her to help out in the week and say if this isn't done then you're not going out at the weekend.. that would have been more fair! I would be fuming if my partner texted me whilst I was out telling me to come home and clean up cause he's ill 🤣 another thing that struck me from the many of posts was when you said "A child?? A child who has a boyfriend and probably having sex but too young to help out at home. Oh Please 🙄" I feel that's really disrespectful to your daughter and everything I wish to not be as a parent. Pls be kinder to your daughter and maybe she will start to respect you more. Constantly giving her the hand outs car lifts all these years and shocked when you figure out that's what she now expects and call her lazy for it .... what do you expect?????

Can't believe some of the replies you're getting OP.

Ywbu to do that every week but yanbu at all here as it's clearly a very tough week for you, your dd needs to learn how to pitch in when needed and offer to help the person who does the most for her (mum). If she texted sorry, you're obviously raising her the right way. If you said thanks I appreciate it dd, then it's all good. Hope you feel better soon.

I think there's a back story here I don't believe it's just a case of your DD being lazy.

How long have you been with your DH? For yo to write "she's not even his child".

You know nobody dies if the bathrooms aren't cleaned and the floors go without a hoover?

Just don't do it until you feel better instead of getting in such a stress.

I don’t think the Op has been harsh at all. Maybe some of this ‘harshness’ is long overdue. She sounds a wee madam.

@MumofTeen22 wasn't harsh in general context, asking someone to help with some housework shouldn’t cause so much drama

However

sounds like her DD has got very little to no responsibilities on her daily basis, as far as housework concerned. Not much is expected of her, so to go from zero to “cancel your plans please and help me with a backlog of housework” is IMO a recipe for disaster.

Unless you bring your kids certain way and involve them in helping you on a regular basis, expecting a teenager to dump their friends/boyfriend/other “very important plans” a teenager can have to help you with something so meaningless in their mind, it’s just not going to work.

Their brain and empathy is not quite developed yet, at that age you tend to be self absorbed to the max, you really could care less about your parent’s adult problems, such as laundry that needs doing.

Im nearly 30 now, responsible adult and wife, I like my house to be in order, but trust me when I tell you that 15 years ago I didn’t know how the washing machine works. Only thing I’d do is MAYBE hoover up once a week and SPORADICALLY wash some dishes, if there was no clean dishes left 😂

There’s hope for your daughter to turn out ok, it’s just she’ll have to learn the hard way.

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable. I think now would be a good time to implement weekly chores though if she wants money and/or lifts from you. I do think your DH could do more, regardless of his working hours.

No not harsh. At 15 sometimes you have to help out. I know at that age my parents made me and my brother stay in on a weekend occasionally to help do DIY and they did not have to write into a forum because they felt so guilty. Their reasoning was that we lived lovely, privileged lives and sometimes needed to help out.

Don’t be too hard on yourself OP. When the dust has settled sit down with your DD and explain why you were at the end of your tether and why you reacted the way you did.
explain clearly what expectations there will be for the household going forward and that as much as you love to spoil her (holiday clothes, flights abroad etc) she’s old enough to now contribute to family life.

She is old enough to understand why you lost your rag, so apologise to her but explain very clearly that she has things that she has to do to help out in her home. Adults also lose their cool, it happens, apologise and move on. It’s a good life lesson in her seeing you be humble and able to talk things through with her.

Make a list of the things you ALL do in the household. Let her see how you and your DH contribute and how you support the family unit. Then ask her what she thinks is fair in what she can do. Draw up a list together of her new chores and then hold her to it.

Take it day by day! And have another glass of wine!

Reading some of the replies on here you can see why we have a generation of entitled teenagers who think life owes them a favour and do not cope with any problems that come their way. The way some parents on here have replied you can I,amine they don't even ask their own teens to flush the loo after them - because it's not fun.

And I can assure you it isn't the OP who has a parenting issue.

I work with teens. Most of the ones who struggle with their MN in teen years are those with no boundaries or expectations and who haven't developed resilience.
They get to secondary school and suddenly they are expected to take some responsibility for themselves and no one will excuse them because they are tired or they were busy or they just didn't think they had to and yes - they are expected to adhere to the same rules as everyone else because - you know - they aren't special.

another thing that struck me from the many of posts was when you said "A child?? A child who has a boyfriend and probably having sex but too young to help out at home. Oh Please 🙄" I feel that's really disrespectful to your daughter

Except jt wasn't ME who said this. Read the thread properly @lollyx96 before you accuse me of being disrespectful to my daughter

You are actually telling people to “get off your thread”! It doesn’t work like that.

Person. Singular. Who was disgusting towards me and extremely personal.

The fact you texted her whilst she was out already was very unfair! Especially on the weekend.

Ok.

Next time she texts on a weekend when she's out shopping with mates to say "I'm going to try holiday clothes on in Primark for holiday and send you pics, will you let me know what you think?" I'll just ignore it, then! Ok. Thanks for the parenting tip, @lollyx96

Because that's what happened, and I replied accordingly, and then also asked her to please not make plans for tomorrow as I'll need some help at home.

Please do tell me @lollyx96 - do you have a teen? You seem very opinionated about when it is permissible for me to reply to a text from my teenage daughter asking my opinion on her outfit choices.

Yes I'm aware, thank you for clarifying that.

It's not the point, though, so it's irrelevant.

@MumofTeen22 of course I didn't mean don't reply to her text messages that's just bizarre that you would even think that. I am referring to your text asking her to not make plans for the following day so she can stay in clean the house. More notice like I said in the week would've been more than reasonable. You obviously are doubting yourself hence the post so I don't even know why you're getting your back up. & I apologise for misreading the other post.

@lollyx96

It's not bizarre at all when you word things as you have. You said "The fact you texted her whilst she was out already was very unfair! Especially on the weekend." If you meant specifically the fact I mentioned housework as opposed to just texting her "on a weekend when she's out", then say that. Be clearer.

I have in fact already addressed the point about giving her more notice and explained why that didn't happen, so that info is also there for you to read should you wish.

I was doubting myself originally when I posted yes. I've since had a mixture of responses, some which say I was and others saying not, and some in between. My view is now somewhere in between, thanks to the more helpful posters who have contributed.

Why am I "getting my back up" with you in particular? Well, Your post is completely unhelpful because it contains inaccurate information which clearly means you didn't read the OP or my posts, you are comparing it to an adult giving another adult for whom they have no parental responsibility an instruction - it's not the same and indicates you don't understand parenting teens, and generally imo its clearly shitty in the way it's typed with laughing emojis and "what do you expect ??????" at the end.

Again, thanks to all the helpful posters who have actually read the thread and are able to understand the challenges of parenting! Much appreciated.

But why though? @lollyx96? sometimes inconvenient things happen. And if we’re being fair - don’t think OP’s daughter have any more notice than her mum gave her, did she? Isn’t it part and parcel of growing up to learn that you can’t always please yourself, and sometimes to be part of a family you might have to change your plans?

At her age I would definitely have been livid and would have very grudgingly done the jobs I was asked to do. But I might have also bargained with my mum - if I’ve done XYZ by 12 can I still go? This is how we learn compromise.

(I’m assuming here that stepdad also is helping out and daughter isn’t feeling hard done by because he gets to sit round doing nothing)